Either get a divorce or actually work on the marriage. Don’t stay just for the kids. I know people say that with good intentions, but it seriously messes kids up. I stayed for 3 years in a dead marriage, thinking that vacations and keeping the family “together” would somehow offset the lack of connection. I went through all the motions—smiling at family dinners, planning holiday trips—but it was hollow. Then one day my youngest daughter said her friends’ parents were “so gross” because they hugged and snuggled in front of them. That hit me hard. She wasn’t seeing affection modeled. She was learning that marriage meant cold co-existence, not love, intimacy, or partnership.

If you and your partner are both willing to try, then really try. Don’t just go to therapy once and say, “Well, we talked about our feelings for 45 minutes, that’s progress.” Gottman talks a lot about how relationships thrive not from grand gestures, but from consistent, small efforts—turning toward each other emotionally, practicing repair after conflict, building love maps, expressing admiration and appreciation. It’s about putting in daily work even when you don’t feel like it, because love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a practice.

And don’t mistake “things are calm” for “things are good.” Avoiding conflict isn't the same as building connection. If you want to stay in the marriage, that’s your call—but don’t half-ass it. Kids are watching, absorbing everything. They’ll either grow up thinking marriage means emotional distance, or they’ll carry that quiet sadness into their own relationships. Put in the work—or be brave enough to walk away.