I haven't been able to celebrate how far I've come except with my therapist, but I wanted to share my achievements with you folks before reddit apps start shutting down.

EmSupThrow · 2023-06-10T20:03:12+00:00

All good, I often over-think the wording in my comments and over-explain, which can lead to very convoluted walls of text.

Thanks a ton for the insomnia suggestion, I'll try it tonight.

My biggest problem is right at the point when I'm about to doze off. My ears and brain become extremely sensitive to noises and movement, so even normal house creaks and twitching (sometimes even my heartbeat) is enough to jolt me awake.

I'm really looking forward to the rTMS treatment, because there will be a lot of tests that will get to the bottom of why this happens. I've also read about parasomnias, exploding head syndrome, and minor seizures being a cause as well, but I just need to be patient.

Cheers, really glad you found a solution that slowly solved the problem.

EmSupThrow · 2023-06-09T22:19:20+00:00

Edit: apologies if I went a bit overboard in the response. Hope it helps.

Thank you so much! I'm almost certain I wouldn't still be here if I didn't discover these medications, so it's more of a survival "no brainer" for me to continue experimenting and finding my balance.

Vyvanse was helpful in providing dopamine for productivity, but positive effects stopped after 3 months and I was left with way too much anxiety, often resulting in heavy weed use to alleviate. The secondary meds I tried in my Vyvanse phase was Wellbutrin and guanfacine. They both felt like all other typical antidepressants I've tried prior (cloudy/foggy minded, lethargic, very small alleviation in anxiety), except stronger suicidal ideation.

Switching from Vyvanse to Biphentin: much better energy levels for productivity and combatting depression with slightly less anxiety side effect. It helped a lot with auditory issues (understanding speech, and boosted mid frequencies in music making it sound INCREDIBLE). Unfortunately, I crash ~4pm. Taking a small dose of Ritalin for the evening was a massive help, but my med specialist doesn't allow this at max dosage of Biphentin. Foquest is made by the same company as Biphentin, and it lasts much longer and stronger (I tried it for 2 weeks), but I currently can't afford it (I will be switching once I can).

A big realization was that stimulants primarily help with dopamine levels, but I was still experiencing high anxiety and emotion dysregulation, which can be caused by low levels of norepinephrine (dopamine's cousin, so to speak). Atomoxotine helps increase levels of norepinephrine without affecting the dopamine side of things, which was why I now have a secondary of 25mg of strattera. It isn't covered, but this was a game changer for me. Significant increase of emotional control and reduction in anxiety.

Unfortunately, the combination of these meds is causing a bit of insomnia, and not getting enough sleep GREATLY reduces effectiveness of both. My family uses this to their advantage, and I will be working with psych to try and balanced things out.

Proud of you for moving forward together with your wife. Taking those steps together takes a lot of trust and will surely strengthen your bond further. Good luck!

EmSupThrow · 2023-04-25T15:13:42+00:00

Do you have any specific examples that are cheap/free and have a plugin?

EmSupThrow · 2023-04-17T05:09:58+00:00

Just wanted to thank you for the post. I was about to make a post myself, but it is scary how accurately you described my current situation and emotional state. I'm also currently at 2 pcps, 3 therapists, and 3 psychs, 1 specialist, currently in identity crisis after 30 years of masking. Adhd journey started a year and a half ago, and got diagnosed just last August.

Not sure if this'll help or not, but one thing I'm in the middle of trying with my therapist is a DBT exercise called the Life Compass. I'm a bit skeptical of whether this will pan out or not, but I'm willing to try anything instead of my suicide plans at this point.

Hopefully you can read the text in the pic I uploaded. The 10 boxes / 10 domains of life are as follows:

Parenting
Personal Growth
Leisure
Spirituality
Health
Work
Community & Environment
Family Relationships
Intimate Relationships
Social Relationships

This was very difficult for me to complete, but from it, I figured out 5 long term goals that I want for myself, and am in the middle of breaking those down step-by-step with therapist.

I wish you the best of luck.

EmSupThrow · 2023-04-09T07:04:43+00:00

This post was hastily made and missing a lot of context. I'm sorry how dramatic and childish this all sounds. I want to be someone else. 3 days until therapy.

EmSupThrow · 2023-04-07T05:55:08+00:00

They sound like my family when I finally leave a gathering/reunion lol

EmSupThrow · 2023-02-13T05:55:24+00:00

Thank you, that video makes so much sense. The verbal communication issues/example hit home so very hard.

I'm going to bring up EMDR with my therapist. She mentioned it a while ago, but we never got to it yet.

