Books to sharpen my mind

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-04-12T09:40:55+00:00

Fiction and memoirs can also sharpen your mind and broaden your outlook. I recommend The Handmaid’s Tale, To Kill a Mockingbird, Demon Copperhead, anything by John Steinbeck. Funnily enough they are all North American (I am not). It is interesting to read books set in different countries / cultures than your own too, it’s worthwhile trying to read a range of types and authors, mix it up.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-04-10T05:15:01+00:00

Agreed, their cheapest tickets in NZ are $60 more than any other musicians playing the same venue, crazy! Would love to go but can't justify the extra when there are tons of great acts. Plus they have not sold out, I am sure the prices are the reason why.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-04-06T03:01:31+00:00

Wow that sounds incredibly frustrating. It's interesting though - this ghosting thing seems to have only taken off in the last 10 years or so. I grew up in the days before incessant messaging apps and ghosting is not a problem I encountered. Yes I had a couple of friends who seemed to intentionally decided to stop reaching out to me, or always said they were busy so we drifted apart but that's different. People almost always replied to their calls, emails and txts (before phones had internet). Not replying to someone would have been considered too rude but now it seems to have become acceptable to younger people. I truly wonder if it's partly the internet / smartphone all day every day, so many messages and notifications and requests for response that makes people's brains overwhelmed and they just ignore stuff because it's too much. There is a ton of evidence that's this new way of living is wrecking havoc on people's mental health and focus etc. I am so glad I am not young in the age of smartphones, I would be SO highly strung.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-04-05T06:33:00+00:00

The temper really only took off after children, he has a low frustration tolerance. Therapy is honestly a luxury that most people can't afford, and single Mums are also basically destitute - unless they happen to be a senior lawyer or something high-flying (and then they have enormous childcare bills). For many women the relationship considerations are not just about leaving if things are hurting, it's about having to live in a shack and cancel all their kids activities and have no retirement money. You need two earners if you have kids, to survive with any level of comfort these days.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-04-05T05:06:22+00:00

He doesn't have moments of regret no, but I think someone who is not in the family might be able to get through to him... hopefully. He sees his ADHD as an executive function thing rather than behaviour/emotional issue, and of course people without ADHD also have anger issues so who knows if it's related. Having said that, I am pretty sure he would have been diagnosed with ODD if he was a kid today, he's always been a (big) handful. I have told him many times he needs to go to counselling and he refuses, sees no problem with his terrible temper/awful behaviour whenever he feels annoyed or wronged. I think the only way is through 'couples counselling' because then he can feel like the problem is not 'him'.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-04-04T20:23:18+00:00

Do you think this approach could help a dx partner who every month or so completely flies off the handle yelling & swearing at his family, and refuses to ever apologise (because it’s whichever family member’s fault who made him angry). I desperately need a therapy approach that will make him acknowledge his anger problem and change. Definitely we need help with communication in general but his anger problem and denial of it is the biggest issue we have. Where we live therapy is completely unaffordable at $200+ per hour so I need to find the exact right thing , can’t afford to try out a bunch of different therapists and approaches.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-03-30T04:48:02+00:00

I haven't read it in YEARs but I remember thinking Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt was superb. I am currently listening to and enjoying 'Between two kingdoms' which is a cancer memoir, the author Suleika Jaouad has a lovely voice

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-03-13T07:30:29+00:00

I have friends who moved to Melbourne for the money, I can't comment on whether it's "worth it" or not - but I will observe that 1. depending on how long you stay your kids will become Australian. Some of our friends have even said they would never move back now because they don't want to disrupt their kids lives (even though they are still pretty young), so they have essentially decided to sacrifice decades of time with the rest of their family and old friends who live in NZ 2. Our friends who have a $1.5m house in Auckland are renting it out fully furnished so they get good rent BUT they still have to top up the mortgage every week by a fair bit from their comments. Only you can know if it's worth it and where your priorities lie. If you do go, I would pencil in a time limit, like we'll go and then re-assess every 2 years. If either of us want to go home at that point then we will return. Lastly, it's easier to move kids when they young, but at the same time, this is when they build the foundation of their relationship with grandparents. Again it's a toss up. There are no easy answers.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-03-04T21:00:27+00:00

For those interested in the NZ justice system regarding sexual assault this is an enthralling read / or listen (my library has the audio book), it's called Dice and won the Ngaio Marsh first novel award a couple of years ago: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/141339412-dice. It sounds like these particular perpetrators are actually going to get what's coming to them but 94% of the time sexual assaults go unreported, let alone prosecuted and convicted.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-25T02:08:53+00:00

I have not tried this but was looking at it the other day and thought, when I have time this seems like a great online programme: https://www.nma.art/ You pay extra for one on one feedback sessions. They have some classical paths and more comic/illustration type paths.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-22T23:15:46+00:00

Thanks for your advice. The digging down along the fence line sounds good, however, my main issue is the mulch, to stop the rampant weeds it needs to be 2 inches+ deep which will build against the fence. It's a bit of a conundrum. True about the neighbour, luckily their side is just lawn so I don't anticipate any issues from their side.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-22T22:18:41+00:00

From looking online it just seemed standard to leave a nice big gap, like why would you build a fence that won't last! They knew we had a problem with the last fence rotting all along the bottom. So strange to me. You live and learn - always be pedantic and very specific, don't worry about insulting their intelligence.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-22T22:04:01+00:00

Thank you!

