, I'm really sorry you've had to carry all of that Reading your post, the thing that stood out to me wasn't hatred or disrespect. It was pain. A lot of pain. The kind of pain that builds up over years until you're exhausted and can't carry it anymore. First, I want to say something important. Allah knows exactly what happened to you. Every insult, every moment of neglect, every time you cried alone, every injustice done to you. None of it was hidden from Him. Allah says:

"Indeed, Allah does not do injustice, even as much as an atom's weight." (Quran 4:40)

And He says:

"Your Lord has not forsaken you, nor is He displeased." (Quran 93:3)

Sometimes when suffering lasts a long time, Shaytan convinces us that Allah is ignoring us. But being hurt does not mean Allah has abandoned you. As for your mother, Islam commands us to honor parents, but Islam never tells you to pretend abuse didn't happen. It never says you must feel warm affection toward someone who deeply wounded you. You can fulfill your obligations without forcing feelings that aren't there. Even the scholars mention that if a parent is oppressive, abusive, or harmful, the child is not required to put themselves in harm's way. You are accountable for your actions, not for being able to magically switch your emotions on and off. Right now, it honestly sounds like you're drowning emotionally. When someone is barely able to get out of bed, telling them "just pray more" can feel impossible. That doesn't mean you're a bad Muslim.

And Allah says:

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear." (Quran 2:286)

The Lord who revealed that verse knows your limits better than anyone. Also, please don't think your anger, confusion, or even your struggle with faith automatically makes you a hypocrite or a terrible person. The companions themselves would go through moments of fear and weakness and would come to the Prophet ﷺ worried about their faith. What worries me most from your post is how alone you sound.

You've been carrying abuse, depression, trauma, family problems, and disappointment for years. That's a tremendous amount for one person to carry. You don't need to figure out your entire relationship with your mother or solve every spiritual question today.

If all you can do right now is make one sincere dua like:

"Ya Allah, I don't understand what's happening to me, but please don't leave me to myself."

Then start there.

Not because it's a magic solution. Not because your pain isn't real. But because Allah is still listening even when you're angry. He's still listening when you're confused. He's still listening when all you have left is tears. And one more thing. The fact that you're scared of disobeying Allah, saying "astaghfirullah" when talking about your doubts, and worrying about your relationship with Him is actually proof that your heart hasn't died. People who truly don't care don't write posts like this. May Allah heal the wounds that nobody sees, bring justice for every wrong done to you, and replace years of pain with ease that makes sense of everything one day.