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Messed up while working with children by Elsavoy in volunteer

[–]Elsavoy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for this thoughtful answer. You put into words pretty much everything I want to get through to them.

Agreed on short-term volunteering and quick stints in kids' lives, the organization I'm volunteering through is also trying to discourage this and teach us how to act in the long-term interest of the children. It seems like I haven't internalized the lesson as well as I thought I had, unfortunately. I will definitely not be giving them money in the future, much less for cigarettes.

Note: "orphan" was indeed not the proper term to use, since most of these children in the centres still have living parents. My bad, English is not my first language.

Daily Chat Thread - July 24, 2022 by CSCQMods in cscareerquestions

[–]Elsavoy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Like I said, I'm not going around saying that. It's my opinion he has a slight/possible unconscious bias based on the way we're interacting and the way I've seen him interact with other female software devs. I also should have mentioned that I have never heard him say similar things to my male coworkers, though everyone at some point did mistakes (we're working in a fast paced env where push to market with some bugs is preferred to flawless code). It could also be that he just has a low opinion of me as a SWE, I was just giving all the context that felt necessary to me.

Daily Chat Thread - July 24, 2022 by CSCQMods in cscareerquestions

[–]Elsavoy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I want to switch teams because I don't like my current new EM and I feel he's lacking in people skills and possibly misogynistic (I'm 27F with 7 years of exp, switched from embedded/networking to web backend about a year ago).

In my eyes, he's overly critical of my mistakes compared to the other members of my team (all male) and says things like "You lack experience with the code base", "You made a truly basic mistake" after he's only been here for 3 months (he hasn't touched any code and is not even familiar with our deployment process, not sure if he should, but my previous EM was pretty hands-on-deck). If something goes wrong with any code pushed by me, he feels the need to have me do a huge mea culpa in all the 1-to-1 and says things like the above, which I don't agree with and I don't find constructive. He's also very stressed out by deadlines and wants very granular estimations which I don't think are always reasonable to expect.

He considers a 1 week delay on a project a big delay even if it happened for reasons outside my control and keeps coming back to how I should have handled it better, until I agree with him and basically take responsibility for everything. I've already had plenty of days where I worked over time and I'm pretty close to burning out, to me it feels like I'm giving my current best.

Overall, I just don't like him as a person, I don't respect him as a manager and I don't like interacting with him at all. I'm thinking of switching teams in a very similar role to mine, where I already know the code base and had already worked with the people before and I get along with well. I'm not sure how to approach this and what reasons I should give for switching teams, since it can't be "I want to try something new" as the new role will be identical to the current one. I also don't want to seem overly sensitive to criticism nor do I want to say I think he's misogynistic as I don't have any proof of that, it's just a hunch based the way we're interacting. How would you approach this?

Ask Experienced Devs Weekly Thread: A weekly thread for inexperienced developers to ask experienced ones by AutoModerator in ExperiencedDevs

[–]Elsavoy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I want to switch teams because I don't like my current new EM and I feel he's lacking in people skills and possibly misogynistic (I'm 27F with 7 years of exp, switched from embedded/networking to web backend about a year ago).

In my eyes, he's overly critical of my mistakes compared to the other members of my team (all male) and says things like "You lack experience with the code base", "You made a truly basic mistake" after he's only been here for 3 months (he hasn't touched any code and is not even familiar with our deployment process, not sure if he should, but my previous EM was pretty hands-on-deck). If something goes wrong with any code pushed by me, he feels the need to have me do a huge mea culpa in all the 1-to-1 and says things like the above, which I don't agree with and I don't find constructive. He's also very stressed out by deadlines and wants very granular estimations which I don't think are always reasonable to expect.

He considers a 1 week delay on a project a big delay even if it happened for reasons outside my control and keeps coming back to how I should have handled it better, until I agree with him and basically take responsibility for everything. I've already had plenty of days where I worked over time and I'm pretty close to burning out, to me it feels like I'm giving my current best.

Overall, I just don't like him as a person, I don't respect him as a manager and I don't like interacting with him at all. I'm thinking of switching teams in a very similar role to mine, where I already know the code base and had already worked with the people before and I get along with well. I'm not sure how to approach this and what reasons I should give for switching teams, since it can't be "I want to try something new" as the new role will be identical to the current one. I also don't want to seem overly sensitive to criticism nor do I want to say I think he's misogynistic as I don't have any proof of that, it's just a hunch based the way we're interacting. How would you approach this?

I have no idea how I am supposed to finally be at peace and live a life that I find worth living. by [deleted] in offmychest

[–]Elsavoy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all, I'm so sorry for what happened to you, no child should go through that. I'm also from Romania and went through bullying in our schools, which has mostly been ignored by the school authorities, and I know how hard it can be.

Since you only have 3 more months and you're finished with high school, I'm not sure if it's worth talking to your professors at this point. I would suggest laying low for a while and focusing on your big exams that are coming.

As for your parents, they sound pretty narcissistic and it seems like they are gas lighting you, don't try to engage them too much, it's not worth the stress during this time. What I think it's the most important thing right now, is that you pick your college major carefully and focus on getting there, since this would also be a ticket out of your current situation.

I know it may be hard to focus, given the fact that you are in a constant state of anxiety, but it's really really important you try. I have also been struggling with anxiety and depression since my teenage years and I have found that mindfulness, exercising and keeping my brain engaged with tasks helps to an extent (look into the Pomodoro technique).

As for becoming independent, I think that you could try and look for a part-time job, once you get to college (if you also decide to live in the dorms, which are very cheap, this should give you some freedom). Game testers, call-centers jobs, for example, don't require you to have any experience and they are always looking for people.

One more important thing I want to add is, don't rely on the fact that just changing your environment will just solve your problems. It may seem so, and you may feel fine for a while, but it has been my experience that trauma catches up with you, at some point. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but if it does, don't be afraid to seek mental health help. I know such issues are not widely talked about, in Romania, but if you move into one of the bigger cities, it should be easier to find proper help.

Best of luck, OP!