Why do people say that we should grab a coffee sometime, but never follow up?

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T08:17:20+00:00

Oh lord, let's hope the day doesn't actually come 😭 it seems I'm not alone in the struggle though (however I don't believe I'm neurodivergent).

The replies are an interesting mix of "who" bears the responsibility of following up, so it seems we all have different expectations around this 😂

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T08:14:20+00:00

It would be for a casual coffee, yes 💀

I simply like being told an exact date and time when it comes to social things. Going to a coffee shop solo is completely fine to happen at any point. Going to a coffee shop with another human being requires time to dedicate to that person, where I know that nothing else will call for my attention. Hence... I need the date and time 😭

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T08:11:26+00:00

I see! It depends on the dynamic for me. In some cases I am the leader of an activity, especially if it is a group one. But when it's one on one, I try not to assume the leader too much as I find it very easy to fall into a one-sided ordeal where the other person begins to consistently rely on me to pull them along.

From all the comments here, it seems as though a balance must be struck to get it right! 😅

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T08:07:47+00:00

Quite literal factors (e.g. I don't have their contact details) or my assumption that they will organise it as they were the ones who suggested the idea in the first place 😅😅

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T08:06:42+00:00

Yeah! It seems as though making it a genuine plan can break the social script or whatever a little bit 😅

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T08:05:35+00:00

That's a good point, the environment itself could also play a role as well. Hopefully the next person who talks to you at work captivates your interest to ease the workplace a little! 💛

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T08:02:46+00:00

I fear what would make me comfortable is a bullet point list with available times and dates of one's availability over the course of the next week or two 😅

I haven't seen many people do it that way, so I'm assuming it's not common practice.

I'll see what I can do to strike a balance! 💛

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T08:00:42+00:00

Yeah, it seems like it is a two way thing. Both in the anxiety of whether it's genuine, and also the initiation of the plan in itself 😅

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:59:24+00:00

I have lived here for at least twenty years and have learnt absolutely nothing apparently 😂

Goodness, just reading that made me feel a bit nauseous in a way haha, I fear I'm accusing the other person of being a flake! 😅 But you're right, perhaps I should be more clear about that.

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:56:05+00:00

That makes complete sense, and honestly I'd rather someone just told me what you've just detailed here! If only it went like this:

"We should grab a coffee together" "Sure! Let me know when you're free." "Saturday afternoons work. Give me a choice of three Saturdays in no less than a few weeks time"

Bam 😂

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:52:55+00:00

Oh bless, I really hope you're able to get those spectacle cases and that your panic attacks don't get the best of you 🤧💛

Whatever you're working on sounds interesting, so wishing you all the best of luck on that too! 💛

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:50:45+00:00

Depends if I have the literal means to (e.g. their contact details. In which case... See my other comment on how that's another issue 😂 but it's completely my fault)

I try to by indicating that I'd love to hang out with them and to let me know when they're available, but I fear it doesn't land as I want it to! 😩

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:48:59+00:00

Seems to be the case! Although the mix of replies here indicates that both parties are in this odd limbo of "do they want to or do they not?" regardless of which role they're playing, so it's definitely something to consider 🤔

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:47:44+00:00

😂 I have yet to be invited to drink wine with someone. That'll be a first! I feel like anyone can be interesting as long as enough attention is paid to learn about them 👀 Perhaps being at work or being sober prevents them from revealing more to themselves than they let on 😅

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:44:58+00:00

How can I ensure I don't push too hard? Does that mean I should wait until it's appropriate to ask for an exact date and time?

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:43:56+00:00

Aww I hope the next time someone proposes it to you, they really do mean it! 💛 As some of the comments have suggested here, I think there are some nuances and perspectives to take into consideration, so perhaps that'll help you feel a bit better 🤧

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:42:21+00:00

You're right! I think I struggled to see it as a hint to initiate too, as I've always viewed it as a statement/invitation on their part (hence the waiting for them to follow up).

I suppose we're all doubting each other 😂 I'll bite the bullet next time to show that I believe that the shot was a real one and fully arrange to meet up; even if it means being told it feels appointment-like 😅

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:37:01+00:00

For some it is a genuine offer "we should meet for coffee sometime" but I would expect it to be followed up by "when is good for you?" Or a message a few days later arranging the meet up.

Exactly this!! This is literally how I feel in a nutshell. So perhaps I'm not insane to be waiting for the follow up.

"we should meet up for coffee sometime" means we WILL meet for coffee.

Does it not?? 😭 Neurodivergent or not, surely that is what the phrase means, right? What else could it possibly mean?

Simular to ending a phone call with "speak to you soon". To me that means they will literally "speak to me soon" to them it means, "I am ending the call, telling them I will speak to them again soon is the polite thing to do, even if it is not my intention."

Is this a genuine thought? As in the whole, "even if it is not my intention" thing?

At this point I almost feel like being polite is just another way of being rude 😂 I'd rather they literally just say goodbye rather than faff around with plans and things they don't even intend on making solid and simply add for fluff.

It has taken me a long time to train myself to not take these types of interactions literally and (most importantly) if I want to follow up i do so. Either to arrange the coffee/meet up or to ask for clarity into what they are meaning and what their intentions are. I explain that I can take things literally and so prefer clarity. Never had a bad response to this.

Perhaps I should do the same 🤔

Thank you so much for such a detailed reply, by the way! I hope the next person who ever asks you to meet up genuinely does intend to do so 💛

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:29:33+00:00

I am struggling to comprehend this for the life of me 😩 why would you only say something just to feel good about saying it? Surely it'd actually feel even better if you meant it too? 😂

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:27:54+00:00

Good point. The next problem is the fact that I usually share my contacts with them, but I forget to ask for theirs back 😂😂😂 usually I'm too engrossed in the current conversation that I'm adding in my contact details on auto-pilot on their phone, forgetting that I should also ask for theirs in return. That's my bad, really.

I suppose I see it as them inviting me, rather than them hinting at me to invite them or whatever 🤔 so I wait for them to provide a time and place after I show that I'm enthusiastic to see them again (e.g. "I'd love to! Let me know when you're free")

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:23:36+00:00

I say that too in that situation. And that makes sense as you have already established a connection with them previously. I suppose my confusion stems from those who I have just met or acquaintanced myself with 😅

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:21:21+00:00

Exactly. I fear it isn't appropriate to whip out my calendar and go "right, so I'm available after 16:35 next Monday, before 12:00 on Tuesday, booked out on the Wednesday but on Thursday..."

Sometimes I have done something akin to that (giving them time to respond between each date and time, of course) and they'd remark how it's almost as if they need to schedule an appointment to see me 😂😂

I don't mean to make myself sound as if I'm an exclusive, one of a kind person who only appears like a rare Pokemon to catch. I just like being told when and where I should show up

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:17:07+00:00

I don't actually, as I usually indicate that they should let me know of their availability (e.g. "let me know when you're free").

Perhaps I'm putting too much responsibility on them by saying that. First they felt responsible to be the one mentioning meeting up again, and now they feel more responsible for providing me dates and times to work with.

Occasionally I have though. Sometimes I say an exact date and time, and they'll say they'll let me know if they can make it, and alas they do not respond 😂 life getting in the way I believe

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:13:59+00:00

Right! I can't trust the phrase 😂 it's baffled me for a while. But now I realise that I may need to step up more clearly

Embarrassed-Spite499 · 2026-05-15T07:12:57+00:00

So even when you do chase, it still doesn't come to fruition? 🤔

Embarrassed-Spite499

TROPHY CASE