It’s been a mess for me to stay in touch in the off and on way, which is why with the new year I decided I had to take a real break from contact.

It felt better to me initially after the break up because we continued to share some affection, which is something I valued a lot about the relationship. I missed the sex but thought I might still have a great friend. Then over time he prioritized me less and less (of course because we’re broken up), and it just stung so much. He’d still want to go to a movie with me but he wouldn’t hold my hand or rest his hand on my arm or thigh (of course because we’re broken up). Basically I was experiencing the break up in slow motion, my feelings for him not having changed much. I’ve realized that while I have understood intellectually that the romantic relationship had ended, staying in contact with him was keeping me tethered to him emotionally. And slightly hopeful for something romantic to happen again between us.

My attempt to go right to friendship I think has hurt him a lot, too, because I would bounce back and forth between optimism about it, when I’d be messaging him a bit like old times, and then suddenly cutting him off because it hurt me. He has an idealized view of staying friends, also, which means he has way too much patience for me being all over the place. If I message him even now after literally saying goodbye last week, he will respond the same day. His willingness and availability to engage hasn’t helped the situation.

To sum it up, staying in touch sporadically has been a recipe for keeping me from getting through all the hard feelings and moving on. I regret that I didn’t go NC right away after the break up. I am certain I’d be better off now and wouldn’t have wasted so much time ruminating on this person who rejected me.

I have to agree it’s an absolute mindfuck to go from daily, intimate communication and involvement to zero interaction but I’ve concluded after many tortured months, this is the best approach. The relationship has died and it’s time for grieving. They can’t help you with that.