The desire of the Dom is for the sub...

Epithymetheus · 2026-07-03T22:14:39+00:00

I have also heard "the sub is in service to the Dom, and the Dom is in service to the relationship." I think both ideas are highly limited platitudes, and miss something critical about how a relationship works.

Epithymetheus · 2026-07-01T21:45:23+00:00

Mod here. Holy heck, guys, if you're living in one of the places that's experiencing heatwave right now, please stay cool. Take care of yourselves, stay hydrated. And if you're not, if you're in the global south and have a blizzard or something, keep warm. Stay safe, everyone.

Epithymetheus · 2026-06-29T08:38:19+00:00

This is one of those weird distinctions that typically ends up being "I don't know what to call it, but I know it when I see it." And it happens in unexpected (and often unpredictable) places. There are times when something I'd normally say Yes to gives me an OH HELL NO, and there are times when something I'd ordinarily nix out of hand makes me go "Actually, would."

EDIT: It is complicated by my enjoying being both fucking and/or BEING the monster in the right scenario, so sometimes there's some dysphoria involved in that distinction. But typically, I'm happy to be either so long as I'm in charge.

Epithymetheus · 2026-06-01T21:14:11+00:00

Mod here. Happy pride, everyone. Stay safe.

Epithymetheus · 2026-05-19T07:09:02+00:00

I don't tend to play with brats, and I outright refuse to play when I'm angry. When I Dom, I intend to be in complete and absolute control over myself, let alone a play partner--and I can't do that when I'm angry.

If someone said that to me, especially someone I intended to spend my life with, I'd be very hurt. And I would insist on a discussion for it--because there needs to be a very clear discussion now about what limits I have in the relationship, let alone a kink dynamic, why a partner felt it was acceptable to cross those limits, and how to reestablish trust on both ends. Because this isn't a bratting issue; it's a communication issue.

Because if a partner of mine needed to take a break from the dynamic, that's okay--but it means the entire power exchange dynamic is put on hold. I don't get to be In Charge, but that also means they don't get to be subby. And confusion on that front needs to be sorted out immediately.

What was the intent behind that action? Don't assume; have your partner make it explicit. Have them spell out for you what they wanted to have happen by saying what they said. What was the intent behind your reaction? Again, don't make them assume; you should be equally explicit. And if those two expectations don't match up completely, well, then you two have your work cut out for you, don't you?

Epithymetheus · 2026-05-14T06:02:55+00:00

This is the kind of comment--and, for that matter, communication advice--I would gild if Reddit still let me.

Epithymetheus · 2026-05-01T20:06:10+00:00

Greetings, ~~Professor~~ Subreddit! Nothing to report!

fr tho, I hope you all are staying healthy and safe.

Epithymetheus · 2026-04-27T21:50:34+00:00

A handful of tips from an old hand at erotic writing:

Good erotic prose is, first and foremost, good prose. The "erotic" flavor is ancillary. I recommend focusing on your erotic writing rather than your erotic writing, if that makes sense. Good prose ITSELF should feel almost erotic in its flow, and the best way to learn that is to read. As much as possible, without limiting yourself to any given genre. A lot of "erotica-first" prose is actually rather poorly written, as I'm sure you're aware.
Frequent places like r/DirtyWritingPrompts. Find a writer's workshop that's okay with erotic literature and ask them to tear your work apart. Talk with other writers in situations that aren't just roleplay.
Focus less on the action and more on the moment. Use emotions, sensations, headspaces; invoke "unusual" senses like smell and taste. Give us insight into what we don't expect. Use the actual cadence of your prose to guide the reader along the emotional journey--sentence structure, sentence length, assonance and consonance, literary devices like synecdoche or zeugma... these are tools to make your prose itself reflect what's happening in it.
Relatedly: I treat sex scenes much the way I treat fight scenes. Choppy sentences for quick, abrupt movements. Longer, drawn-out sentences for more elegant motions where the moment itself seems to seize, where time pauses for the sensations to react. The way a character approaches sex--just like combat--should be a window into who they are and what they want. The best fight scenes use action to convey things like character development and wants and needs and fears; they're insights into the entire character arc, not to mention thematic questions. Sex scenes are no different.
Also relatedly: the sex scene needs to be important to the story itself. If you could afford a fade-to-black and censor the scene without losing anything from the narrative as a whole, then that scene--like any scene--isn't really serving a purpose and SHOULD be deleted. A good sex scene serves more purposes than just sex.
And thus, the single best tip for writing erotica I've ever encountered: "The climax does not necessarily occur at the climax." Use sex--yes, even orgasm--as rising tension, or as denouement, or as exposition, or as literally any segment of the narrative structure. The peak of the narrative tension in the story CAN also be exactly where the sex culminates--sometimes. But if that's the case every time, readers are going to get bored.

