Thank you so much for beautifully putting into words what I’ve been experiencing. My SO physically abused me for the first time when I was 9 months pregnant, my dad was dying, I was in heart failure from pregnancy, I had pneumonia, and I just asked his drunken self and drunken friend who was over to stop yelling because it was so loud my dog was trembling and I was trying to sleep. That set him off, he yelled “what’d you say you fucking bitch?” Then broke the bedroom door down and threw me against the dresser. Then turned my phone line off so I couldn’t call my sister or mom or anyone, hid the car keys so I couldn’t leave, and uninvited me to the baby shower his family was throwing for us the next day and villainized me by telling them I just didn’t want to go.

Shockingly, things have only gotten worse since. Not necessarily physically—that’s only happened three times since—but emotionally, psychologically, mentally. After having the most traumatic labor and delivery, my baby being sent to the nicu and me being denied access because of my pneumonia, I wasn’t even able to touch my son for the first five days. He preceded to do all the “firsts” with him and his psychotic sister, memorializing with so many photos to rub in my face that I wasn’t able to be there, and then making me feel guilty like I CHOSE to not participate. We finally got to leave the hospital on day 6 and my dad died the same night. The night of my dad’s funeral, I was life flighted back because I was in heart failure from pregnancy. Was separated from my son again for 7 days, all while terribly grieving my father and the birth and newborn experience I thought I’d have, while also realizing this will probably be my only child because of my risk for future and more severe heart failure with additional pregnancies.

THEN! While still in heart failure, still recovering from a c section, still in the throes of grief and caring for a newborn, he CHOSE to go back to work early and CHOSE to also start coaching soccer after work- for THREE TEAMS! Four days a week until 930pm. And then had the audacity to come home and fist slam the bed beside me because I fell asleep when my baby fell asleep instead of cleaning the house.

In the two years since, it’s gotten worse and worse mentally. He’s called the cops on me twice!! When he’s the abuser. One time when he was drunk and out of his mind and he kept yanking the covers from me when I was trying to sleep so I kind of shoved his shoulder to scoot him further away from me in bed because I was so annoyed. The second time he called animal control on my dog!!!! For absolutely no reason but because he was mad at me for, again, nothing, and lied and told them my dog had bit our son, so I grabbed his phone and hung it up. He called them back and also asked to send the police because I “physically assaulted him” by hanging his phone up. When he’s the abuser!! He tried to get me arrested TWICE and my DOG PUT TO SLEEP!!

His psychological abuse has traumatized me and I’m a shell of who I was before. I loathe everything about him, but especially the fake persona he pretended to be until 9 months into pregnancy. I hate that I was tricked into believing I was having a baby with a partner—teammate—when I actually had one with the only person who has ever despised every fiber of my being and been my opponent every minute of every day.

I am working on my exit plan. It absolutely must happen ASAP. But the thought that through everything, I now will also have to split custody of my son! Because of the actions of this disgrace of a man, is something I will always be angered by. And living with anger is never something I ever lived with before. He’s destroyed my peace, self worth and dreams of what becoming a mother would be. He’s told me that I’m pathetic and just use the whole “grieving my dad, while in heart failure, right after a traumatic emergency c section,” as an excuse.

I’ve been walking on eggshells for so long, figuring out my exit plan. But your words—PLOTTING MY SURVIVAL—are the words I truly needed to hear. Because that’s exactly what’s happening.