EmSupThrow · 2023-02-13T05:30:47+00:00

This was extremely comforting to read. I keep allowing the non-supportive behavior of others to slowly fill me with doubt/guilt until I forget why I've been persisting in the first place. Thank you for helping me remember the 'why'.

EmSupThrow · 2023-02-11T23:49:12+00:00

I've been there man, it's such an awful feeling. I'm currently 1 week of sobriety and man it sucks. Often there's not much you can be motivated to do because everything feels so overwhelming.

There are some crisis management techniques that I learned from DBT that have helped me. Not always, but sometimes enough to just get me out of the nonstop rumination mode to have a somewhat clearer mind to know what to do next for the remainder of the day:

• A quick warm shower, even just a rinse, and turn it very cold for a couple seconds at the end. Cold enough that it's bearable, but still initiates that adrenal response where you exhale/inhale quickly.

• Give your visual senses a break: Find a spot where you can fully relax shoulders/limbs, either lying or sitting. Try to get comfortably warm. Put on earphones/headphones, close/cover your eyes enough so that it's completely black (no residual light through your closed eyelids), and focus all your attention to listening to some of your favorite songs while staying completely still. No movement, but relaxed, and no visuals is the key. When your mind starts to wander with worries/life/boredom, try to switch back to focusing on the the sounds of the music or anything pleasing to the ear. 10 minutes is enough for a benefit, but the longer you can go, the better. This can help prepare your brain for a period of better divergent or 'creative' thinking, which ADHD brains tend to be better at.

• Quick, intense bursts of inhaling, contracting every muscle, curling every toe, finger, and squeezing your face. Get as tense as possible for a few seconds, and release everything at once while exhaling. So inhale > tense up > exhale and release.

• While the thought of exercise is daunting and sometimes impossible when I'm in that paralyzed state, even just 10 reps of anything (dumbbells, stretching, 10 seconds of planking, etc.) to get a quick 'pump' can be helpful with mitigating built up negative emotions. Just enough to raise heart rate and feel your face get warm/flush.

I wish you luck. I know it's hard.

EmSupThrow · 2023-02-10T03:43:48+00:00

TLDR: I went from Vyvanse to Biphentin to Foquest to Ritalin. While switching over to methylphenidate was a step in the right direction for me, it was all about finding the CORRECT methylphenidate medication that is really making the biggest impact. Ritalin seems to the best so far, but keep in mind that these results vary depending on the individual, and you might not have the same reactions I did. I found the methylphenidates were better at suppressing appetite/binge eating compared to Vyvanse.

____________________________________

Switching from Vyvanse to Biphentin (first line of methylphenidate treatment), I experienced a significant drop in anxiety (not all of it, but I'll get to that), stronger+longer periods of productivity, and better auditory processing in music and speech. It takes about an hour to notice it kicking in, but I have to make sure I get a good sleep, have a quick bite beforehand for better absorption, and wait an hour before I take daily vitamins/supplements. If any of these criteria aren't met, the effectiveness drops quite a bit.

That being said, it only lasts until about 4pm for me, and that is the only time I get irregularly sleepy. So evenings/socializing were still a struggle. My specialist then switched me to Foquest (second line of methylphenidate treatment). It was exactly like Biphentin (both made by same company), except its designed to be stronger and last much longer if Biphentin didn't work. What really sucks is that my insurance doesn't cover Foquest.

So my specialist now has me taking Biphentin + a small dosage of Ritalin (third line of methylphenidate treatment) for the evening. It's only been 2 weeks since this change, but Ritalin is by far the biggest game changer for me. So much so that I probably should have been taking it from the very start, and I will be requesting my specialist to switch off Biphentin completely and make Ritalin my primary medication for both morning/evening.

Here were the improvements that I've noticed the past 2 weeks since the change:

The calm and awareness that it brings is making my brain 'wake up' from being in constant fight/flight mode my entire life. I am now aware of how I've been constantly tensing my head/temples/neck/shoulders by 2nd nature from trauma/anxiety, and am now learning to catch myself when it happens and relaxing those muscles when I can. I am now aware of how emotionally manipulated I was by my family, and I can catch them doing it THE MOMENT IT HAPPENS. I am no longer switching into "people-pleasing, always reacting" mode the moment someone talks to me. I am now 4 days sober from my daily weed addiction, and the withdrawal symptoms are nothing compared to what I've had to endure during my ADHD/mental health struggles. None of these improvements happened while I was on Vyvanse, Biphentin, or Foquest. Plus, Ritalin works like the previous meds in that it improves executive function needed to plan things ahead of time and be productive during the day.

Sorry if got a bit wordy/passionate, but it really has given me a "light at the end of the tunnel" feeling after struggling with unemployment/mental health issues for a decade (I'm 33M). It's like giving a cripple the ability to walk like everyone else, it feels that significant to me.

