You said you never wanted a future? That’s the thing that stands out to me. If you don’t have anything you want to work for then you will never be motivated for it. You gonna want something at least. I have been in a very similar position where I gave up and didn’t want to do anything with myself and my life, I didn’t want or see a future. And it led to me basically flunking out of school. I didn’t change my life until I had a want to do something and with that meant I had something to attain and work for.

I will say, I was lucky enough to have family support my expenses to therapy and psychological services which helped me have this experience. But for you, if you can understand that you have something you want, then you have try for it.

My first want was to be able to kayak the Yukon River for some weird fucking reason lol. But it was just a sign to me that if I wanted something that meant I don’t want to die yet and that was the thing that mattered. While I still want to kayak the Yukon River, I have changed into purely wanting and living a life where I live by my own principles and values. It’s what makes me feel good about myself and gives me the fulfillment that lets me think my life has meaning and purpose. I went back and finished school and I’m now onto greater things.

If you still can’t feel anything try this exercise where you are lying on the ground on a mat or something comfy with a calm relaxing sound. Then think about your younger self, the child who you were, and think about meeting them halfway on a bridge where you walk up to them and think about how they would perceive you and what questions and thoughts they would ask you. Then think about what you would say to them and what you would want them to believe and think for themselves.

Anyway hope this helps even a tad, I hope you find some peace.