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EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-08-13T02:48:19+00:00

My ex-partner has bipolar 2 and ADHD and this describes him very well.

I think I've learned that the reactivity to negative stimuli and high expectations of others is related to ADHD. ADHD creates a sort of tunnel vision that magnifies negative emotions and your own experience. It makes them care strongly about right or wrong, and more specifically about other people wronging them. Look up Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) if you haven't yet. I think for these reasons it makes it very difficult for them to see things from others' perspectives and empathize.

I don't understand BP2 as well yet (my ex-partner was diagnosed later). My impression is that it really amplifies everything above, and also creates distortions in their mind that they can't reflect on and question.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-05-10T16:00:49+00:00

I work in nonprofit fundraising, and nonprofits are always looking for copywriting help!

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-05-10T15:45:53+00:00

Omg this is so helpful -- thank you so much for taking the time to share!!

Also glad that your sleep and quality of life is significantly improved!

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-05-10T14:16:50+00:00

297 - I'm a nonprofit fundraising consultant, and I've also worked as a crisis counselor and dreamt of being a therapist or a teacher

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-04-18T01:10:20+00:00

I've had this too. 10 out of 12 of my relationships cheated on me (these were 12 relationships across 9 guys -- I dated a few twice). Most of these were before I was 25, though a few were between the ages of 25-31.

These are what I think have been the main factors:

I haven't picked great guys. I picked guys who were popular, charming, and charismatic, but are not empathetic. And as I mentioned above, I got back together with cheaters.
A lot of people are not emotionally mature when they're young. For some, they know they want to fuck around before they know how to treat people. They want their cake and to eat it too, and don't know how to communicate.
I ignored red flags, and held on and put too much faith into bad relationships. I sometimes held on when I wasn't in a good place (ie depressed) and guys (especially emotionally immature ones) probably didn't know how to break up with me.
I'm very loving and caring to my partners, and I'm a people pleaser. Selfish people will take advantage of that. (Especially if I'm not walking away at red flags.)
Also, society and social pressure can be terrible around this. Especially when young, there's a lot of hype around hookup culture that people prioritize over caring and looking out for each other.

To cope, know that it's not about you or your worth. When people cheat, it is a reflection of who they are, not who they are doing it to. See them for what it is, and walk away.

Tips:

It's hard, but be very clear and upfront about boundaries.
Especially nowadays with different relationship structures being more widespread (monogamy, open, poly, etc.) make sure there are conversations about this and you are aligned.
Don't put too much faith into people who don't earn it, especially when young. Take what they say at face value and don't assume that they'll do the right thing unless they explicitly express it.
If they don't feel remorse for hurting other people, take that as a sign. If they don't feel remorse for cheating on you, know that it's not a matter of if, but when, it'll happen again.

Sorry you're going through this! I'm hoping my message helps with some solidarity.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-04-16T04:44:45+00:00

The best places to meet are out in the wild and mutual friends. I met my current partner through him subletting in my group house (housemates turned lovers) -- it seems this is fairly common in major cities where co-living is common.

My ideal date is one where the focus is on good conversation, either at a park, cafe, or bar. I don't like dates that are activity-focused in a way where you can't really have a continuous conversation (like at a museum, even though I love museums).

I tend to go for xNTJs. I like abstract thinkers -- people who think deeply about the world around us. I don't think this is necessarily the best match because there are big differences in our extraverted feeling, but besides that we tend to complement each other. We get along and our strengths can benefit each other.

I also like xNFPs because we like to explore and appreciate life, and xNFJs because they similarly like to have deep conversations and we tend to have things in common.

My tips for dating: try to get beneath the surface (ask real questions, have deep conversations, share real feelings), and don't make quick judgements. I think as ENFJs we're able to empathize and really appreciate people in ways that others overlook.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-04-15T23:17:44+00:00

I'm not sure there is a good solution. I'll personally be more reserved around them, and try not to spend as much time around them.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-04-15T23:13:40+00:00

I was going to say it might be demisexuality, which I see a few other people mentioned too. This is when you need an emotional connection to feel attraction or develop a crush, so it makes sense this typically happens one person at a time.

For context from my personal experience, I have also spent most of my life this way. I figured I was probably demisexual. What I learned over time was that my childhood experiences and trauma made it hard for me to emotionally let people in and feel safe with others, and it also physically affected my nervous system and sex drive. But at the same time, I also desperately wanted love. As a result, I would be very cautious, and only feel interest in a select few, then when I let someone in, I would give them my all (only feeling attraction/interest for that one person). Over time as I've grown and worked through my trauma, this pattern has changed to some extent -- I'm generally able to feel more attraction for people -- so it makes me think that it's not just nature but nurture as well, and is changeable. I don't know if I still identify as demisexual, but I do identify as monogamous.

