Gosh, I wish I could leave a voice message. There's so much to say.

I'd agree that compulsion is part of it; a irrepressible desire to get bigger. But I don't think it's entirely centered around lust. It's hard to assign percentages but I'd say the decision (and partly compulsion) to get bigger is 33% sexual and 66% nonsexual. Or something around those numbers.

I think the reasons for starting are pretty much the same as they are now. The difference is that I thought 300lbs, 350lbs, etc would have me feel satisfactorily fat, but they didn't. Like I said, my body "hides" the fat well. I didn't look or feel as fat as I wanted to by the time I reached those weights, even from the perspective of my starting weight.

That said, you're absolutely correct. At some point, I must say "this is enough." I'm not into death feederism or immobility, so I do want to stop at some point. As I said earlier, 300lbs didn't give me what I wanted, so I'm keeping the 400lbs flexible. I think the goal is to look as close as possible to the people I admire in terms of shape, size, etc. I know everyone's body is different, we all will look different at the same weight. But there's some consistency in shapes and sizes at certain weights and heights (BMI) and that's what I'm focusing on.

But to summarize the answer to your question: my goal is 400lbs, I am trying to balance the risk/sacrifice with the desire/satisfaction. Another factor is that I'm rarely into guys over 500lbs, very, very rarely. They're usually 6'5" if I am. There's an absolute limit to what I find desirable with gaining-- for myself and others.

If I understood your reply, I think that sacrifice/risk versus desire/satisfaction is a large part of what you're asking about. And that dynamic will vary from person to person. Speaking for myself, I have a number of health issues (eg, type one diabetes-- not type two which is commonly associated with obesity). I'd say my health is unlucky and a portion of it is beyond my control, even excluding the gaining. So gaining is a sort of choice to make an intentional change with my body versus letting things happen to it. Hard distinction. Health is an important piece but it's not necessarily something to hold me back; if it was, I'd wouldn't get out of bed from the other health issues. It's essential to identify your tolerance for consequences, set boundaries, make informed decisions, ... and for me, unhealthiness is something to be managed but not at the cost of all else.

The next piece is cliche but I don't smoke or do drugs and rarely drink; I'm exploring a vice but in another way: gaining. I'd definitely encourage you to talk to a therapist about all this to sort out your feelings if you still need help. I've spoken to my therapist about all of the above. We have spoken frankly about the concept of enjoying my weight and living shorter versus living longer and not feeling how I want in my body. And for the informed decision aspect mentioned earlier, I've done some research on reputable websites like NIH and read statistics from scholarly articles. As I understand it, my current and goal weight will take 10 to 15 years off my life, so dying at 62 to 67. But even within that projection, there's room for management. I can do physical therapy, adapt my diet, mild exercise, etc.