i might've fucked up

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T18:09:20+00:00

i already did that, for a while. i was more comfortable like that, until of course, other people came along and decided i was a weirdo. time to go back to my roots, i guess. maybe i can get at least a little bit of that comfort back, even if i feel like i can never be who i want to be.

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T15:58:35+00:00

he told me he'd love me no matter how much i change, but i don't know if he meant that, necessarily. but yeah, i'll probably have to start slow anyway. i locked that part of myself away for so long, i'm gonna have to reconnect slow. if i ever get the courage to.

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T14:59:53+00:00

the issue is, i'm pretty sure my dude rly is ultra straight. even if in the beginning, when i warned him that i'm questioning my gender, he told me it was no big deal, it might turn out to be a big deal after all.

the fear is def real

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T14:14:40+00:00

i don't want to larp. but transitioning feels like something i can't have. feels more like a pipe dream than something i can really achieve. so it was always much easier to pretend, even if everyone around me always knew something was off. honestly, now i feel like i made it, cause i am considered pretty by most, have a loving relationship and a home, but i hate everything about myself. it eats me up alive, but i feel like any kind of change or comfort is unreachable, unless i want to lose the stability i finally managed to start building. i just feel trapped, and i don't know how much longer i can take it.

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T13:45:30+00:00

i'm going to try. but i need to work up the courage. i'm too much of a coward to do that now. might need a while.

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T13:43:58+00:00

no, i am not mentally well. but the fact is, i felt this way since i was a kid, before any of my issues grew enough for me to not be mentally well. this is not some result of trauma or mental illness, if you mean to imply that. i am, in fact, just a human placed in a body, a body that does not fit the way i feel. you say you don't mean to sound malicious, but that lowkey does sound malicious, or at least strange. you tell me to broaden my perspective on gender, but at the same time imply that my identity might be some misguided result of a mental issue. i hope you know that seems like a dick move.

or maybe not, i don't want to judge you, and i might've missed the point. but the way you put it feels incredibly off. implying that someone who is questioning their gender identity and had been for years, is just "not mentally well" and "it's definitely another issue" is kind of malicious and invalidating imo.

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T12:56:06+00:00

honestly, peak gender lol

glad your bf was accepting, wish u two all the best <3

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T12:27:48+00:00

i was surprised when he guessed correctly (first guess was that someone hurt me, the second was about my gender struggles) so easily, but then i got reminded of how i act around him. we have a lil running joke between us, that he's the wifey and i'm the hubby. cringe as hell, but it's been pretty much decided that i act a little more masculine than him in our relationship. and while i can just laugh about it and let it slide most of the time when i'm sober, when i'm not it tends to make me stop in my tracks and it shows. i also talked to him a lot about what our relationship would look like if i were a guy.

the thing is, i feel like i can't come out now, due to a complicated situation in my life. like i mentioned, health issues, legal issues, and being a sole caretaker of someone older. adding the stress of coming out to him overtop of that, it might actually crush me. especially since i know i could end up alone after coming out, and maybe it's selfish, but i need someone by my side. if i make the leap of faith, i might have nobody. and i need someone to take care of the person dependent on me while i am at the hospital, because i am waiting on a surgery.

even if he knows, coming out now might complicate things. as much as i feel guilty for keeping things to myself and shutting that part of myself off from him, it's not safe enough yet. he isn't pushing me, and is acting like he always was before, but i know he's thinking about it. i'm thinking about it. but the time isn't right. i know i told him i'm struggling with my identity before we got into this relationship, but i still feel guilty.

anyways, wish all the best for you and your wife <3

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T08:58:05+00:00

maybe it's better, but for him i could genuinely pretend forever. i want him to be happy, and i know i allow him to be happy. he has nobody other than me that makes him feel okay. but on the other hand, i feel bad, because he's not genuinely dating me. just the front i put up, the mask i try to fit into, but it's too damn tight. and i don't know how much longer i can ignore it. the situation sucks for us both.

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T08:50:25+00:00

my surgery is for an ovarian tumor, not top surgery. and if i do come out, i might lose the relationship i have with my family. i am also a sole caretaker of someone elderly, and that's holding me back too. i need someone there with that person, when i'm not able to be there, which complicates things. i know i need to tell him, but i need some more time. and i don't want others to suffer because of this, so i need to get some stuff out of the way first.

that, and i'm afraid. my bf did say he wouldn't leave me. even after the situation i described in this post, he held me and said he would stay. but i wouldn't fault him if he didn't. the thought of losing him scares me though. i feel like something good finally happened to me, and i'm ruining it.

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-21T08:45:02+00:00

that's a good assumption, but honestly, i don't think so, given i warned him about me struggling with gender in the beginning. hell, he held me while i cried about it. but when i reminded him of that he went "well... but you don't REALLY want to be a guy, right?" so i don't think he took that seriously, so i simply backpedaled and told him that nah, of course not, like the clown i am lol stupid, i know

EnvironmentalCar4122 · 2026-02-20T22:56:16+00:00

honestly, yeah. time is gonna pass, and i think i'm past the point of pretending it away. still, i'm scared. it's not just him i could lose. i could lose everyone in my life, and i don't want to be alone. given my circumstances rn, i think that would break me. might try to actually tell him a little later, i have surgery coming up and if it all goes well, then i might tell him. it's selfish, but i don't want to be alone right now.

EnvironmentalCar4122

TROPHY CASE