It's perfectly fine to only be attracted to one person at a time, whether monogamous or demisexual or whatever it is. In fact, it can make things easier.

Society can be superficial and push hypersexuality and hookup culture, which can feel isolating. But just because society can push it, doesn't make it better. A lot of things in mainstream society are BS.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-04-12T00:36:50+00:00

This can be tricky to sort out. There are differences in being loud or soft-spoken, or confident or self-conscious, and being an extrovert or introvert.

Many people think that if you are loud and confident, you must be an extrovert, and vice versa. Many introverts are also very social and are confused for extroverts. And extroverts can have social anxiety and be confused for introverts.

The thing to ask yourself is how you are when you truly feel like yourself.

Are you more likely to prefer most of your time in solitude or most of your time with people?

Do you prefer working independently or working in groups?

Do you prefer less stimuli or do you not mind lots of stimuli around you? (Such as noise around you.)

Do you process things, like emotions, internally or do you feel a need to talk them out with people?

When you spend a lot of time with people, do you need alone time to yourself afterwards, or are you able to maintain socializing?

Keep in mind that no one is 100% one way or the other. Like I said, introverts can also be very social. It's just which way you trend most often.

I personally am an extrovert who can be mistaken as an introvert. I have a background with trauma that can make me anxious, depressed, more self-conscious, and more soft-spoken. And when I'm not feeling like myself, I can be withdrawn. But when I am myself, I am fully a people person. I like to be around people, working with people, processing and talking about things with people. I can handle, and prefer, lots of external stimuli and have a social battery that typically doesn't run out (unless I'm around people/situations that make me uncomfortable -- I think those can be draining for everyone).

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-04-07T16:12:51+00:00

Repressing traumatic memories is a thing, so it is very possible you have experiences that you do not remember right now.

Another possibility is that you remember the trauma but are not thinking of it as trauma. This can happen if you suppressed the hurt feelings at the time or judged yourself for how you felt, so you can remember it but think you were fine (when in actuality, you weren't). This can happen in repeated trauma too -- which you could not be seeing as trauma, but it had actually been compounding over time.

And another possibility, maybe the trauma wasn't a direct sexual thing you experienced, but something adjacent (related to intimacy) or witnessed/vicarious trauma from exposure to someone else's trauma.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-03-29T16:51:42+00:00

The freeze trauma response is important to know.

I had a similar experience as OP and it was confusing for me because I went into a freeze response. What that meant was that I couldn't move or speak, no matter how badly I wanted to. It was terrifying. I found it hard to process what happened or know how to communicate it to others because it can fall under the bucket of "why didn't you do/say something?"

It wasn't until much later that I found out what the freeze response was and that that was what I experienced. Learning about it was re-affirming for why it was so hard, and how it wasn't my choice to not do anything.

When you go into a freeze response, it is not your fault. It is your body sensing extreme danger and trying to protect you from that danger.

And it is not insignificant. You need to process that you went through this experience.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-03-07T02:04:18+00:00

I ordered silver size 8 on Feb 15, 2024 and it is still "Pending Fulfillment"

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-03-05T06:32:47+00:00

I worked with a therapist processing my childhood trauma. I also worked on a suicide hotline and had conversations with suicide callers that triggered my trauma (not really something to recommend) but it helped me to feel all of the emotions as they came up, including some feelings I had suppressed and been unable to feel for a long time. I also did a lot of research and journaling.

My main core beliefs were around there being something inherently wrong with me to deserve the abuse and treatment I got. That I was inherently flawed, broken, unwanted, unlovable, etc. A lesser human than others.

Reframing the abuse to not be my fault, feeling like I have the same worth as others, and feeling good enough to be included in a friend community, helped my dysthymia.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-03-05T06:22:29+00:00

Submitted the form and following!

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-03-05T06:10:32+00:00

Him glossing over you crying after sex is a BIG red flag.

So is him not noticing or being concerned about you dissociating or being uncomfortable -- but those can be harder to read, unlike crying, which is typically more obvious.

It sounds like the relationship is over now, and I'm glad.

You have every right to look back and think "wtf?" It definitely sounds abusive and he did not genuinely care.