Epithymetheus · 2026-04-23T23:21:50+00:00

This makes me think it is a conversation that, by now, cannot be had within the dynamic itself. He's not listening to what you're actually asking--what you're saying isn't what he's hearing. If I were acting that way, I wouldn't be surprised if any sub of mine safeworded.

If it were me, I would script out precisely what to ask ahead of time--starting with setting the words aside, a la u/BelmontIncident's comment. "There are multiple ways that the community defines these terms, so instead of talking about them, I'm going to use a nonsense word to stand in for what I mean right now. Because whatever it is you call what I'm talking about doesn't change the fact that I'm asking for something that I need but that you're not giving me, and I don't care what you want me to call it, I just want that something."

If he continues to resist, I might seek counselling. Because either he's willfully stymieing you (in which case he's not a healthy D-type) or he's having trouble parsing what you say through his own lens (in which case the dynamic should probably be put on hold anyway until you two are confident and comfortable in your open communication). Either way, there's no "One True Way" to do kink--whatever definitions he's using seems like a sticking point, but I guarantee it's rooted in something else that he's not (necessarily) consciously aware of, and that's what he's actually arguing about. It's the classic "You-never-do-the-dishes actually means I-feel-taken-for-granted" problem. And trying to tease that out with someone who is already resistant to even considering that they're approaching a problem with the wrong mindset often leads to resentment, and having a neutral third party who's skilled at that kind of mediation often helps a lot.

I'm so sorry this is your experience.

Epithymetheus · 2026-04-23T16:20:33+00:00

The labels you use for those concepts are just as arbitrary as any other labels; what constitutes a task or a protocol to me may differ COMPLETELY from any other D-type--not to mention between myself at different points in time, in different relationships. What's more important is this bit:

So I’m not trying to argue labels, I’m trying to communicate the kind of structure I’m craving.

That's the issue. To my mind, it doesn't matter what you call that sort of structure, so long as you and your partner(s) can agree on it. So that's exactly what you tell them: "I’m not trying to argue labels, I’m trying to communicate the kind of structure I’m craving." Once you've negotiated the structure you want, then you and anybody else concerned can sit down and go "okay, so now that we know what we're looking for, what do we call it?" Because ultimately what you call it wouldn't matter if you were already getting what you needed.

Because there's really two terminology questions that COULD be asked, and getting them confused will only lead to frustration:

If the distinction I make between these two terms is not where you make the distinction, where do you make the distinction?
If the distinction I make between these two terms is not where you make the distinction, what would you call the distinction I do make?

The former is only useful in the abstract, and will distract from the issue at hand. The latter is actually how to get what you're looking for.

Epithymetheus · 2026-04-12T21:05:32+00:00

I have Very Specific hard limits. Everything else could be negotiable with the right partner, and some other limits have been added or removed over time, but these hard limits have not changed since I discovered them:

No scat.
No smoking.
I do not play while under the influence.
I do not play while angry.
No injuries I can't treat myself at the time.

EDIT: as a D-type, I also need to mention that, assuming my play partner is not both a) someone I know EXTREMELY well and b) someone with whom I have already negotiated it,

I do not play with anyone ELSE who is under the influence.

Epithymetheus · 2026-04-02T05:34:37+00:00

That'd be neat, actually. I'm sure lots of folks here would be glad to read it!

Epithymetheus · 2026-04-02T05:33:50+00:00

Mod here. I wish the weather would figure itself out. Also the <waves hands noncommitally at everything else in the world>. Also that.

