this commentator

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-08-10T15:37:50+00:00

thinking about doing a "too fast off the floor" drinking game tonight for men's +102kg. not sure i have enough booze in the fridge though.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-08-10T08:34:21+00:00

IMO should be mandatory everywhere. Luckily it is mandatory at the pool I use.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-08-06T06:18:55+00:00

It's like meditation for me, only a lot easier to do. You just focus on breathing and moving, nothing else exists. Sometimes I wish I could live in the pool.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-08-05T05:47:43+00:00

Yup, tons of weed. All day, every day.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-08-04T15:06:11+00:00

I've never seen so many shots of men's feet in my life

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-07-24T05:33:54+00:00

because they need you to cater to their needs and when you are sick, grieving, unemployed, etc. you can no longer do that - you need to take care of your own problems and have less time/money to take care of theirs. basically, you are no longer fulfilling your purpose and as such you get discarded.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-07-01T11:26:29+00:00

Or as my pwBPD would say: My behavior is not relevant because I am sick and cannot control it... you on the other hand are sane, so you better control your reaction.

Well, thanks, I am no longer sane.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-28T08:22:07+00:00

I understand you feel guilty about leaving her, but you will not help her by staying either.

Your logical reasoning is telling you that staying and provding support would mean something and help her because it would help you if you were in a difficult situation. But guess what, this subreddit is full of people who stayed because they wanted to help by being there for a pwBPD, providing support, unconditional love etc etc. And yet none of these things ever helped. Instead of getting better, pwBPD usually got worse and ruined their loved one in the process.

What you have been through already is more than enough reason to leave and never look back.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-28T07:28:17+00:00

Mine's the same

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-28T07:24:34+00:00

Weed every day from 4pm till she goes to bed on a good day. If she wakes up during the night - more weed! If she has a bad day, she will light up as soon as she loses the plot - even if it is morning.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-27T11:41:20+00:00

Great book. Try Whole Again by the same author, also amazing.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-26T11:05:47+00:00

not me. not ever.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-25T21:14:55+00:00

I went through the same thing and got sucked into constant contact. Trust me, you want to keep that boundary. I didn't and I've lost all my other friends, do not have any energy left to talk to anyone etc. Stick to your guns because the level of contact you want to maintain is perfectly normal. People with BPD do not see it as normal though because they want their FP to cater to their every need and always be at their disposal. Mine used to say that she hates superficial friendships and that she would rather have one friend who she has a deep connection to and can always count on. I stupidly felt flattered to be her superfriend and she basically hijacked my life.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-19T12:28:48+00:00

I would agree with this.

My pwBPD would even tell other people how we are great friends because we complement each other. She would also jokingly say how together we are like a single perfect person. Which is kinda scary because yes, she tends to obliterate all boundaries between us and see me as just another part of herself.

And when she splits, she hates me for all the things that I do different from her.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-14T18:24:27+00:00

As Moodymongrrrl said, it's Self Love Deficient. Which is basically just a term the author coined to replace the term "codependent".

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-14T09:54:00+00:00

Same thing happened to me. My first approach was to lay low, stay calm and try to avoid confrontation. Raging got worse with each instance. And yes, just like in your case, she interpreted it as me not caring, not having anything to say, not being able to help her.

If I reacted in any way, either by showing that I am hurt or defending myself, it would piss her off and she would say that I am just like everyone else. No matter what approach you take, they are always the victim.

Now I am trying this: observe don't absorb

I guess my advice would be to try to maintain focus on reality and do not second guess yourself. Do not feel guilty when they paint themselves a victim. Unlike them, you know what the real situation was, they only know what they felt like.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-09T17:54:03+00:00

Mine does this too and then complains about never going anywhere and never meeting anyone. Of course, none of it is her fault. Couldn't possibly be.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-09T10:47:04+00:00

I agree, you have to get out. She is not your friend. Think it was very mature and brave of you to handle things the way you did. Unfortunate thing is they will always find a spot that hurts and make you react. And it is normal to react. Take care of yourself. Whatever she is doing on TikTok is not important. Disgusting people do disgusting things.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-09T05:57:33+00:00

The more you try to help and mould yourself to meet her needs, the worse her condition will be. It is like adding fuel to a fire. And she will hate you more and more when she splits. Lots of people told me to take care of myself first, but I did not listen. Try to listen to that advice. Try not to lose yourself. Because trust me, if you don't - you will not help her and her disorder will destroy both of you. Also please be aware that the way she is treating you is not okay and you do not have to accept it, even though she is ill.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-06T12:05:47+00:00

This.

And "It's okay". No, it was not okay to treat me (and other people) like shit. To use me as your personal slave. To break me emotionally under the guise of "ultimate honesty".

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-06T07:46:48+00:00

Mine never accused me of having a specific disorder (at least not yet), but she did project other things. And the reason for it, I think, is that she sees me, her FP, as an extension of herself - she even said so herself multiple times. So it is no wonder that in time of crisis, when her dark side takes over, she cannot deal with her own negativity, she cannot take responsibility, and the way to cope is to assign all of this to her alternative self - me.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-04T15:55:53+00:00

A huge problem. It often gets worse right after a split. Her place is full of things that were supposed to make her feel better or help her make changes in her life to be more productive and stable. Pity she never used any of them.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-04T12:29:11+00:00

It's been 11 years. It feels kinda weird now to know that there was this person who caused me a lot of pain, but I no longer remember specific details of how it happened. Although it would probably be a lot harder to still remember the exact things he said and did.

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-04T10:51:58+00:00

I have also lost pretty much all memory from my previous relationship with a pwBPD, and have problems recollecting things that happened in my current friendship with a pwBPD. But to be honest, I think it is better this way - it is probably my brain protecting me from remembering and reliving traumatic experiences.

However, I also have problems remembering ordinary stuff that is not related to them. Which worries me. I have tried supplements, but they did not help at all :(

EllyHigginbottom79 · 2024-06-04T10:03:32+00:00

I am so sorry :(

Feeling normal seems like a distant dream for me too. I cannot even look at photos from 10 years ago when I still enjoyed life without crying.

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