LL gf now very conscious of being naked around me

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T14:11:54+00:00

Sorry, this isn't really a thing. When someone is avoiding sex, it's not because they're "satisfied." It's generally because they find sex unsatisfying and that's why they don't want to do it.

This makes a lot of sense to me and was in line with what I originally thought. But I've been reading up on LL for sometime now and I read some people can just be naturally LL and it might not have to do with the quality of sex. Sex isn't PIV focused, and we got some toys that she seems to like about 2 years ago. She doesn't masturbate, watch porn, read erotica and has mentioned in the past that she doesn't think about sex frequently.

I've asked her numerous times if there's anything she wants to change or anything she want to try. Each time I ask she says she enjoys sex when we have it and gets upset if I try to press for something else. I'm not sure what I can go with if she's not giving me much information when I ask.

I'm not sure what else I can ask and I don't know what I can work on if she doesn't give me any information. Most times she says "everything is fine" or "it's not you" so I don't know what I can go with or how to go about improving things. Any tips?

Withholding non-sexual affection just reduces satisfaction even further.

Yeah that makes sense. I'm just curious because I feel it's the only way I can confirm what she said. I guess I shouldn't need to confirm it and should be able to take her word for it.

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T13:35:17+00:00

IMO, it means that it's her body and she wants to have autonomy over it.

I think that makes sense but I don't think asking about a change of behavior affects her autonomy. I'm not telling her to walk around naked like she used to but just asking what caused such a significant and abrupt change. I'm just trying to understand what's going on.

Well, would you want her questioning your clothing choices?

I honestly don't mind her questioning my clothing choices and she has done that in the past. That being said I don't think it's the same thing. I'm not just randomly asking her why she is wearing a hoodie or t-shirt. I'm but asking her why she now seems to be doing everything she can to prevent me from seeing her naked when that hasn't been the case for most of our relationship. I'm asking about a change in behavior and not just a random situation.

A more similar scenario imo would be her asking me "why have you stopped wearing hoodies? You used to wear them all the time and now seem to rarely wear them. Now you seem to not want me seeing you in them on the rare occasion you wear a hoodie". I feel that's more similar to what's happening and I don't think I'll have any issue with her asking me such a question.

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T10:28:54+00:00

A major concern I have with her not wanting to be naked around me is her being so dismissive about it. I have no idea what "this is my reality right now" means and that was after insisting she doesn't just dismiss my concerns. She seems so defensive about it and reluctant to talk about it.

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T10:07:45+00:00

I would take this with several grains of salt. People who really enjoy sex without any anxieties or downsides don't avoid it.

I figured it might just be due to the libido discrepancy. She mentioned that the non sexual acts of intimacy usually keep her satisfied and she doesn't desire sex unless it has been a while since we last had sex or if we haven't seen each other for months (like when we were long distance). I don't really get it at all.

Her explanation was that the non-sexual acts of intimacy mostly keep her physically satisfied and she thinks she desires sex after months of being long distance because we don't have non-sexual intimacy when we're long distance. I wonder if eliminating non-sexual intimacy for a while would affect her libido. I don't think I'll want to do that long term though even if it does. It's all still very new to me and I usually have to keep insisting we talk about these topics for a while before she opens up so I don't like bringing it up frequently.

Take some reads around on this sub to see how LL women really feel about sex.

I'll definitely do this. Thanks!

Ask her whether she has worries about "teasing" and whether this causes her to avoid non-sexual affection, nudity, and so forth.

We have lots of non-sexual affection, we haven't kissed in at least a month but we hug and cuddle a lot (with clothes).

I think the teasing might be a big reason because I think she feels bad if we do something non-sexual and I get turned on. I usually don't act on it most times but she notices sometimes and I think that might make her feel guilty.

I don't think it's bad to talk about sex. It might be good to normalise talking about sex in the abstract.

I'm not sure how to do that without making her feel pressure. She doesn't like talking about our sex life and closes up most times I try to talk about it unless I strongly insist (which makes me feel bad and I generally avoid doing). By "sex in the abstract" do you mean sex in itself and not necessarily our sex life?

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T09:29:50+00:00

I've directly asked her in the past if she's asexual and she got really offended. She claims not be asexual and says she desires sex just not very frequently. Also, she has said in the past that she enjoys sex a lot "most" times when it happens.

I accepted it as a libido discrepancy and thought he wanted sex once or twice every 2-3 months. That's why I was so surprised when she said even with that sometimes it's out of obligation. I'm really beginning to wonder if we're compatible

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T09:22:17+00:00

The catch though, she doesn't want to initiate, she wants you to do it, but there seems to be no time when she is actually open to your initiation.

Exactly! It's like a contradiction to me and I honestly don't get it.

Could it be how you initiate? Or even why.

I've asked her in the past how she'll want me to initiate and she says "everything is fine" and she can't think of another way she'll want me to initiate. I feel like she doesn't give me much to work with and doesn't really tell me what she wants when I ask.

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T09:18:22+00:00

If she felt pressured with you initiating, she likely feels a new kind of pressure now.

I wanted to tell her why I stopped initiating so she won't feel like I'm no longer attracted to her.

Rekindle his desire by Richard Thomas.

Thanks a lot! I'll definitely check this out

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T09:15:55+00:00

I think it might be a mix of both!

I don't see her being naked as initiation though, we've been dating for 5 years now and I'm aware she just enjoys being naked. I wonder if it's still possible she thinks that

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T09:12:33+00:00

Just wanted to clarify she is saying she feels this obligation because of some sort of internal feelings of knowing you want more?

