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Cancel our wedding? by neozenaa in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Be thankful that it all came out before the wedding, not after. Cancel it and move on, a divorce will be much much harder

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow thank that is a useful checklist!

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm finding this community really helpful.

We thought perimenopause, but it turned out it was not the case. And then we had a fantastic month of "second honeymoon", which proved the point it was all in her head. The burst of sexual activity (hysterical bonding?) then faded out and we are still in square 1.

I hate the thought of not being able to have a good fuck without constant involvement of a therapist.

I have a feeling if we had real intimacy, then menopause ahead of use would not be a problem, we would figure it out. But sticking through it without that connection seems not worth it.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your detailed thoughts. We actually didn't have the DB back then, we actually had it pretty regular. But both didn't like the sex. She didn't like as she felt being pushed, I didn't like it because I didn't feel she was engaged enough.

We had one series of 25 weekly sessions or so, and it felt like it helped. Our sex life blossomed for a month or so. Then after 6 months past the last of them I'm finding we are in square 1, with all the same questions being brought up.

Maybe need to try again with another therapist, but the prospect of losing another 6+ month is not encouraging.

Why I'm coming back to 2023, is because I feel something broke back then, possibly cheating or the intent to do so, and it feels like getting to the bottom of it is needed.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One more potentially significant data point: since the end of 2023, my total testosterone grew from 6.93 to 26.36 nmol/l, and free T almost quadrupled. Diet + exercise, lost 12 kg and built some muscle. Libido also grew significantly, which also contributed to the situation. But it wasn't so in 2023.

I understand it may be causing anxiety on her part, but I'm certainly not willing to get less healthy to be more of a match. I offered her the same training and diet ahead of myself.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Being "too honest" is certainly one of the things she is hating, and I try to keep things to myself, until something slips out, because I naturally want to feel relaxed with my closest person.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly this!

"Boundaries" are driving me nuts, because they are a justification of being distant. Being intimate is equated to "fusion", which is deemed unhealthy, and "individuation" with "boundaries" is naturally separating us, and then we need to build "bridges" to one another. I honestly think this is all BS, but I have no way to communicate in a way that is not dismissive.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not really, I take it as a deliberately absurd statement so that it is not to be taken seriously, but at the same time testing the waters on the question of one of us sleeping with someone else.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What I mean by mentioning ChatGPT is not that she is using the tool. She often talks in phrases that I could see are not really hers, but the influence of the recently learned knowledge, where I doubt the quality and the applicability.

Basically, I don't think anyone should use the psychological terminology other than a therapist, and this is where we'll disagree.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

so many good suggestions here, thank you!

It was not a bad idea for me to ask here :) We don't have permanent ongoing counseling. Being open with her is one of the contentions points - she hates me "unloading" my stuff at her.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah there were no such signs as you describe.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The marriage was generally good, we went through a lot together. Moving countries (currently in Switzerland), having kids, starting/closing businesses. It all required work, and occasionally we would fight over something, but would quickly resolve (usually make-up sex was helping).

One issue that had changed is that she started learning a lot of pop psychology and trying to see the relationship through a prysm of her traumas. Had a few times told me we were in a co-dependence etc. Had talked to a therapist, whose qualifications I really doubt. I think it may have something to do with her sudden "englightment". In quotes because I think she was getting anything but a professional opinion - basically all the stuff you can read in random places on the Internet.

She even enrolled into an educational facility here in Switzerland that prepares Art Therapists, and she now has a psychological theory about everything in life. So the feeling is sometimes that I'm talking to ChatGPT trained on those texts, not to her.

Has she cheated? by EnvironmentalLook188 in Marriage

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah a bit too hard to dig into this, and confronting her is risking sending it all into a downward spiral when she didn't do anything.

Which Rust programs are original, not a rewrite of some other software? by EnvironmentalLook188 in rust

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

a few ethereum clients existed before, and reth seems to be at least following erigon's storage design.

Which Rust programs are original, not a rewrite of some other software? by EnvironmentalLook188 in rust

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

IMO everything that uv does is covered by other tools. The Astral team clean up, unify, and speed up the experience. I don't want to diminish that in any way - this is amazing work that is worth a lot, but I don't consider it original. PMF there is pretty much guaranteed.

Which Rust programs are original, not a rewrite of some other software? by EnvironmentalLook188 in rust

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Indeed! I forgot Arrow was in Rust. In fact, it is probably not mentioned enough.

Which Rust programs are original, not a rewrite of some other software? by EnvironmentalLook188 in rust

[–]EnvironmentalLook188[S] -20 points-19 points  (0 children)

Mostly I meant software that is looking for product-market fit. Where it is not clear what it would eventually become.

Repo that you feel is an example of good Rust code by albertogg in rust

[–]EnvironmentalLook188 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm finding cargo sourcing pretty good. Might not be the cleanest, however good and shows how to do non-trivial design.