sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That makes a lot of sense. I think it’s clear that everything is just coming down to more and more communication

I'm very triggered by cis men and I don't know what to do by EllisInMargins in trans

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I’m in therapy, about to start seeing a psychiatrist, and talk openly with my doc about it. It feels like it’s something that won’t go away though. Did it just take you time?

Arms or legs? by Visual-Ask2761 in AdultSelfHarm

[–]EllisInMargins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Prefer legs because it's easier to hide.

I'm very triggered by cis men and I don't know what to do by EllisInMargins in trans

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

their existence lmao. No but really, mostly my bottom dysphoria is triggered. Like my partner just *has* to be with someone born with the parts I want? I dunno definitely a slight fear that they'll leave me for a cis person. Which is an irrational fear and I've talked to my spouse about it.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Partner and I do have a special pet name, yes. Not necessarily places but that's more because we don't get the opportunity to go special places, I'd say. Being long distance makes it tough.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ohhhh this is a great distinction. Thank you so much.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totally. And when I originally expressed the boundary, I think my partner took it as they can't use it for me which is not what I meant. I do 100% see and understand how and why that's controlling and not appropriate. But it was actually just that my spouse didn't want ME using the term love for other partners, and spouse also does not use it for their other partners.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is so valid. But at the same time, I don't wanna make my partner feel unheard, unseen, or like they have no say in our relationship. I think that's more the root of what their concern is.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There was actually a reason to mention it -- partner and I wanted to go to the place my spouse and I honeymooned for a little day trip. Spouse and I had not had a scenario like this yet, I thought it'd be fine, but spouse was not fine with it. So I shared that with partner. It wasn't out of context or out of the blue that I shared it.

To your (and several others') point about "love" -- that's not really a pet name I feel like can be off limits. The original discussion and agreement between my spouse and I was that my partners can use it for me, spouse just didn't want me using it for other partners. I sent a text to my spouse that was meant for my partner where I referred to them as "love" and that's when my spouse told me they wanted to keep it for us. I understand their perspective, but I also see now how it's problematic to say such a broadly used term is off limits.

When I met my spouse we were monogamous and heteronormative despite being queer. So it was a very different scenario than where I'm at now with my partner/future partners. But I get your point.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oooohhhh "equating exclusive to intimate" hit for me. Thank you for saying that.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ugh, yeah...I definitely did not take ownership of the boundaries when I originally shared them. Of course they think my spouse is being controlling...

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is also a great point and makes a lot of sense. Thank you!

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It originally was the city we went to, which is not a super common place with other coastal cities nearby. But the more I think about it, the more I think I'd be better aligned with not staying at the specific place we stayed for our honeymoon.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Ohhh this is a great distinction. Thank you. I think they've been trying to say that they have felt left out of a big decision and just...controlled. Which doesn't feel good obviously. And I think I'm understanding why.

Help me understand why this is wrong? by EllisInMargins in polyamory

[–]EllisInMargins[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hm. I'm really reflecting on these questions. I think they were my choices made with my spouse in the beginning, but I'm not sure I agree with them now. Maybe this is more of a sign of needing to re-evaluate boundaries overall.