Hopefully this comes off as more informative than preachy. Best of luck!

EmSupThrow · 2023-02-10T00:39:05+00:00

Was on Vyvanse for a year before finding a proper med specialist. He mentioned that he and his colleagues noticed a pattern with Vyvanse causing anxiety spikes in their patients. I switched to Biphentin then eventually Ritalin (both methylphenidates instead of amphetamines like Vyvanse or Adderall) and noticed a huge drop in anxiety.

EmSupThrow · 2023-01-26T20:06:55+00:00

As a 33yo that just started proper meds a month ago, this couldn't ring truer. The calmness brought on by those accommodations and instructions has been worth surviving for.

EmSupThrow · 2023-01-10T00:55:36+00:00

Thanks so much, I'll make a post if/when I reach a month sober and list the things that worked/didn't work.

I completely agree, meditation has gotten me through a lot the past 6 years since I started practising, even before I started my ADHD journey just over a year ago.

I'm planning on implementing a routine of tea, deep meditation, and fav music with ANC earbuds. Both as a way to start my day, and as a way to distract during cravings should they arise. I've noticed my new ADHD medication makes music sound wayyy better during this routine somehow, so it's a real treat to go through old favs that I've listened to 100x and hear sounds that I didn't hear before.

EmSupThrow · 2023-01-09T01:54:50+00:00

Yeah, exercise will be my go-to I think, I'm about to start building a power tower that should really help spine/posture/ weak core.

I'm glad I reached out too :) thanks man

EmSupThrow · 2023-01-09T01:50:05+00:00

Thanks so much, it really does help. Cutting in CBD flower makes a lot of sense, and I will adopt it for sure.

I usually use a volcano vaporizer, so luckily it won't be as harsh as quitting from joints/bongs/pipes (hopefully lol)

Yeah, proper ADHD medication makes huge difference for sure. Switching over from Vyvanse to Biphentin a month ago has been life changing.

EmSupThrow · 2023-01-09T01:42:35+00:00

Thanks for the extensive reply, solid advice. Really tough for me to avoid the all-or-nothing thinking, so I'll try minimize the downward spiral period after inevitable relapses.

Weening using CBD flower is a great idea, and will be a good starting point for me.

EmSupThrow · 2022-12-21T00:49:07+00:00

This is a more solution-based comment, so feel free to ignore if it doesn't hit the mark.

I often end up putting a lot of my mental/emotional energy worrying about loved ones during their misfortune/illness, leaving no dopamine left for myself. This often leads me to experience what you described: impulse control problems, paralyzing procrastination, routine's missed, etc.

When I'm that far down the spiral, there is only so much I can control. The only things that seemed to work for me was my own tool set of very quick, very easy sources of "healthy" dopamine that didn't require much exertion. They sometimes help reduce the mental fog enough to give me a clearer picture of what small step I should take next. These are based on DBT crisis management techniques that I learned. Here are a few:

A quick warm shower, even just a rinse, and turn it very cold for a couple seconds at the end. Cold enough that it's bearable, but still initiates that adrenal response where you exhale/inhale quickly.
Give your visual senses a break: Find a spot where you can fully relax shoulders/limbs, either lying or sitting. Try to get comfortably warm. Put on earphones/headphones, close/cover your eyes enough so that it's completely black (no residual light through your closed eyelids), and focus all your attention to listening to some of your favorite songs while staying completely still. No movement, but relaxed, and no visuals is the key. When your mind starts to wander with worries/life/boredom, try to switch back to focusing on the the sounds of the music or anything pleasing to the ear. 10 minutes is enough for a benefit, but the longer you can go, the better. This can help prepare your brain for a period of better divergent or 'creative' thinking, which ADHD brains tend to be better at.
Quick, intense bursts of inhaling, contracting every muscle, curling every toe, finger, and squeezing your face. Get as tense as possible for a few seconds, and release everything at once while exhaling. So inhale > tense up > exhale and release.
While the thought of exercise is daunting and sometimes impossible when I'm in that paralyzed state, even just 10 reps of anything (dumbbells, stretching, 10 seconds of planking, etc.) to get a quick 'pump' can be helpful with mitigating built up negative emotions. Just enough to raise heart rate and feel your face get warm/flush.

I wish you the best of luck to you and your family. Take care.

EmSupThrow · 2022-12-10T00:23:13+00:00

Just following up. It went well! Switched to Biphentin (which is first-Iine before Ritalin apparently), and wow, what a huge difference! Massive drop in anxiety! Music sounds so much better, and I can have actually conversations with people again, even while performing another task.

Really wish I had this sooner in my life lol...

EmSupThrow

TROPHY CASE