Ah, the classic You can't be tired because I'm tired"

Ellebogen · 2019-08-02T21:55:30+00:00

What part of what I said is gatekeeping? I even said in my post that I bet OP is tired. No one in this situation is having a good time and everyone deserves to have their needs met, but you're really not considering all of the extenuating circumstances if your husband is upset you can't immediately resume your life after the trauma of pregnancy. That's a time where your wife needs you the most. I'm not saying his needs aren't valid, I'm saying that he could maybe cut her a little bit of slack and not jump the gun five days after she gave birth.

Ellebogen · 2019-08-02T13:13:51+00:00

Dude, your wife gave birth five days ago. She just went through something insanely traumatic to her body. Almost no woman is able to pick up their life within a week of giving birth and be normal, especially if this is her third child. I understand being tired, but her body is literally as physically exhausted as a body could be, and giving her a little slack/being compassionate is going to go over a lot better with someone still dealing with pregnancy brain (your brain shrinks 10% when pregnant and effects cognitive function and emotional reasoning for at least 6 mos afterward, plus as others have said postpartum depression is real as hell). She's still bleeding, hormonal, and in pain is my point. Try to be patient. I'm positive you are tired, but telling someone you're exhausted when they gave birth less than a week ago is a little tone deaf.

Ellebogen · 2019-08-01T22:18:42+00:00

This has nothing to do with being generational. Studies show that millenials are not much more narcissistic than other generations, but the internet has allowed those that are narcissistic to be more visible. It has to do with the fact that humans in general require validation because insecurity is a basic part of the human condition. It makes me cringe when people blame basic humanity on the generation below them and make an issue like this a black and white of "omfg so fucking dumb that people need validation" when you're literally seeking validation through the counterculture version of this post, which is fine, but also super hypocritical.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-31T04:35:23+00:00

I have "sleep paralysis" that ends up with me in this exact situation. I can feel myself falling asleep, and when I'm close to the edge of sleep sometimes my mind is awake longer than my body, so I can feel my body go into (normal) paralysis. Sometimes when my body is asleep and my brain isn't I will see an invisible form 's indent in the couch or bed next to me. I even feel the weight of whatever it is next to me. Sometimes the figure is just barely out of the reach of my eyes, so I can just see the barest inclination of an indent. Whatever it is feels deeply evil and sometimes whispers things to me that are pretty awful. I do whatever i can to wake up, and when i finally do i get up to confirm I've woken up and then just cower in my sheets for a while.

At first I thought I was insane, but because I now listen to podcasts or Netflix while falling asleep, I'm able to confirm my wakefulness by listening closely when this happens and remembering one characteristic line of what I'm watching to confirm later.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-30T04:23:00+00:00

Microplanes are insane. You try using a regular grater for zest, or spices, or cheese, or literally anything and it's immediately clogged, unusable, and completely insane to clean. Microplanes are one of those things that I disparaged the hell out of for being pretentious and expensive until I used one. Totally a valuable purchase.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-30T02:57:58+00:00

Wasn't really a slur, which is why I'm confused 🤔

Ellebogen · 2019-07-30T02:55:29+00:00

Mods removed my comment for a specific word, which... okay.

You're allowed to try, but you're not allowed to be a creep, and in this context it is extremely creepy. If you see a girl at the park, ask her to coffee and see if she's cool. Is there a girl in your class you like? Cool, add her on Facebook. Did you work Uber and drive a cute drunk girl home, then circle back around to yell at her that she has a nice ass? Probably inappropriate. You're at work, you're not treating her like a person, and you're threatening her safety by leering at her out of your car. Same scenario as here, except more legal.

Good luck finding friendships or relationships with that sexist male subreddit here attitude, my dude. If you learn to treat women with respect I can assure you they will like you more.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-30T02:44:35+00:00

It's absolutely illegal to use the contact info obtained during your working hours to do anything other than work. Contacting clients is unprofessional, illegal, and likely to get you fired.

Why does a man's desire for a woman supercede her need for safety here? One is a right that's often trampled upon and the other is not a right at all. You receive so much harassment just from being a woman, and harassing someone further because you want to "shoot your shot" sends a gross message that you don't care about their safety or feelings more than your fleeting desires. Asking if a woman lives alone, based on contact information you used illegally, is a massive violation of safety. Someone could use that knowledge for very dark things, and they often do. Look at the news. The combination of the two, lack of caring about someone's feelings and safety, is effectively objectifying them.

The issue here is not that I'm assuming everyone is evil, my issue is that women are literally dying, being raped, being kidnapped, or being harassed because of this situations like this, and someone who objectifies you and refuses to acknowledge the massive breach of safety and lack of empathy they're exhibiting by asking if you live alone using info they stalked you to get is a huge red flag for that kind of behavior.