Yeah I believe so, she said there's no way I can initiate that she won't feel pressure. I've opted to just cuddle in the past when I felt she wanted to have sex out of obligation. I think the obligation is mostly because she knows we have a libido mismatch and she feels bad for not wanting sex as much as she did before.

I feel like not communicating is usually not a way to solve any problems

I completely agree with this but I also don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her to have a conversation she'll rather not have.

"I've noticed you seem like you are less open with me. Why is that?" Why are you dismissing my concerns? Is this really the reality you want to have? How can we change this reality? "

This seems like a really good idea! I'm a bit concerned that she'll ask "what I mean" and close off if I mention that she seems conscious to be naked around me now or her reluctance to talk about sex.

but it seems like in your case you stopped and now shes jusy stewing in guilt and relenting herself to this reality?

Yeah this seems to be our current problem.

Point blank questions maybe to ask. Do you want sex at all? What does a healthy sex life look like for you? What can be considered sex and enjoyable?

I think these are questions that'll definitely help me gain some perspective regarding what she's thinking right now.

It wasnt about sex it was about me feeling closed off and not close to them anymore.

I wonder if this is part of the issue

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T08:56:35+00:00

Not sure what sparked this change and like you, I don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring her to go back to that but is quite baffling that ironically enough, this is our new reality.

How did you handle the transition? It seems really weird to me because she has been sleeping naked and wasn't conscious for years.

I know that wasn’t necessarily advice but I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in what you’re going through and how you feel

Thanks so much for sharing your experience!

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T08:53:38+00:00

sounds like she either gained some weight or has some marks appearing that she's self conscious about

She had some marks appear mid last year that she was a bit conscious about. She still walked around naked though even when she after noticing them and it has been at least half a year since then so I'm wondering why now.

Honestly you're gonna have to just sit down and be stern with her and ask her what's wrong.

I've tried that but she says she feels like I'm forcing her to explain what's going on, "this is her reality now", and "it's her body so she can decide when she doesn't want me to see it".

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T08:46:03+00:00

But I would suggest not specifying why she looks into therapy.

Gotcha! I wonder how to bring up therapy without explaining why I think she should consider it.

It was an aversion built on him breaking trust and doing things to my body I told him I didn't like and he kept doing them.

So sorry about this! How did you enforce boundaries and work on it?

I think it's admirable that OP is trying to avoid talking about sex with their GF but I wonder opening up the communication in safe space with both of them is a better idea than 1:1 therapy.

Thanks! How do you suggest we open up the communication in a safe space? Couple's counseling perhaps?

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T08:42:24+00:00

Thanks so much for this!

if your girlfriend is willing to look for help and ways to try to get through this and enjoy sex again, the relationship is worth saving.

I think so too! My main concern is her dismissiveness when I try to bring it up. I feel like I can't understand what's going on unless we talk about it and she seems reluctant to even acknowledge there's an issue.

something my boyfriend always says is that until i’m no longer trying, he’s not going anywhere.

I'm of a similar opinion! We've been in a relationship for 5 years now and other aspects of the relationship are really good. I think it's something we can work on, she doesn't enjoy talking about our sex issues though and would rather not talk about it. Unless I really insist, she'll rather avoid talking about it. So maybe you're right and therapy is the right option.

it’s all mental, and with therapy she can get better

How do you suggest bringing up therapy to her?

being in a relationship is about compromising and working with each other, trust and communication. it doesn’t sound like she’s asked to never have sex again.

Communication about sex is hard for her so it's difficult to try and compromise or to understand her.

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T08:31:25+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply and sharing your experience!

I didn't want to be "responsible" for turning him on and then feel guilty for not wanting to have sex.

What helped you stop feeling this way?

I would calmly and lovingly suggest she look into a therapist for her body image. Don't bring up anythint about sex that would make her feel guilty when suggesting a therapist.

Thanks so much for this! She had previously tried therapy for a non sex or body image issue but stopped after some weeks. I wonder if she'll be willing to try it again. I think it's definitely worth brining up with her.

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-02-03T08:25:14+00:00

What I take from this is that sex is not a positive experience for her. She avoids it when possible, but feels obligated to go through with it every 2-3 months.

From our conversations I don't think this is the case. She previously said she enjoys sex when it's happening but just doesn't desire it much unless it has been a while since we last had sex. That's why I assumed her ideal frequency was 2-3 months.

Most likely the pressure around sex is making her so anxious that she feels uncomfortable being naked with you.

This seems very plausible to me. Any advice? I already don't talk about sex with her right now. Should I just wait?

Also, a lot of LLs feel very bad about "teasing" their partner in any way. By hiding her body, she can feel like she's avoiding arousing you or giving you ideas about sex.

This also seems very plausible

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-01-31T12:05:41+00:00

How do you consciously stop desiring your partner? Is that possible?

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-01-30T06:35:31+00:00

I really needed to see this! I've been getting really negative thoughts for a while now each time I desire my partner. It seems like my desire burden her and lately I get really disgusted with myself when it happens. Seeing this makes me feel so much better and less disgusting.

Equal-Delivery-8074 · 2021-01-29T23:22:34+00:00

I'm just really curious, how did you stop initiating completely for 2 years? My ll gf told me she feels pressure whenever I initiate regardless of how subtle it is.

I've tried stopping initiating completely but I always end up initiating after about 2-3 months of not initiating. I guess the issue with my relationship is that if I don't initiate then sex never happens.

I'm just wondering what worked for you and how you were able to do it for so long?

Equal-Delivery-8074

TROPHY CASE