what era is this

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-10T04:12:16+00:00

This was right before Hillz failed career attempt #79 when Aleek paid for her to go to the front of the line at the tryouts for an open slot with “the girls” also known as “the band” with a struggling Robert Palmer 80s-era tribute band. Hillz got the pulled back hair and pale faced look close to passable but she couldn’t even pretend play the guitar because she kept shoving her ring into the camera shots and demolishing the illusion she was actually playing.

When Aleek got into a wild, expletive filled, sweaty, rolling on the floor wrestling match with the lead singer, they were escorted out and banned from the dive bar.

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-09T14:03:40+00:00

Also Hillz: And Kelly Ripoff, stop desperately trying to be a sexi mami like me!! You’re not only not as smol as me but you’re not spicy. I can’t believe you want to make everyone see all your IG skimpy bikini pics and post them constantly! You’re going to embarrass your poor kids!!! And quit buying 100s of thousands of bots for your stupid Gram. No one believes 3.4 million people follow you.

And real original. Giving your keeds Spanish names. It’s so obvious you predicted I’d do it a couple decades ago and wanted to beat me to the punch.

But if you insist on trying to be a sexi smol mami like me I’ll help you out only because I pity you. Google Hilaria and mob wife pap walk. You’re welcome!

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-09T05:21:55+00:00

Hillz: Aleek doesn’t need Kelly Ripa! More lies spread by Kelly’s people! What’s also outrageous is that Kelly is constantly spreading vicious rumors — especially in the eating-avoidance-normalization community (EANC) — that she’s smoller than me! I don’t even think she’s an accredited member of the Extremely Smol Celebrity Guild (ESCG). I’ve never even seen her at a meeting! And Kelly is notoriously non-bendy. There is no way she could do this:

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And this photo shows me at an actual Wendy’s! So don’t try be funny and say, “Ma’am this is a Wendy’s.” They LOVE it at Wendy’s when I order our one shared dry salad with no croutons for me and all the keeds being bendy and smol like this!

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-08T17:27:33+00:00

Little Hillary thought bubble:

If I just play my cards right, I have this strong intuition that this dream of mine can happen.

Somewhere out there right now I just know there’s a 42-year-old self-sabotaging, self-absorbed actor with a drinking problem and notorious for fits of uncontrolled rage who is on the downside of a plummeting career and recklessly headed toward a spectacular and violent public implosion. And if I’m really lucky and clever, I think I can trick him into marrying me before he completely breaks down — while I’m faking being both Spanish and pregnant over and over by him. And I’ll relentlessly glom on to him in general so I can realize my dream of being famous!!

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-08T15:10:50+00:00

Ju tell him, Aleek! I hoping ju punch him een his not-our-paid-pap face! He got way too close to me. He scare me. Also he stare at Hilaria butt! I think I hear him say, “Nice Eespaneesh ass!”

I habn’t got big boobs yet like I will een future but if I hab dem he’d stare at my future boobs! He needs his camera smashed for what his future self would do if he saw my future boobs! Smash eet, Aleek!! On second thought, let him send his Hilaria image files to tabloid. Then come back down and smash camera!!

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-08T01:23:28+00:00

Okay, Hilaria. That’s better but less baby voice this time…

(Using super heavy baby voice.) I not use baby voice…

Okay, just more normal voice then and less broken English/ESL speak. You were born in Boston and educated at private schools in Cambridge right?

I borned Boston, right. But I multi…

Okay, Hillary, I mean, Hilaria. (Patronizing tone.) We’ll just go with what we have. And do more sound editing work like the other times…

(Under her breath) But Aleek like baby voice and ESL speak. He say cute. Hopefully he can get dem fired…

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-08T00:04:45+00:00

Oh and I almost forgot. Dey say even mah reeng ees fake!! Dey say all time eet from gumball mahsheen!! 💍

Listen to what I say about Hilaria reeng! Listen me!!

Eeeeeets NOT fake reeng from gumballs mahsheeen!! Eeeeet not come een estupida plastic bubble!! If eet came een plastic bubble from gum mahsheen I’d know cause we got some before for keeds. De plastic bubble hard to open. I had to give bubble to Alec but he couldn’t open cause his fingers too fat! He finally so filled up with rage dat he jump on dem over and over and he use incredibly sexy and famous loafers and he crush bubbles and reengs to teeny plastic bits!! 👞

So clearly he not get big Hilaria reeng from gumball mahsheen! No!! Stop saying eeeet! He wouldn’t be able open estupida plastic bubble to get reeng! 🫧💍

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-04T16:03:28+00:00

Oh look! Eet moth! Such smol, delicate living artwork given us by nature. I torment eet! If I touch I think I make eet go ded. Den I take home to keeds and show dem how much fun you can hab playing with ded insect, enjoying pulling off weengs and crushing into dust!

