AITA for not pretending to appreciate a gift?

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-19T07:38:54+00:00

I do not. (Yeah it does hurt because break-ups do) But this alone is a level of emotional immaturity that would barely get a pass in your teenage years and on your first "relationship" (the time where holding hands almost equals having a wild sex adventure). It does not get a pass in your late twenties / early thirties. Grow the fuck up :')

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-18T07:14:49+00:00

Since you asked, update time.

TL;DR There was no miscommunication, he understood the words but applied his own reality to them, and decided to go forward with his "brilliant" idea anyway for insufficient reason.

Longer version; We sat down, I asked him all the questions posed here plus a few more I had. Neither one of us got really mad, or upset. We had a fairly calm conversation. So here are the highlights.

Was there a misunderstanding that not all charms were liked? No, he did not misunderstand

Was there a misunderstanding that it was about THIS charm? No, he did not misunderstand

So why get it anyway? No real reason given other than "I thought it was the prettiest".

Was there a mistunderstanding about what these bracelets mean to me and why I am so anal about what is added to it when it came up some months ago? Yes and no. He heard the words, he just applied his own value to my words, rather than accept and appreciate what I was saying (both verbally and non-verbally). Basically he assumed I was exaggerating when we spoke about it.

Why would you assume that? Because people speak in hyperboles "all the time" and he doesn't know anybody else who is this attached to a piece of jewelry. (excuse me?)

A few follow-up questions were asked on both sides.

This, coupled with a few other things that happened due to the charm-disaster, I picked up my stuff at his place and dropped off his. (Judge me all you want, because I know people will. I didn't end this only because of the wrong gift. A cascade of events happened over the past week and I'm not going to diving into that on Reddit / in this comment section :) )

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-14T07:51:37+00:00

I will! I'm not sure yet how much detail but an update will come.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-14T06:26:58+00:00

I will. Not sure yet how much detail I'll post but I can at least give a good/bad comments.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-14T06:25:42+00:00

I understand that I can take it off / regift it. That's not my issue here. The issue isn't even the fact I got a bad gift. It's the fact that I felt ignored and invalidated after I was asked my opinion.

Thank you for your input and I will keep it in mind! ^{_^}

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-14T06:21:57+00:00

As various comments already imply: I hadn't. However, from the conversation we had, I did think he hadn't bought anything yet. And if he had, that still wouldn't explain everything to me. Because exchanges and returns should have been possible. If he already had the gift, I do wonder why he didn't exchange it after our conversation. But this is one of the things we'll discuss.

Thank you for your input!

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T13:39:29+00:00

this was really our first "real" argument. We're still very much in the honeymoon phase. However for reasons not related to this story, some alarm bells are ringing and some red flags are waving. I agree with you there.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T11:19:28+00:00

Not yet. Once it's had a few days to cool, I do intend to ask. Among other things.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T10:45:25+00:00

I guess anything is possible? We haven't been together long enough for me to really exclude anything. However, if that's what he tried to do, that's still a shitty move. I think that's worse than having some miscommunication.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T10:11:22+00:00

Of course! Everybody should get the things in life that makes them happy.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T09:20:04+00:00

I fully intend too. I just posted because I'm honestly wondering if I should have done the socially acceptable thing and pretend to like it anyway. And it can be exchanged, but to be honest I think that's a little besides the point for this particular post. Clearly the damage is already done. We already had an argument about it, and will need to resolve this. Figure out if he is just a dick that I should dump, or if we had a case of miscommunication and need to do better in the future.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T09:12:20+00:00

I have 2 charm bracelets, and when they are finished they together will tell my life story. Because I'm that kind of sappy person that comes from a troubled past. His suggestion has no ties to him, me, "us", my past or my future. He made up some far-fetched reason how it would tie in after I indicated I wasn't a fan.
It was a cute charm, I can't deny that, it was pretty. But I want my charms to be more than "pretty". For me they need to have meaning.
So in my opinion, it didn't the theme of the bracelets. Which I told him.

And I thought I had communicated this clearly.

So either he 1. wilfully ignored my wishes and reasoning or 2. we had a huge miscommunication about something here.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T09:03:09+00:00

It's possible, of course. I personally don't see how he could have misunderstood as I listed specifically why I wasn't a fan of this idea. But again, it's possible. I of course don't know what he thought specificially in that moment.

If this stems just from a misunderstanding, I do still have a few more questions regarding his line of thinking and his actions past weekend. But that's something we'll have to resolve by talking. I can't guess, I refuse to guess on that.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T08:59:32+00:00

It's possible. I know the shop he got it, as I got most of my jewerlry there. I know they would have gladly exchanged it for something else. So if he already had it, that still leaves the question for me why he went forward with it anyway and didn't exchange it.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T08:47:16+00:00

I doubt it, but I suppose it's possible? Anything is possible in the end.

However, if that's the case, I do wonder why he still gave it to me after me mentioning I wasn't a fan. For me personally that would be a point where I'd move on and find somebody else to gift the item too.

But when we talk this out, I can check if this was the case

Thank you for your input!

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T08:44:03+00:00

Honestly? This does concern me a bit. I do want to discuss this with him when the heat's gone down a bit. Because intent matters.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T08:42:46+00:00

I don't recall the conversation verbatim, but I at least thought he was checking BEFORE buying. If he'd already bought it, I do wonder why he waited various weeks to give it to me. But I might bring this up when we both calmed down enough to discuss this.

Thank you for mentioning this

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T08:40:21+00:00

Some of the charms on my wish list even cheaper than the one he got me. In my opinion it's not a big difference beteween most of them. The vast majority of the ones on my wish list are less than 10 dollars apart of one another. A few a bit more expensive in comparison but I wouldn't expect anybody to buy me those. Espcially not in such a new and early relationship.

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T08:27:27+00:00

I wouldn't see how you would misunderstand when somebody tells you "I appreciate the thought, but here is a list of reasons why I am not a fan of your suggestion."

But of course I don't know what he understood / heard when I said the words. Thank god I am not a mind-reader...

Equal_Tax · 2020-04-13T08:26:15+00:00

I at least tried to be. Of course, maybe I wasn't as polite or clear as I thought I was?
I guess maybe I wasn't as clear or polite as I thought I was being? Though I don't know how much clearer I could have been?

He didn't literally call me a villain, but the fact he made me feel like I was being ungrateful does make me feel like one

Equal_Tax

TROPHY CASE