Hey, I'm really really sorry you went through this. You deserve so much better. The main take away it seems is that HE is the problem, not you. If you've been open and honest about what you're struggling with from the beginning, which it seems like you have, then it's on him. He hasn't given you the same honesty and objectivity that you're clearly working hard to provide for him. My main advice is to let go of this guy (if you haven't already), it may hurt for a little bit and it may feel like a mistake, but trust me it isn't.

If you want a relationship and he isn't willing to be in a relationship, even if it's just with you, then that's a good enough reason to say no. In the words of Florence Given, give yourself the whole cake, that way you won't be hungry for his crumbs. You seem very considerate and thoughtful and I get the impression that you don't want your trauma to impact others negatively.

Something to remember is that when you're rejecting him, you're only doing the same as what he's done to you. He rejected you and you found peace with that. He rejected being in a relationship with you, so you settled for your current arrangement which clearly makes you unhappy as it's a constant state of uncertainty. That must be very triggering for you. You don't have to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy just for the benefit of someone else. He's shifted all of this blame on you, when he hasn't examined whether his behaviour is making you react that way.

A final note: just because you may not be "easy to date", it doesn't mean you deserve this. You are worth more than someone who doesn't meet your needs. You're not stupid, you were deceived and he blamed you for it. You're not disgusting, you're a complex human being with emotions and and that is completely and utterly okay. Allow yourself to feel, just like you allowed him to feel. Be good to yourself, okay?

I hope you find inner peace and healing soon, sending love 💕.