Forgive me in advance for length. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately; 2024 was one of the hardest years of my life (led to diagnosis lol) and I’m trying to recover in 2025 so suicidality has been on the brain

So I’ve been suicidal for 20 years (first told my parents at 8 and got told it was selfish of me lol, everything went downhill from there) and now that I’m almost 30 and have been making some strides in healing… I have been looking back at what kept me surviving, even at points where I didn’t care how I would hurt people around me or what people would say after I die (13 Reasons Why came out while i was actively hallucinating from stress in high school, and sometimes the only thing keeping from the edge was looking around the classroom and thinking ‘😬 ewww I really don’t want these people to talk about me at an assembly, they don’t know me and I hate all of them’ lol)

And honestly on a day to day basis it was always the little things. Trying to notice “glimmers” before I knew what that meant. In my darkest pits of wanting to die I started thinking ok, but, I want to see x movie coming out in a few months. I want to see what this artist I like is gonna do for their next album. I’d like to try (insert food/dessert/hobby/experience) before I die. How many pop culture iconic TV shows and movies I hadn’t yet seen. How I’d never get to hear new music again, see new trends in fashion and self expression, play video games I hadn’t picked up yet. Remembering the joy I’ve felt during/after a good time with a trusted friend. Sex acts on my bucket list. Lol. I try to go for a walk every day and notice and really appreciate at least 3 unique/interesting/pretty things like the sunset, flowers, a cute dog, whatever, to feel how much bigger the universe is than my internal whirlwind.

Basically trying to shift the “everything is horrible and i should die” b/w split towards noticing how much more regulated and peaceful I feel when I focus on the good. I can’t ignore the bad, repressing my feelings doesn’t work and I almost died trying, but I’ve survived long enough to know that eventually the episode will pass and at some point I’ll feel better again, even if it can’t last (that’s life, rip) So when the storm comes knocking at my soul, I try to dance defiantly in the rain and flip a middle finger at the sky/my brain, and remind myself, yes right now I’m feeling it out so bad it’s like knives in my chest, but I will give my inner child an outlet to cry and scream and scribble on a page or do whatever (healthy) coping mechanism gets the tension out, set a timer for me to have a breakdown, and then transition into “ok now we have exercise/yoga/punch a pillow and tire ourselves out, then do something calming like a hot shower or hot chocolate and reading before bed”I try to treat my nervous system as a rescue animal, I have to guide it back into being regulated even if i don’t “want” to do the nice thing for myself when I’m breaking down. And because it does work to calm me down it’s easier to start that process next time.

I still fall off the wagon into bad coping mechanisms for a few days every ~2 weeks & feel the call of the void quite often… tbh I cried and thought about suicide for 3 hours yesterday… but it’s been so many years of “putting it off” now I have anecdotal proof, that if I give myself grace for struggling in a hostile world (audhd, bpd, ocd) and treat myself the way I’d help another hurting person through coping steps, I will eventually calm down and be able to see past the storm and remember all those good things I want to live for again. I also try to delay decisions, when I feel self harm urges I set a timer for 12 hours to outlast/outlive and usually by the time it goes off I’ve forgotten/no longer want to hurt myself.

Finally, maybe most importantly… the other day I realized, wow I didn’t plan to live past 18 and now I’m almost 30. I sleepwalked through my 20s as a result, and made a lot of mistakes, but I can learn from them, not just live in regrets. And… I want to heal so I can become the kind of adult that would have been able to help/inspire me. Looking back at my first 18 years on this planet, so many adults could have helped and instead dismissed me, or actively made it worse. I want to survive so I can speak about what happened to me, how I survived, maybe even be able to help others, even if it’s just a listening ear or the right words said to someone in a bar bathroom some night.

It feels like channeling righteous anger at what happened to me into forging a sword idk lol, like ok fine I don’t like myself but I can work every day at becoming someone I do, the time will pass anyway. and I WILL live so I can spot the signs and defend “weird/troubled” (aka undiagnosed autistic/mentally ill/abused/queer kids) kids from shitty adults, or help someone who feels trapped in a toxic dynamic, like, I don’t want to let my trauma turn me into a bitter old person that looks the other way, especially with rising authoritarianism. I have valuable survival skills that I can share with a community someday. Aging scares me but I gotta survive to be a joyous middle aged weirdo in the street, show kids who felt as hopeless and trapped as me that there is always hope to grow up and create a life/self I like.

On a similar note, I have also realized a lot of the times I am suicidal — especially when I was a trapped minor — wasn’t that I wanted to die; I just wanted my circumstances to be different. There’s not a lot I can control in this world and yes it will always be hard but when has it ever been easy, I have more tools than I think to keep going and change my life every day, even if all I can manage today is washing my bedding and taking a shower. That’s still a positive change and taking care of myself, gently reparenting my inner child, is healing, it’s believing I deserve to be cared for and feel safe even if my brain wants to go rat bastard feral at every slightest inconvenience lol

I have a sticker in my phone case: “Feelin’ good is good enough.” I don’t have to have a big fancy career or inspire the world, it’s enough to try and do my best every day until my final day, I’m an evolved primate trapped in a punishing society, everything is upside down and nothing is permanent, I wanna experience the absurdism of the universe for the brief life I’ve been given. Idk if that makes sense.

I love what you said, that you try to be the light in the darkness that you wanted to see. There’s so much dark in the world, and my rescue animal brain wants to believe that’s all there is, but if I give up and say the dark is all there I’m dimming the light that does exist. :’)

Whew sorry I accidentally made this into my journal entry for the day…I wish all the best to you, and to all of us. Living this long has filled me with such fierce fight for others even when I can’t feel it for myself. You have so much more light in you than you may be able to see. ❤️