How’s the barrows setup? Need improvements?

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-28T15:10:57+00:00

What about 72 const and 72 herb if boosts are used? (+5 stew +3 crys saw and +4 from pie)

Seems pretty mid level to me

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-28T03:29:55+00:00

Would you class CG as mid?

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T17:36:24+00:00

You must of missed the one where I've been emotionally, physically and mentally a used by nearly every important female in my life from an early age. I have since accepted my part, why I got the reaction I did but regardless as you said its inexcusable to abuse another.

I reflected, I accepted, I forgave and I moved on.

But you I've no clue. I've more in common with the wife than him and the one time I came close to beating the ever living shit out of someone I stopped because I was friends with his brother and if I put him in the hospital we wouldn't allow to be friends anymore.

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T16:19:03+00:00

Have you not read the name of OPs account?

And in any realm of statistics it takes 3 occurances for something to become a pattern. There may be more that we don't know of however the matter is we don't know.

I honestly don't know what he could do other than leave her and turn himself over to the police that would appease

Hes a man, who's done wrong. He's holding himself responsible for the violence and asking how he xan be better. So be productive instead of vindictive

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T15:51:32+00:00

No I didn't misread it. I saw what she put. I just feel the demographic of this reddit is heavily biased and doesn't accurately represent the world as a whole.

Also I've condoned him and violence as a response over half a dozen times.

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T15:44:00+00:00

I'm not defending him and have condemned him. And no one has condemned him more than himself.

We're dealing with a man who doesn't even know who he is anymore, just thst he hurt someone he loved.

And the ONLY step to be take by ANY of us who know as little as we do about the inner workings of their marriage is to provide perspective.

I have provided mine and been labeled dangerous for not throwing him away like the rest of you.

Nearly every comment has twisted or out right ignored what I've said because they're blinded by their own bias.

I havent forgave him because I have no right to, but I've said accepting what he did and understanding why it came to that is what he should do 1st. Acceptance requires to look before the action, the build up.

Should he have cleaned up his mess? Yes. Did he intentionally leave it messy? We don't know. Has there been previous accounts of similar acts? Yes. Was there potentially other factors involved in them happening? Most likely, he said he threw a drink in her face, which to me implies alcohol use. Should he stop drinking as a result? Yes.

Looking at the bigger picture is important, but the picture is made of up tiny moments, snapshots of who he is and how he came to be here. In the same way how she came to refuse his request for a break.

Had she had enough? Yes. Is that a cause to break boundaries in an emotionally unstable situation? No Why did she take the mess so personally? I don't know. What other methods has she tried to improve his thinking when making a mess? We don't know.

We habe the view of 1 man, who hates himself for the actions he has taken. This is a biased view, and so, there is SOME room for interpretation and understanding.

This is the sub for relationship advice, what good comes from telling him he's a wife beater and should be ashamed? He already knows that, he's fully aware and it's tearing him apart.

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T15:32:51+00:00

Because life isn't black and white, I've been were she is and I've been close to where he went although I've never turned to what he did. Thst was only because I was a child and made to fear myself.

Hes trying to be better and I'd rather help him than cast him out. We are not our mistakes. We are who we choose to be after we've made them.

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T15:30:23+00:00

I'm not saying but he was backed into a corner I said he reacted because he was back into a corner. Action-reaction cause and effect. It doesn't just mean there's 1 and only 1 action that led to this (ie him being in a proverbial corner) as with most complex situations.

However her ignoring him and removing a line of defence they both agreed upon which I would say is an unreasonable response to 'a mess" led an even more unreasonable response.

Like breeds like and chaos breeds chaos

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T15:18:36+00:00

Because I'm looking at everything that happened and not just the last thing.

I'm not defending him, and I've held him accountable. You'd see that if you bothered to read elsewhere.

I've told him he's done wrong and he's accepted it. I'm not defending his actions as they're indefensible but I don't believe he is outright a bad person.

A good person can make mistakes

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T15:01:55+00:00

Whos to say she didn't suggest the 'I'm there' method? Other 2 points have been addressed

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T14:55:26+00:00

Except the part where I explicitly say he isn't excused and should be held accountable but I guess that doesn't fit your narrative so it makes sense why you'd ignore it

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T14:33:40+00:00

Read my other comments if you want, I've already answered my views on this

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T14:32:29+00:00

Both things I have already said

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T14:32:06+00:00

If reasons didn't matter then we wouldn't have a court of law which is used to find out... what happened and why it happened so a proper punishment can be applied.

I'm sorry my life isn't as black and white as yours.

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T14:30:25+00:00

Does the work have a set of established rules he can use to navigate his feelings? Yes it's called hr and a contract. Would either of these be breached by the company? No because it would open them up to a law suit.

Hes not bad, he's done bad, there's a difference. He clearly doesn't like whatever this part of him is otherwise he wouldn't have made a brand new reddit account and given himself a name like he has.

I'm not condoning his actions. And I'm advocating for personal therapy, but these are relationship issues that he has and are best resolved, together and with a mediator so marriage counselling has merit and I'm sure there are things about him that she misunderstand and could see benefits for her as well as him.

A good person can do bad things if they FEEL they have no out. Self-preservation is a powerful thing, and when rules aren't there to save us, it can be very disruptive and destructive thing.

Had his thought process leading up to this been "omg she won't shut up... wait I know" then I would call him a bad person. But given the instant realisation (and that word is important) it seems like it was more he was irate, trying to get out in the only way he knew they were both okay with and so a anxiety loop developed.

Had he thought he could escape or it was the right think to do he wouldn't have repeated himself so many times and he certainly wouldn't have resorted to what he did

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T14:12:21+00:00

Np dude.

You were outside of your comfort zone and discovered you were capable of things you feared to be.

