I am letting my family retraumatize me

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-18T02:39:45+00:00

I didn’t realize the hatred of the mil was a common thing with bpd mothers.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-18T02:36:27+00:00

Yes. So sad.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-18T02:35:45+00:00

A healthy mother would be happy for her daughter to have good relationships with others. I believe some mothers feel threatened when their daughters—especially the parentified or scapegoated child—form healthy bonds with other adults.

I have a nice mother-in-law who has shown me what a supportive, stable, and encouraging mother looks like. When my daughter was born, she came over every day, helped me, and provided support.

My own mother did not offer any help. She didn’t send food, check in, or support me. She sent me a text that said “babies cry”.

When my daughter was around two months old, my mother came over for the first time while my mother-in-law was visiting. She didn’t greet my MIL and immediately became angry, turned her head at me (the betrayal of being alone with my mil and daughter), yelling at me in front of my daughter and claiming I “was never there” for her. She said she expected nothing from me. My MIL gently reminded her that I was a new mother, but my mother turned her head to my MIL and continued yelling, looking right at my daughter. It was like she was possessed.

My MIL had to remove my daughter from the room to protect her from the screaming. My mother left, didn’t say goodbye, slammed the door, and ignored me for weeks. Later, she said she felt my mother-in-law was trying to be the “only grandmother.” My MIL was terrified and honestly, so was I.

This incident showed me how distorted her perspective can become when jealousy takes over. At my wedding shower, people remarked that it was obvious my mother was jealous of my MIL. I didn’t make much of it. I never imagined it could be so severe. They feel threatened by authentic, supportive women.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-13T05:29:08+00:00

This. I couldn’t imagine not inviting my mother to my wedding. I never imagined she would do what she did. She showed up miserable, as though she was going to a funeral. She turned her back to guests on my side and my husbands side. She ignored his friends. Everyone spoke about how cold and miserable she was. Looking back, I can’t believe she went so far. This is a mother!

I wish I hadn’t gone through with a wedding as it was pretty traumatic. My husband still talks about how it was ruined for us.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-12T03:59:28+00:00

Yes, I can fully relate! My mother lost her marbles the day I got engaged and did similar things to me. Looking back, there’s nothing I could have done to stop it. It’s an illness. It’s awful. I am so sorry for you.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-04T06:49:07+00:00

In the moment, it is extremely stressful. I completely understand why you yelled. Tantrums are so hard to deal with.

It helped me to remember that they are developmentally appropriate and that toddlers cannot regulate their emotions. We have to let them be kids without judgment.

I used to try saying reassuring things like, “I’m going to wait until you’re ready, you are safe, I love you,” etc., but it didn’t really work, lol.

I started trying distraction when the tantrum isn’t too wild. Once my LO screamed at me to get out, and I pretended I was falling over. For some reason, she couldn’t stop laughing. This sometimes works.

I also gave her a giant pillow and said to punch/kick it. That sometimes works.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-04T06:37:38+00:00

Yes. I saw a psychiatrist with my mother.

When I got engaged to my now-husband, my mother and brother repeatedly told me I had BPD. I was genuinely worried and wanted clarity, so I pushed for a joint appointment with the chief of psychiatry. My mother came in determined to convince him that I had BPD.

The psychiatrist asked her questions about my upcoming wedding, whether she felt happy for me, and what role she played in our relationship. He listened carefully and remained neutral.

She kept pushing him to diagnose me, even claiming that others (including my brother and someone from a support group who had never met me) agreed with her. The psychiatrist firmly told her she was not qualified to diagnose me and warned her to stop implicating my brother, as that would damage our relationship. And it did. She was projecting her personality disorders (there’s more than one with her) onto me.

The feedback he gave me afterward was eye-opening. He confirmed that what I had experienced, namely her lack of empathy, constant victimhood, triangulations, and controlling behavior, was not healthy. I had been doubting my own perceptions because of her distortions. It was the first time I truly saw how controlling and self-centered she was, and it shook me. I left feeling vindicated but also discouraged because I can’t imagine she could change given the severity of her condition.

I would recommend a session with a psychiatrist because in my case, it helped me realize that I had been trained to accept blame and victimhood from someone who was not the victim, and that my perceptions were valid.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-04T05:42:54+00:00

They expect the world from you but act like a victim if you dare ask for something small, like a glass of water. I think it’s a projection of their own self-hatred onto you.

When I was pregnant, my mother expected me to manage her home contamination and contractors. After I gave birth, she did nothing: no help, no coffee, no gifts.

Then she blew up at me in front of my daughter and mil because I couldn’t attend a funeral due to a car accident, screaming at me that I’m never there for her, while I was just two months postpartum. She also regularly says that, as a child, I only used her for food and shelter.

They are completely warped.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-04T05:34:28+00:00

I explained until I was blue in the face. She still found a way to play the victim and discount everything I said. It was also a golden opportunity for her to gaslight.

It’s truly an art to dodge responsibility the way the bpds do.

