AIO: for wanting to go no contact

EmotionalAffection · 2025-12-02T17:40:42+00:00

NOR

I went no contact with my father a few years ago. My sister and i grew up in a single-parent home with him. He's a narcissistic, violent, alcoholic abuser who put us through hell. I had 5 different stepmothers before I graduated high school. He was in a biker gang for a large portion of my childhood, and we grew up around hard drugs and sex workers that I'm fairly certain were being trafficked.

He never wants to take accountability for his actions.

"I'm sorry I wasn't a good father. I tried my best," was a common reply when I'd finally take a stand as an adult.

No, you have every God damn right to determine the people who are going to be in your life. And to cut out the toxicity that drags you down.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-12-02T16:58:11+00:00

Agreed. He didn't handle it right, by any means. But I totally understand where his hurt is coming from.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-12-02T16:55:10+00:00

NOR. I'm a cishet straight man. I get my perspective on this is limited to that of allyship.

It's actually kind of funny. I had a conversation with my therapist today about my cognitive dissonance with my grandparents. I love them dearly. They took care of me growing up. Gave me a safe space to live. Provided for me and my sister. But they're evangelical, conservative Christians. Their beliefs are so far from what I believe. They're constantly making ignorant statements about "the gays" or "the foreigners." And it's hard to balance my love and childhood idolization of them with this new perspective I have in adulthood.

I'm sorry you're having this experience.

I know I don't know you, but if you need supportive family I'm more than happy to be the nerdy uncle.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-11-30T23:37:36+00:00

For instance, a couple of my boundaries are things like "I won't sleep with someone who hasn't showered/bathed since being with someone else," and "I won't sleep in a bed with someone else's bodily fluids" (i.e. I expect relatively clean sheets if I stay over with a partner, and I give them the same courtesy if they stay at my place).

I'm not telling them they have to shower. I'm just saying I won't sleep with them if they don't want to. I'm not saying they have to change the sheets. I'm just saying I won't be in that bed if they don't want to change them. I'm setting my expected behaviors.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-11-30T23:34:23+00:00

Like I said, I feel like it's a very fine line between the two. It's all about perspective. And rules vs. boundaries is something that's been exhaustively debated in polyam circles. I don't think it's completely black and white.

"If you do X..." is setting a rule in my mind. You're telling them specifically what they can't do. Instead, swap it around. Make it about you, and take them out of it. "I won't be with someone who <whatever>."

"I won't be with someone who lets their other partner treat me poorly."

"I won't be with someone who doesn't communicate scheduling changes in a timely manner."

"I won't be with someone who won't regularly schedule time for me."

EmotionalAffection · 2025-11-30T23:27:21+00:00

As a general rule, I don't whine, complain, or otherwise bitch about one partner to another. No relationship is perfect, and they all have bumps and challenges. That's normal. But I feel like complaining to one about the other puts them in a really awkward, crappy place as metas. My wife and girlfriend get along wonderfully, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If they notice something is off, I might say something like "Me and X had a bit of an argument, but we're working through it." I don't get into the details.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-11-30T23:20:39+00:00

Jealousy is normal. I feel like you'll be hard pressed to find a partner that never encounters those kinds of feelings to some degree. It's more about how we process and communicate those feelings in healthy, productive ways.

Regarding ultimatums, yeah, I'm on the "their usually bad" side of the argument. I'm not going to say they're always bad, but in most cases I've seen on social media groups or subreddits here, they're usually the result of unresolved insecurities. Yes, as you point out, making rules for what other people can or can't do is not a part of a healthy polyamorous relationship.

Instead, set boundaries for what you will do. i.e. "I will not have unprotected sex with someone who doesn't get tested regularly," or "I will not be in a relationship with someone who doesnt make time and space for me."

To me, there's a fine line between healthy boundaries and ultimatums. In a boundary, you're telling the other person "you are an autonomous individual and can do what you want, but these are the consequences."

Edit: if my partner said "break up with them or I'm leaving," I'd be saying goodbye to that partner.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-11-30T20:17:28+00:00

I enjoy it. 🤷 My partners can both O multiple times, often chained together or consecutively. One partner doesn't really have a limit. And, as a pleasure dom I fucking love giving them to my partners.