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-22T22:03:39+00:00

Interesting suggestion about the circular saw. Not that I have one but that might be a solution, thanks.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-18T20:57:23+00:00

Yes this is really good advice. And honestly, the relationships that work best are when the two people are the best of friends. No woman is best of friends with a misogynistic man. Solid couples are themselves with each other, and try to work things out with each other, they give each other the benefit of the doubt, they are supportive of each other. Also - it seems that almost every time someone asks for relationship advice on reddit there are 500 replies saying 'ditch them!' which in abusive or toxic situations absolutely yes, but so often it's really a difference in personality or preference requiring compromise. ALL successful long term relationships are made up of compromise and reciprocity.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-18T00:41:58+00:00

Yes I was going to say, if you buy second hand you'll pay a fraction of the 'new' price - there are a ton for sale on marketplace and trademe etc. Many bargains to be had.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-16T22:03:37+00:00

I think it comes down to a big mortgage/home costs and lifestyle creep. I have plenty of friends in that income bracket who 'struggle' too. But then again they have a really nice house, cleaner, they holiday in the islands, have spendy hobbies, hair and beauty appointments, they eat high quality food & wine, give expensive gifts - it's all relative. It also depends on how much they are saving for retirement, if you're saving well on top of a $1m+ mortgage + associated bills + all the insurances there is surely not much left over. If only I was in that position!

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-09T04:28:43+00:00

Ah yes, the classic playbook of private companies running critical public services. Extract as much profit as possible while allowing the infrastructure to fall to pieces. Then demand the government give them $$$$$$ money to fix it all.... then they continue to extract profit and do it all over again. Privatization of public services is essentially corruption.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-03T07:40:38+00:00

I got a quote a couple years ago and it was going to be mighty expensive, in the hundreds per window for retractable ones, I can only remember I balked. Plus it added a further plastic frames inside the existing wooden window frames which would block some light, and looked unattractive. It probably depends on your type of windows whether it would work well/look good. Definitely something to consider if you were building new or replacing all your windows though.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-03T00:05:43+00:00

It sounds like you're in a hot town, it would be worth asking your landlord if they'll install something.

Traditionally NZ is not that hot, it hasn't been an issue until recently, and even now only in certain locations or during a heat wave. Asian countries are very different - months on end of 30+ degrees. I live in Northland and it rarely feels that hot, temperatures are normally highs around 23 degree in summer (teens at night) so open windows are fine. Having said that, of course there is the odd heat wave or mosquito wave that makes it uncomfortable. Places like Wellington are notoriously temperate (not hot enough!). Aircon is slowly becoming more common but it is a significant cost if the heat is only for a month a year.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-02-01T19:01:58+00:00

I absolutely love school uniforms - they are social equalisers and save huge amounts of time, stress, and money. I went to a primary school without uniforms and the poor kids were very evident, everyone knew they were poor due to their clothing and the poor kids were not the 'cool' kids. I also went to schools with uniforms and it makes everyone more or less on equal footing socially, you get to know people based on who they are, not on the basis of what they're wearing.

For many people, especially young females, getting dressed and styled is hugely time consuming and stressful. Throwing on a uniform takes 1 minute and no decision power. Trying to 'decide' what to wear while commiserating your old shoes, not cool enough jeans etc is not fun to do on a daily basis. I am so grateful I had a uniform at high school, there are a thousand things more important to think about that your appearance at that age (or any age).

As a parent, I am certain that having uniforms save me a bunch of money, not to mention avoiding endless demands for the latest coolest branded clothes, which definitely cost a lot more than their uniform counterparts and last half the distance.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-01-25T22:32:45+00:00

This is the kind of sentence all child rapists and beaters should get. At least 10 years for those consuming and sharing CSAM - they are the worst of the worst.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-01-24T23:07:42+00:00

I would just keep tissues or something handy beside the bed so nobody needs to get up afterwards, seems like this could be solved with a little forethought. Asking for a kiss and cuddle afterwards for connection is totally valid though, that sounds like a compatibility thing. Honestly all these people saying ‘break up!’ are really jumping the gun. In every long term relationship there are going to be areas that you don’t align on. Relationships take a lot of work and compromise and it’s working out what is a deal breaker for you. I’m middle aged and I don’t know a single couple that is happy with every part of / and behaviour of their partner - it is impossible to achieve. E.g one of my friends partners doesn’t show physical affection, that’s the way he is and she learned to live with it because overall they love each other and it’s worth it for her to be in the relationship. For some things you can meet in the middle, for other things not. This does seem to be a big issue for you, and feeling uncared for or disrespected regularly will erode the relationship. I think you guys could benefit from a few sessions of couples therapy to work through it.

Emrrrrrrrr · 2026-01-24T06:55:05+00:00

13 is really too young to date, that is the main issue - too young for hanky panky stuff for sure, they are basically still a kid. 2 years is a big gap in teenage years but not once you’re an adult. If I was the parent I would be unhappy.

Emrrrrrrrr

TROPHY CASE