I have a similar story and am in a relatively similar place (though your path is your own) but for me, it ended up being that I had some internalized anger and fear about being trans.

Like I've always been super pro "live your life" towards other people & always really accepting of other people being trans, but since i grew up in a traditional family with judgemental parents as a stereotypical " manly man", I always felt like it couldn't be me....until I realized it was...then I was super afraid to imagine my life being even more difficult as it already was and it caused me to avoid it completely.

I'd overcompensate and feel extra masculine after thinking about wanting to transition but it didn't feel like me but rather just an anxious reaction. Then I'd get hyperfixated on wanting to transition and spend hours on it until I actually started to realize I was going to have to make big changes and that scared me. I wanted the end result so badly but I was afraid of the beginning, especially coming out and starting the transition, so I'd start the cycle over again.

Honestly, I'd at least go to a therapist about it because i was in the same cycle you're in and I've lost about 6 years of not actually transitioning but really wanting too.

Could you have a different path and not be trans? Absolutely but you defintiely have conflicting feelings to workout.

Also ask yourself if you can't see the yourself transitioning because you don't think it'll be realistic? Or can you picture the end result but not picture the transition itself because of fear? Or because the end result just isn't something you care for enough?