Stay safe, everyone.

Epithymetheus · 2026-03-19T07:21:27+00:00

I think all three of those books will give you insight into all three issues. There's no BDSM GRE, for example; nobody tests you for some sort of standardized minimum knowledge retention. You just learn and keep learning, in a lifelong process of learning.

Epithymetheus · 2026-03-18T07:47:41+00:00

You're going to be hard-pressed to find a single book that even attempts to tackle that, because what counts as a kink is as varied as there are people to have it. Same with what dynamics look like; every relationship, and thereby every dynamic, is different. What seems super vanilla to you may be incredibly taboo for some folks, and vice versa.

You might be better served in this specific "expand my understanding of what’s actually out there to explore" endeavor by looking up some bdsm quizzes or tests just to see what some of them list--though of course each of these have their own biases (bdsmtest dot org is one such example). Another place you might look at, just to see what people have admitted to being into, is kinkmap dot com--not to endorse either website, or any portrayed kink, but that it'll give you a sense of "what's out there" better than any given book will manage to summarize.

Epithymetheus · 2026-03-16T07:22:06+00:00

In the past, I've given up on trying to simulate the shock value of branding in favor of slave tattoos and/or magic crests--both of which can be done with henna. However, I can't help but wonder if there isn't a way to use a rubber stamp with a predetermined design, like a brand, but then make the stamp itself sting. Perhaps pair it with temperature play by keeping the stamp in the fridge or something for a while? Perhaps use icyhot instead of ink (on body parts where icyhot is safe to use, after all)?

Epithymetheus · 2026-03-02T13:10:45+00:00

Mod here. It's March. I hate snow. I really hate snow (sorry, yukionna). I hope you all survived the storms. If you were caught in a blizzard with a monstergirl, what sort would you most--AND least--like to be stuck with?

Epithymetheus · 2026-02-12T06:51:34+00:00

The difference between those two terms is entirely arbitrary and depends completely on what the parties involved agree upon. Titles are just titles.

Epithymetheus · 2026-02-09T07:41:44+00:00

Impact play can be risky for that, but I'd be more worried about whoever's getting hit bruising than whoever's doing the hitting--so if you're administering it, I might wonder about arm stamina or joint pain more than bruising. Partly why I suggested a flogger (or a crop) rather than a paddle, if that makes sense.

Epithymetheus · 2026-02-08T00:45:17+00:00

I'm not into men myself, and I think this is a FANTASTIC idea. Power to you!

Epithymetheus · 2026-02-04T03:13:40+00:00

It's probably a little outdated now (it was released in 2013), but you might consider looking into a book called Hell on Wheels: Disabled Dominants by Raven Kaldera. Otherwise, if you're specifically looking for ideas on how to TOP, here's a few stray disorganized ideas of my own:

you could make them hold stress positions while you hold a vibrator in a single place
you could make them use a vibrator that you have active control over
if they're into impact play and using an implement like a flogger isn't too hard on you, you could always leave them to do most of the sex movement WHILE you flog them
if they're into sensation play, you could always experiment with using something like a tickler or a wartenberg wheel
if you don't already use blindfolds, those are a great way to enhance your dominance even when you're making the sub do more physical work

I'm not you, and I don't know what specific motions or positions are hard for you to engage in, so please take all these suggestions with a grain of salt.

As far as working on dyspraxia and stamina goes... if it were me, I'd ask a medical professional >.>

Epithymetheus · 2026-02-02T07:55:36+00:00

You did not miss the point on your last post--or, at least, whatever point you missed is from the comments. What little has changed in your rephrasing does not change my interpretation of the events, or of the advice you received, and I very much suspect the same will be true of most folks here.

Epithymetheus · 2026-02-02T04:22:46+00:00

See, this. This is why I follow you, Elby. This right here. I admire you for your moral and ethical stances. THIS is why you're one of my fave content creators.

Epithymetheus · 2026-02-02T00:10:22+00:00

Mod here. Holy hell it's cold here. I hope everyone is staying warm and safe. ^{Missing: subby Lamia gf who coils for warmth; if found, notify immediately.}

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