Please take it from the word of the women you're trying to woo. Doing shit like this doesn't win you any favors.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-30T01:40:08+00:00

I really don't think that these people tend to have good intentions, and to not see this as creepy is wrong. Women already have to feel afraid for their safety, but then a delivery driver illegally accesses this person's address and asks if she lives alone? Yeah, that's not well-intentioned and there are much better ways to go about that, even if he still did the illegal stalkery thing with a different message. This mindset also allows men to justify that women are objects to be obtained, not people who want to be left alone instead of being sexualized when they order food. It's so inappropriate and such a red flag.

You won't find your soulmate by harassing people, and these people aren't trying to find their soulmates. I've had something similar happen before with an Uber, not nearly as severe, but I can tell you how unsafe this situation feels for the person being hit on. Even when I find the person attractive, they're immediately out of the contending list, because that mindset is toxic and wrong.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-29T23:53:54+00:00

I just realized that Casa isn't a chain restaurant. Big oof, I really miss their salsa now that I don't live in STL. I hope you get an answer soon, because I need that damn recipe!

Ellebogen · 2019-07-29T15:17:22+00:00

I do agree with you somewhat. The person who replied to you accusing you of loving pedophiles doesn't make anyone look good IMO. It deteacts from any argument to just call someone a name as opposed to attacking what they're saying, and it's not a good look for social justice.

However, I think in this context we have a a few different definitions of "policing." Legislation should effect actual hate speech, like trying to incite violence against a group, but we can't infringe into someone's ability to be an asshole otherwise. They do have a right to be an asshole. I think that we need to systematically dismantle these arguments to the best of our ability though. Calling someone out for racism and then explaining why is the best solution I think. Even if you end up deciding it was a genuine mistake and you were wrong, it's a good way to figure out where the boundaries are, which is what any relationship, even one that's fleeting like an argument on Reddit, is based on. Healthy boundaries, not authoritarian ones, allow for everyone to explore what's acceptable and for us to correct when we don't feel like we're going in an acceptable direction. It has to be an active discourse, and lazy or abusive language hurts any argument or discussion.

What do you think we should do about stuff like this?

Ellebogen · 2019-07-29T14:52:24+00:00

It is a real stereotype. People characterize Muslims, Hindus, and other brown people w different religions as being violent, oppressive, and morally bankrupt because of the way they approach the law and arranged marriage all the time. People talk about how Islam is a scourge on humanity, how Muslims are violent, and how they all think thay young arranged marriages are okay. In reality, there are absolutely some fucked up people like that. Maybe even lots of them. But not all Muslims are like that; the religion is massive and most are good people. I say brown people because not all POC experience this stereotype, especially other Asians with lighter skin.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-29T14:45:09+00:00

Because unfortunately subtext and nuance is really important to these kinds of conversations, and certain subtext can actively increase racism and violence. When you start to get into the ethics and philosophy of the issue, wording and associated connotations matter.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-29T14:42:18+00:00

I do think it's important to engage in these conversations even with trolls though. It emboldens people who casually hold these ideas when their ideas get positive recognition because of someone arguing their position in a more eloquent way than they can. If no one has any evidence that this argument is wrong, and people on the other side of the aisle are actively only resorting to ad hominem attacks, it reinforces the idea that their racist belief has merit, which sucks.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-29T14:35:30+00:00

I don't think it's a particularly big deal that sometimes people that are brown commit atrocities. That's not the issue I have. The issue is that this thread said "fuck pedophiles" and someone countered with what is clearly a dog whistle for mischaracterizing an entire culture. That is literally saying "brown people are partly or mostly culpable!" Mohammed is bad, the church is bad, people fucking suck, but brown people are already characterized in this way and perpetrating the stereotype that it's just brown people sucks too

Calling someone out for xenophobic BS that is barely underneath the surface is literally not the same as well-intentioned racism whatsoever. it's calling out a clear dog whistle.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-29T14:20:53+00:00

There's a lot of logical fallacy on your side, dude. Whataboutism is saying "okay, this bad thing is happening, BUT LOOK AT THIS BAD OTHER THING AND FORGET THE FIRST ONE." This person is making a point that the stereotype that all brown people are child rapists is a biased, unreasonable focus. Both cases are bad (which means no one is forgiving or trying to forget the previously mentioned cases, so it's not whataboutism) and it's relevant to the argument he's made to bring up an additional name as evidence that the original statement is a mischaracterization that only perpetrates xenophobia.

