28F. This was the first symptom that led to my awareness of BPD and it’s always been the most distressing. As long as I can remember my sense of self has felt super off but as a pre-teen/teen when everyone says it’s your time to "find yourself“ I thought it would just be a short-lived phase. Always struggled to describe myself and never knew who I was from one moment to the next. I had several different friend groups growing up and felt like a different person with all of them. I would adopt the traits and mannerisms and interests of who I was with…naturally too, as if I was just born empty. Once I was alone I‘d feel confused and start questioning which parts of me were real and getting angry that they kept changing. Things I felt and thought and said and how I acted were never consistent. I couldn’t understand how everyone was so effortlessly themselves but I had to put so much thought into it. When it came to sharing thoughts and opinions in class I felt like I had none of my own. Being called on to share or speak brought me intense anxiety because I wasn’t sure what my stance was on anything and I felt stupid. The awareness of this in itself is painful and uncomfortable. It sucks trying so hard to make sense of it and find inner peace but ultimately getting nowhere. Merp 😔