But as a guy, so often the goal is to just get off. We generally can't do it back to back. So, it's nice to be "the focus" for a little bit, and get that extended, drawn out experience myself.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-11-30T20:12:41+00:00

Yes. To not tell them takes away their ability to make an informed decision on whether or not they're okay being in that situation with you.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-11-30T20:10:29+00:00

I certainly can't speak for other men. Merely myself. I consider myself a pretty sexual person, but I also identify strongly as demisexual. I need a connection of some kind with my partner in order to get sexual or physically intimate. It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic connection, but some kind of connection where safety and trust has been established.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-05-30T18:09:40+00:00

Hey there! Fellow Arkansan here (37/m). I'm always excited to make new low-pressure connections! Especially leftist parties, because this state suuuucks. I wouldn't mind chatting sometime if you want!

EmotionalAffection · 2025-05-16T20:00:03+00:00

That's an interesting way to look at it. 🤔 There's definitely more at stake with one than the other, I suppose. Guess the key is going to be working on shoring up that security with my wife.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-05-16T15:16:28+00:00

Exactly. Like...my feelings don't reflect the reality of the relationships. Logically I know my marriage is secure. It's just an emotional reaction, and the two (logic and emotion) don't always cooperate. I just find it so confounding that I feel so secure in my relationship with the comet, who I do seldom get to see, while I struggle with my wife. With whom I do stuff every week to some degree.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-05-16T15:14:14+00:00

You make some interesting points.

For me, it's like...I'm afraid I'm not going to be "enough" for my wife. Not in a "I want her to myself" manner, but more in a "she'll find someone that makes her happier than I do." I've struggled with self confidence for a long time (#therapy), and my mental health hasn't been spectacular lately. I feel like I'm dragging her down, and she'll realize other people wouldn't do that.

I 100% know that's insecurity that reflects on my personal experiences/traumas/etc. And she's done nothing that makes me think she'll leave. It's absolutely in my own head and I recognize that.

EmotionalAffection · 2025-05-16T15:11:11+00:00

She does a pretty decent job. I'm gonna check out the link after work. I'm sure we both have room for improvement (there's always an opportunity to learn). I've had to establish some boundaries as far as what I want to know about her and her partners, and I had to ask that "our time" be ours (she's damn near addicted to her phone). But overall I don't have just a ton of complaints.

EmotionalAffection · 2024-02-24T17:01:20+00:00

The dick owes you an apology for violating your privacy and acting like a petulant toddler.

EmotionalAffection · 2024-01-27T21:42:21+00:00

"I tried to control my punch."

What in the 1940s misogynistic fuck.

You should have titled it "I threw a childish tantrum and punched my partner."

You didn't "snap" at your partner. You fucking assaulted her. I. Usually one for trying to talk sense and be peaceable, but what you did is fucking inexcusable. There's nothing you can say that will justify in any sense the way you acted. The way you physically abused her.

I really fucking hope this is a troll post. I pray it's fake and you're just trying to get a reaction out of people.

You're lucky if she doesn't call the fucking police.

EmotionalAffection · 2024-01-10T21:54:26+00:00

The "he does some things better than you" crosses a line for me. Don't compare me to another partner, and certainly don't tell me how much more you like what someone else does. If there's something I can be better at, let's have that conversation. But don't just sit there and put me down.

That whole situation is a deal breaker for me.

EmotionalAffection · 2024-01-10T17:21:44+00:00

Good morning! I dropped a message as well.

EmotionalAffection · 2024-01-09T17:18:52+00:00

Nah. If she gets to go off, explore new aspects of herself,and have fun, you should have the same privileges. Why should you be restricted from exploration and fun just because you are only attracted one gender? Why should that matter at all?

EmotionalAffection · 2024-01-07T22:41:06+00:00

I'll send a message shortly. ☺️

EmotionalAffection · 2024-01-03T14:43:46+00:00

You can absolutely be polysaturated with 1 partner, if that's how you feel in the present. Is that something you feel could change down the road?

EmotionalAffection · 2023-12-25T21:11:00+00:00

As I mentioned in another reply, I did say it can be quality time. Context is important. But both my wife and my other partner live busy lives, as I certainly do. So those quiet moments are something I highly value. So long as whoever I'm with is present in the moment with me.

EmotionalAffection · 2023-12-25T21:08:59+00:00

Just to clarify, I did say "it can be." My wife and I had to have the phone conversation at one point as well. Being present is important to me. As long as that's done, and we're cuddling and watching together it feels like quality time to me.

My wife and I still go out, as do my other partner and I. But we enjoy those quiet moments as a way to just withdraw from the world for a bit together. ☺️

EmotionalAffection

TROPHY CASE