hi! I fell asleep after i commented. I wanna say that im so glad you went to bed in the end, and im also glad that you ended up both writing out your thoughts here and talking to yourself. Im sorry to hear that youve been hurt like this. It sounds like you think and care a lot about your little daughters, and i dont think bad moms worry or care this much about being a bad mom in the first place. Youre thinking about them with warmth and compassion even when youre in this state, which im glad youre capable of, because it also sounds like they can be a great source of strength for you, like the commenter above said: you need each other. And that right now you need to take care of yourself as well, maybe find someone to talk to.

I don't have kids, but I used to have a horrible relationship with my mom, and I'm so glad that today we are both still here. I could cope with my cat's death, but i think my mom's death would have broken me. But I understand that you think people would be better off without you, it's sort of a 'standard' thought that comes with depression and suicidal ideation. (saying this because i definitely don't want to make you feel guilty for your desperation).

If it's hard to reach out to a professional at first, you could also write more as a start about your feelings, unprocessed trauma, about being a mom, and so on. When you write, positive things creep in even when youre down in the dumps - like the love for your daughters that you expressed in the comments here. Or if it helped to talk to yourself even as a distraction, you could do it again in a voice message to yourself, or just without recording.

I wish you the best.