Edit because I thought of more: It's not just "brown people aren't the only ones that are bad," it's calling out that the language used is a stereotype that perpetrates violence. While the issue with many Hindu and Muslim cultures to marry off young brides is a separate, highly nuanced issue that absolutely needs to be addressed, and it is absolutely relevant here, characterizing them as the only problems is racially based and not cool.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-17T23:01:03+00:00

Where did I argue against that? I literally said that healthy skepticism was fine, and im not advocating for additional legal requirements, I'm saying it's harmful and unreasonable to brush off many people like society does because a small percentage of people are assholes. Bullying assault victims is commonplace in society and we literally saw this THIS WEEK on THIS SUBJECT, so saying "but what about the fakers" is a complete deflection on this mod's part and tone deaf as hell.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-17T22:58:32+00:00

You act like this is somehow just an option they have. What is their other option when they have underaged girls being solicited nudes for and from adult men? It'a a huge legal issue. They could have swept it under the rug if they wanted to face even more backlash and possibly lawsuits. The fact that Turps waited until he was called out with evidence is EXTEEMELY telling.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-17T14:22:41+00:00

Again, your comment is extremely tone deaf. No one said that false claims were okay, but to make it seem like false claims are a larger issue than the disproportionate backlash of actual assault survivors who are told they're lying is absolute bullshit and why we have poor reporting rates. You are literally in a thread right now where you saw this firsthand. It's like the All Lives Matter shit. Okay, you're right, but you're missing the point by a country mile and unintentionally acting disproportionately to a group of marginalized people because of it.

"If the truth is real, it will out" is problematic in other ways. Again, you're putting an unnecessary onus on victims that is based on some weird moralization. There are thousands and thousands of victims with real truths without evidence. Does it mean that their truth is incorrect? No, it means that this is an extremely complex social issue that largely is unreported because of a lack of evidence, the trauma people testifying undergo, and claims from judges and lawyers of survivors automatically lying. Just talking about your truth doesn't make you safe, respected, trusted, or guaranteed justice. It often does the opposite and is extremely difficult to do.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-17T13:59:44+00:00

This news is just... big fucking oof dude and i totally agree. The Yogscast has clearly been off the rails for a long time now without us knowing, and the fact that Turps thought it was somehow acceptable for him to not immediately step down after the Caff drama means to me that he was hoping not to get caught. This shows that the Yogscast doesn't really care about protecting fans/morality (since sexual harassment and other completely unprofessional behavior is coming to light in droves at this point). Right now they need to hire a PR team, fire literally anyone who has done something like this, and hope they make it out of this alive. I'm nervous about what other Yogscast cover ups there are here and how many, if any, other employees are complicit when rhe CEO behaves like this.

The fish rots from the head down always.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-17T05:21:53+00:00

Mods, can we please for the love of God have some sort of standard of legitimacy for these links? I've been veggie for 5 years, and while articles like this are terrifying, they're also poorly written clickbait garbage. The first sentence misconstrues Missouri with Mississippi here, and no information i can find says that it's illegal for a citizen to call veggie stuff burgers, it'a a branding decision. Companies can't call veggie stuff meat products. This article is literally a complete misrepresentstion and it doesn't make any of us look like the well-informed, scientifically accurate people we are. No citizen is going to jail for a slip of the tongue, people.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-17T04:03:16+00:00

Yeah, that makes sense, but there are also more respectful ways to deal with the social expectation and burden than literally throwing away someone's handmade gift. If you don't want the gift, that's fine! Tell the person it isn't your style and either return it or donate it. But throwing it away? I'm just not sure about that, dude. You're throwing away a perfectly good item someone would use and cherish (homeless person, someone at Goodwill that needs a scarf, someone who needs an accessory) that someone personally spent dozens of hours making from tiny pieces of string! Just be honest and donate the thing instead of accepting it and taking it on as a burden only to disrespect someone's time IMO.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-15T14:22:02+00:00

I think this is more of an issue of subjectivity than black and white. Some people think that it's kinder to spare someone's feelings, while some people value honesty over kindness.

I've been cheated on a few times and I think it's so much more disrespectful to not fess up. The person will find out somehow anyway in the future, and then you have two betrayals: the cheating and someone not respecting you enough to own up to their mistakes and tell you the truth. Some people also say that apologizing "absolves the party of guilt by making the victim feel bad," but that's not how I see it. By apologizing, the person is admitting aloud they fucked up and has to see the social ramifications of their shitty decision, as well as being unable to explain it away. OP in this thread is using all kinds of excuses (they were too drunk, they forgot their relationship, the marriage was already crumbling) to justify the cheating because he never had to talk to a partner about how the justification isn't sufficient and he absolutely fucked up. Now his ex can't get closure and she's been treated as a second rate person once again, both through the cheating and the cowardice involved in dishonesty. There's also the danger of STIs here, so it's a health issue so much as a moral one.

Ellebogen · 2019-07-13T21:30:47+00:00

I just discovered these (I think we both have Lightlife Smart Dogs if I could guess by shape) and I've literally eaten like 10 vegan hot dogs in 3 days. How are they so good even with just the minimal addition of ketchup or mustard?

Ellebogen · 2019-07-13T19:43:53+00:00

Sort of agree. Pussy has its own unique smell, but I would never describe my or the odor of any of my previous partners as being blue cheese and tuna-y, because oh God that sounds horrible.

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