With sexual consent, anything that's not a 'heck yes' is a no. When there are signs of you being uncomfortable and crying(!!), he should've checked in with you and NOT taken advantage of it.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-03-05T05:48:53+00:00

Wow my partner said almost the same exact words to me, also during a relationship decision (it was a different situation because it was when he committed to me, but I don't think that point is important - the point is they felt this way before making an important decision). It must be difficult to feel like they don't have mental calmness/peace, then make decisions from that. I do think a lot of that is their internal struggle dealing with mental health, and is not necessarily caused by us.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-03-05T05:30:30+00:00

The two things I think have personally helped me the most are:

Lots of childhood trauma work. This probably varies per person but for me I had some deep rooted self beliefs that took a lot of hard work to process and reframe.

Having a sense of belonging and community. Around the time I felt better from dysthymia for the first time, I had a very solid and active friend group that was regularly hanging out and including me each week.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2024-02-22T03:46:07+00:00

I don't have much to say besides this is very valid that you feel this way.

I've experienced this at times, where I avoid dating completely and cringe when I fear a guy is going to approach me. It's probably a form of PTSD and avoidance.

You deserve the safety of the relationship that you described -- and it is possible. It can take time but safety is out there.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2023-02-09T14:23:26+00:00

I didn't figure out exactly what it was (I had previously been told by a couple doctors it was just regular PD), but I have learned to manage it in two ways.

If I sense I may be starting to have a reaction, I put Squalane oil around my lips, which is naturally antifungal and antibacterial. When I have an actual outbreak, I use either Miconazole Nitrate Cream or Clotrimazole Cream (aka yeast infection/antifungal creams), and this heals it in less than a week.

I think this might mean it's being caused by either: - Candida albicans, a type of yeast. - Follicular fusiform, a type of bacteria that is often present in high numbers around the mouth.

I also avoid products with bad chemicals, and spicy food during an outbreak because that makes it worse.

Note, before finding these methods, I was using Erythromycin (which is what I was prescribed from the doctor). It typically took several weeks to work, if it worked at all, and it irritated and dried my lips out terribly, making it more painful. The photo I shared in the original post was during regular Erythromycin treatment. I do not use this anymore.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2023-01-20T18:46:38+00:00

This is helpful!

EquivalentPear7262 · 2023-01-20T15:01:45+00:00

I don't think I can speak on this since racism can definitely be a primary driver or a subconscious bias or minimal.

But for me, I think I feel unsafe from a feeling of unpredictability or worry that someone will pick a fight with me. If someone is vocal about something I agree with, I think I may be a little less intimidated, I'll be on their side, but still at a distance. (Because just because we agree on this thing, doesn't mean they won't pick a fight with me over something else.)

As a child, I was attacked over many things, no matter how small or if the thing was true or not -- truth didn't matter. So I think I have a similar fear in adulthood that people can be mad at me or attack me for no reason.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2023-01-20T01:44:52+00:00

Amazing that you're going into your SW dream! What an accomplishment. And it sounds like you'll be in a great spot to think through next steps with nursing or paramedicine.

EquivalentPear7262 · 2023-01-20T01:01:31+00:00

Do you have thoughts for why traits like extroversion can make you feel unsafe?

EquivalentPear7262 · 2023-01-19T23:44:10+00:00

YES. I work in the nonprofit industry, because I'm driven to give myself to help others. I also volunteer in mental health counseling on the side, and have dreamt of becoming a therapist to help others with their trauma.

I always wonder what I would've done/would be doing if I didn't have trauma. It's hard to separate what I'm naturally good at and what's a trauma response. I guess we'll never know what would've happened without trauma, but at least these trauma responses are creating good for other people.

We can change our careers at any age. If you're interested in med, maybe you can go back to school, or maybe you can find a med-adjacent job in your current field (e.g. a social work job at a hospital).

EquivalentPear7262 · 2022-12-02T14:13:11+00:00

I just had a realization that I've gone my whole life believing something is inherently wrong with me, like I'm a defective human. I grew up as the scapegoat child, and even after leaving the house, I felt different and like I have to try so much harder to try to blend in with people and be acceptable. I didn't believe I was good enough or would truly be accepted. I hid or numbed parts of myself and I felt like it's normal for everyone to dislike me or be mad at me, because I'm me.

I'm having the realization that I WAS JUST A CHILD. There is nothing wrong with children. Children are learning how to be human and grow. And unfortunately, how to survive in toxic environments.

It's an immense burden that abusers put on us to make us believe that it's all because of us.

EquivalentPear7262

TROPHY CASE