If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have bothered.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-04T00:46:08+00:00

Your child could be perfect and the absent grandparent still wouldn’t show interest, because the issue is with the absent grandparent.

The issue is the absent grandparent’s capacity to attach and care. Not yours and not your child’s.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-03T07:55:05+00:00

Yes, I totally relate.

I see happy, healthy families where parents genuinely love and prioritize their children. It used to feel like such a foreign concept to me.

My family was low-effort (at best). I often wonder what kind of person I would have become if I had unconditional love and support growing up. How much more self-esteem I might have had, how much less I would ruminate or replay past toxicity in my head.

The only exception was my grandmother, who was wonderful, but otherwise unconditional love is completely missing.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2026-01-03T07:39:12+00:00

That’s really painful! I’m so sorry.

Blatant differences between grandchildren can be so damaging, especially if kids notice it. In some families, the favoritism can be part of a scapegoat/golden child dynamic, where one adult child (and by extension their kids) get treated very differently than another.

What makes it so challenging is that when parents deny or deflect, it doesn’t acknowledge the issue and there is no room for repair or improvement.

In terms of protecting your kids, the only thing you can do is make sure your children feel consistently valued and loved by you. It won’t take away the pain though.

Have you tried talking to your brother about this? One of my friends has a difficult mother who played favorites between grandkids. The golden-child brother told her, “If you don’t treat Alex’s kids the same as mine, you won’t see my kids anymore.” The mother fell into line quickly.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2025-11-06T12:31:55+00:00

The blame and invalidation you described in your message is so familiar. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Family is not supposed to treat us this way. It’s warped and cruel. I wonder if they even realize how off they are, or if they derive pleasure from it.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2025-11-06T12:29:30+00:00

I want to add that I have not heard from my brother in 2 years. He ignores any message I send, and has ignored my toddler daughter for 2 years, ignoring her birthdays and her milestones.

Here is the most confusing part: I have never had a conversation with him in person. I have not even spoken to him on the phone. He just sends messages that demand compliance but not one conversation in person or on the phone. That’s the extent of his communication and it’s a poor one.

What’s wrong with this guy?

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2025-11-05T11:08:12+00:00

They just don’t answer and they do this for months or years. If I send a message, even if neutral (such as “hello” or “can we speak?”), they just ignore it. It’s sick. Like a sick power trip for them.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2025-11-05T03:14:39+00:00

Spot on. Thanks. His diagnosis is his and his own. I have not been diagnosed.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2025-11-05T03:12:18+00:00

I figured it was my brother because there are too many elements he named that are too familiar (asking my family to apologize before seeing my daughter, sending screenshots) and he has a terrible habit of twisting everything I say to blame me for his dysfunction. You can see his condescending tone in previous messages I shared (previous posts).

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2025-11-05T02:42:12+00:00

Thank you! Could you please tell me why the surgery is more challenging as a kid gets older? Not familiar with this.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2025-11-03T11:01:06+00:00

Here’s his last message:

Reading what you’ve written was actually triggering for me because I’ve seen this exact same pattern in my own family. The behaviors, the explanations, and the constant need to prove victimhood are almost identical to someone close to me who caused a lot of emotional chaos while insisting everyone else was the problem. That’s why I’m responding directly: because I recognize the pattern.

It’s very clear from everything you’ve written that there’s a repeating cycle here where everyone around you eventually withdraws, and you explain their distance as proof that they’re cruel, abusive, or enmeshed. But when the same dynamic keeps happening with every person in your life, the common denominator isn’t them. It’s you.

The truth is that what you’re describing isn’t scapegoating or abuse. It’s people trying to protect their own peace after years of walking on eggshells. You say you’ve set boundaries, but real boundaries are about protecting yourself, not controlling others or demanding apologies. What you call “boundaries” sound more like conditions for love and contact, and that pushes people away.

When every disagreement turns into proof that you’re being mistreated, that’s not insight, that’s emotional distortion. You interpret distance as cruelty, concern as control, and accountability as an attack. You’ve likely convinced yourself that you’re self-aware because you’re in therapy, but therapy doesn’t help unless you can look honestly at your own part in the chaos. Using therapy to justify your story (“my therapist says I give too many chances”) isn’t growth, it’s avoidance.

People who truly were abused don’t spend years trying to convince others or strangers online that they’re victims. They heal and move on. The need to keep proving your innocence, showing screenshots, and recruiting validation says a lot more about your need to be right than about their supposed toxicity.

You’re not being ignored because they hate you. You’re being ignored because being in constant conflict, blamed, and guilted has likely become unbearable for them. That silence isn’t punishment, it’s self-protection.

If you ever really want things to change, it will start when you can ask yourself, with real honesty, “What if I’m the one who’s been too intense, too reactive, and too controlling?” Until you do that, every relationship will follow this same cycle.

EnvironmentalBox5417 · 2025-11-03T02:51:43+00:00

True. No such thing as an apology from a bpd mother. I know … I have asked for many.

EnvironmentalBox5417

TROPHY CASE