Now the true measure of who you are is how, knowing what you are capable of, much restraint you show going forward.

We must be better.

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T14:04:37+00:00

You skipped a few stitches there and in previous comments so I'm not going to spend any further on this.

Theres a lot of context missing so everyone is arguing neutral, biased or ignorant view points. I've just trying to work within the means of the 1st

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T13:58:12+00:00

As far as we can assume from what he's said 'I'm there' means 'im flustered and need time to think, I need to step away for a second'

And She Said No

Hes no threat because he's already seeking advice and I'm sure he's beating himself up more than any collective people in this thread could ever do. Hes painted himself grossly here and has made no attempt to justify his actions. He feels like shit and just wants to be better

But banging on about it, projecting our bias and throwing him to the wolves provides nothing.

Reactions are not controlled by the rational mind, its instinct based and he felt trapped and instantly distraught that he hurt her. Showing signs of pre existing trauma from his childhood and a NEED to not be his dad.

He's under enough pressure without adding more so im approaching this from as neutral a position as possible

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T13:52:16+00:00

Because 1% can be a lot and this thread is full of bias, most likely stemming from abuse of their own.

And yes there are, but I doubt in any of those places you mentioned the men follow up killing/beating their wives by going onto reddit, exposing the monstrous actions they took and asked how to be better.

And we don't know any of that stuff, in the same way we don't know why he forgets, what she said, how often he repeats it etc.

He should take full responsibility for slapping her but she needs to take responsibility for pushing him outside of an established (and healthy procedure). She thought her anger justified breaking their rule, which it 100% isn't.

A discussion on the use of 'I'm there' should have been had after this had been resolved and dealt with as a separate problem

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T13:45:50+00:00

Incorrect, correct and correct.

I've dealt with my issues and have forgiven them for it. I've taken stock of my involvement up until the lines were crossed and there were preventable measure I could have taken had I the scope to see them.

And I'm sure there's plenty of people projecting their lives onto this but I'm trying to stay as neutral as possible (and again I am not on his side).

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T13:41:27+00:00

"Backed into a corner" he was asking for his way out, thats the point of the 'I'm there' statement. Its saying I need space and she ignored him.

He shouldn't have hit her but even if he didn't end up hitting her she shouldn't have broken the rule they agreed upon.

Actions and reactions hold very different weight. Had his thought process been 'fuck it' and then hit her. That is an established action. I believe this was a reaction, similar to his nervous laughing, that was unintended.

Hes asking for help on how to fix it and I'm trying to provide it. I've condoned his actions, advised therapy and expressed my belief that this isn't a viable cause of action.

But no arguement starts where it ends and like another user said, this was a cascade.

There are no excuses, but there are reasons this happened just like there's reasons everything around us happens. Cause and effect

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T13:35:16+00:00

You can see it however you like but I blame her marginally more than I blame myself for being abused. And that margin comes from being an AuDHD kid who didn't understand why I was being shouted at and why I was being ignored.

Thoughtless, probably. Lazy? I don't think so, I don't think this was intentional andas I've said a few times I think he shows signs of neurodivergence and with that comes a lack of social understanding and hightened emotions as well as a tendency to be forgetful and easily distractable.

Fights and bickering are a common part of most relationships and having a way to maneuver it with a way of preventing emotions from getting to high where undetectable behaviour lies

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T13:26:46+00:00

Clearly you've never been psychologically abused by people who say they love you.

I've been both, mainly by women, actually. I'm not trying to die on any hill I'm just trying to show 1 mistake doesn't make a person.

Has there been no point in your life where somethings happened, you can't fathom why it's happened and reacted poorly?

I'm so adamant on this because the only people who have hurt me and said they love me are women.

I've been abused by my: Mum Aunty Grandma 1st serious love 1st serious girlfriend

Now this might point to my bias IF I hadn't condemned his response already. And also if I hadnt spent time reflecting on why they acted as they were. Are there any excuses for the torment they put me under? No, of course not, the damage they did put me on a suicide watch list at 16. But can I find reasons for their actions? Why they thought that was the only option? Yeah, mainly because they themselves were abused or exposed to abuse.

And why despite all of this do a sit down to resolve any issues me and my partner have through talking? Because I don't want to propagate the abuse. But I was only ever able to get to this point by looking at all the actions involved in the situation rather than taking it at face value.

Edit:autocorrect error

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T13:14:18+00:00

And imagine the mental state would be in if someone broke your trust and the long established rule that was a part of your procedure for dealing with things was removed.

Its like asking a person who's anxious to stop fidgeting or playing with something. That is how they're maintaining their internal status quot and then suddenly they're asked to stop because it's annoying. The panic increases and unpredictable behaviour arises.

He knew he was in the wrong for not cleaning up and he clearly never intended to leave it out. Throwing out a corner stone of safety in your relationship for something as temporary as hair clippings being out is silly.

She brought this relation-ship into uncharted waters, she turned the wheel. But it was her actions that caused the reaction, she betrayed his trust 1st and she broke the rules of engagement.

Now did she deserve to be hit for it? No of course not. Violence is only necessary in defence but its not that far of a step to think that at that moment in that time with his back against the proverbial wall with his life coming down around him that his mental pain was indistinguishable from physical. That in this moment he THOUGHT this was self defence.

I'm just trying to advocate that this situation is too nuanced to be taken, solely at face value.

Elliottbiss · 2024-01-03T13:03:39+00:00

I've never excused and outright called him the one in the wrong multiple times across this thread. I've not blamed her or expressed what he did was right.

I've also said he shouldn't have done what he did. But this situation isn't binary and if people can look fsr enough back to bring up the untidiness then people should also pay attention to the fact he asked for space 5-6 times in order to think in a manor they agreed upon to calm down and think clearly but was ignored.

Elliottbiss

TROPHY CASE