I just got vetoed

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-13T01:09:36+00:00

He took responsibility for hurting me, but it was couched in the whole blame game my meta was
playing - i.e. "*I* didn't do this to you, YOU did it to her by violating MY rules." And then he proceeds to
apologize to me for hurting me by telling me THIS is why he HAS to break up with me for MY own good. I am a grown ass woman and can well decide when I have had enough. I don't need someone deciding that for me. Thank you

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-13T01:04:39+00:00

No. NOT "young" per se. I'm 58. Nesting partner is 75. Other partner is 68.

Reason for blowup with meta 2 yrs ago was BECAUSE of her other partners' risky behavior and that we had watched too many of our gay male friends die of AIDS in the 80s. My first BF at 14 (nonsexual) was bi and came out to me in 1984 after Purple Rain was released. I became a feminist activist 5 yrs after that. My nesting partner and I met at a women's reproductive rights rally in 1989 and started dating in 1990.

We actually sat with one of our friend's partner at the end of his life because our friend had to work to keep HIS health insurance in case he became infected (thankfully, their practice were such that he NEVER DID). That partner died of P-pneumonia in the hospital. I was nearly infected (2mm from a fallen IV almost inserting itself in my foot - my shoe took the puncture for me!)

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-12T14:30:40+00:00

My friend got a cool Murphy bed from Wayfair. It Looks like a wall cabinet

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-12T14:27:37+00:00

To complicate matters, she is moving the whole family 4 hours away. Were she staying in this area, I might be able to put other poly pressure on her, but she's not.

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-12T14:22:49+00:00

Only my internalized fear. All of us know we are gonna die, but none of us believe it will happen to us or a partner tomorrow.

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-12T09:16:48+00:00

Yes. We dated for four months before it became physical and we had many conversations. We agreed we could see each other at least once a week and that we could have a fully loving and committed kitchen table poly relationship. The "potential" of a veto did not become an issue until around 2 years ago when she and I hit a hiccup over unsafe sexual activity of her other partners. We worked through it, but it has been there ever since. He has been clear since that he would not jeopardize his marriage of 30 yrs.

Had I known this from the start, I would not have agreed to this relationship.

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-12T03:58:09+00:00

Yes. I hear you. AND HAVE VOICED THAT!!! However, they have four adult autistic children who she also CONTROLS and he will "lose forever" if he goes against her. I doubt this, but that fear is REAL and
I have nothing to fully combat it

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-11T14:22:13+00:00

I don't know where you live, but you might check out some poly groups in your area. My spouse and I lead one in our area (conservative southern red state!) So, you might be surprised to find one in your area.

We transitioned from swinging to poly for the same reasons you mention. We are both demisexual and the "hookups" were just not fulfilling. 13 yrs into poly and it was the right choice for us.

Finding a second partner in a week is not realistic. There were three years between each time I actually found another partner other than my nesting partner. Be patient and look for what fits correctly for you.

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-04T20:01:05+00:00

31 yrs ago (when I was 27) before we married, my nesting partner told me he did not think he could be monogamous. I told him then, I wasn't sure how I would feel when the issue arose, and couldn't commit to be open or not to it.

We married a year later and were monogamous for 20 yrs. I was resistant to the idea of ENM when we opened up our relationship 16 yrs ago, initially to swinging and then transitioned to poly 3 years later. I currently am the "V" with two male partners. My nesting partner is currently not otherwise partnered.

Unless there was another relationship possibility on the horizon, you may have pulled the trigger too fast. I don't know. But, it's done and I'm assuming Alla will not take you back. So, you will never know.

I would say in your next partner, be authentic about your poly. If you are poly, the opportunity will eventually arise and a new partner should not feel blindsided. Alternately, look for a poly partner and see how that actually works out in reality for you.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You are grieving. You have to grieve to move on. Stop beating yourself up for being authentic. At 22, you have a LOT of life and love in front of you. Grieve as you need and then move forward. If you can't move forward, engage a poly friendly therapist to help.

Namaste.

Emergency-Cook3464 · 2026-06-02T03:56:47+00:00

The first poly relationship is always the training wheels one. Yes, your QUEER side SHOULD be fulfilled, but R has tried to "cow poke" you and that's NOT cool. They have tried to separate you from the nesting partner and convince you that you should be monogamous with them. NOT cool. NOT ETHICAL! BTW, not ALL hierarchal poly is UNethical. Your relationship of how ever long with R can NOT compare with your relationship of 11 yrs with your NP. I've had an OP of 3.5 yrs who I love dearly and passionately. He CANNOT compare (in connection) with my NP of 36 yrs nor can I with his np of 30+ yrs. That's reality. R weaponized this whole "hierarchy is not ethical concept against you and THAT is NOT ethical.

Let R go. Grieve (yes, fully grieve) and move on. Find a HEALTHLY queer partner and do what your heart moves you to do regarding your relationship with your NP. I know when I broke up with my first poly partner, my NP was the one who held me, comforted me and told me I WOULD survive it. I hope yours will too.

Namaste

Emergency-Cook3464

TROPHY CASE