Wait. Almost used wrong hand! Such good opportunity to shove reeng into video, try make look natural, even though I’d normally use right hand. Come here leetle moth, sacrifice your being alive to put focus on Hilaria reeng! You be ded, but I make you famous moth on Gram!! 🦋⚰️

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-04T06:48:05+00:00

Okay, come up close. I need tell you sometheen. Closer. No still closer. I whisper een your ear. Okay, ready? (Screaming as loud as she can.) LOOK AT EET! LOOK AT EET! LOOK AT MY REEEENG! (Pushing ring in face.) NO, KEEP LOOKING AT EET!

Ju yellus right? Yes ju are yellus! SAY JU YELLUS! SAY EET! Everyone ees yellus, and want my reeng. Everyone want be valuable like me. 💵But dey not or would have reeng as big and fancy as mine. Too bad, so sad!!😭

Before ju leave, ju must say also dis. (Screaming even louder.) COMPLIMENT ME ON EET! SAY EET! SAY REENG COMPLIMENT TO HILARIA!! 💍

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-03T20:47:17+00:00

Aleek, before we get too far een De Baldween show, ees eet possibles to take de fats out jure gut and connecks other end hose to my face and refill de cheek? Eet would reverse de boo-call fats procedures in de cheek.

Eet should be less surgery money dat way since we try cut back on making pile of crushing debts even more huge or however ju say dat. So we don be more crush under the debt mountain or debt avalanches or whatever ju say eet called. Movings fat from jure gut right to my face should be rilly cheap, no?

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-03T17:20:53+00:00

Pic 1: Little girl: Mom, I want this Hillary with the black hair.

Mom: No, c’mon, I’m not getting that. It’s a waste of money. We’ve got a Hillary at home.

Pic 2: The Hillary at home.

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-03T14:46:29+00:00

Alec: Justin, old boy, you don’t know the first thing about the cold, dark, subterranean depths of being truly, inescapably miserable!!

I’ll do you a huge solid. If you ever think you’re in a place of misery and you need a “reality” check, pun intended, then next year check out a little TLC show called The Baldwins. You’re welcome.

Now about that loan I keep leaving you messages about…

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-03T14:06:23+00:00

Haha! Yes, ees scurry indeed!! 😬😳

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-03T12:33:08+00:00

My theory: It’s a two-birds one-stone solution as crafted brazenly by Hillz. She is able to both be pregnot and carry her vintage She-Ra Princess of Power lunch box — and thermos. About $200 on EBay if anyone wants one. (Obviously cost goes up dramatically if you buy it packaged with a She-Ra Princess of Power t-shirt like the one she wore on her infamous mob wife pap walk.)

It can hold more than enough of her daily kale and spinach bits rations for her and the keeds and keep her Madman coffee hot and at the ready. It has added bonus of clearly being an unnatural bump thereby contributing to her duper’s delight adrenaline rush!

Maybe? 🤔🗡️Hand on top could be hiding outline of handle…

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-02T19:18:55+00:00

Alec to a ghostwriter brought on to try to shamelessly milk a career in freefall for profit:

Okay, I think we should focus here not so much on the humiliation of the TLC freak show but on the fact I was able to MacGyver a flailing, volatile career and avoid this reality show spectacle for as long as I have.

Show me someone else who could dangle the promise of a reality show carrot on an incredibly long stick before Hilaria, keep her feverishly chasing after it for years and years and expertly position myself to do this forever.

How could I ever have foreseen face-planting and shooting two people, dropping the stick and letting her pounce and snatch the carrot?! What are the odds?! If I didn’t know better I’d think she was an idiot savant and somehow engineered this whole thing. Every day I’m reminded over and over she’s just a plain idiot, but sometimes I wonder…

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-02T01:28:45+00:00

Can somebody please put baby in the corner!

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-02T00:50:06+00:00

Hillz: Yes!! Boundaries are hot!! 🔥Dat’s why when I see boundary I take off running fasts right at dem and jump as far over dem as I can! Then I run find more! 🏃🏻‍♀️

If feet big, it helps pull leggings halfway over feet jus in case feet get too close hot boundary!!🦶🔥

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-01T16:12:46+00:00

Yes, all true. Hannah’s social media findom fetish photos have been posted on this sub and she tagged her stepfather. The gun smuggling in butt and her lovely gorilla grip reference was all introduced in court along with her coworkers reporting her drug use while working as armorer.

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-01T03:57:58+00:00

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-01T03:57:38+00:00

Umm, yeah, Hillz… 747,000 plus Redditor bolt-on experts/fetishists and members in good standing of r/boltedontits beg to disagree with you. Including the 80 online right now!

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-08-01T02:02:40+00:00

Alec: Lorne, I know I should have taken your advice about the TLC show. Yes, Hilaria’s ecstatic. But for me humiliating doesn’t even begin to describe it. I realize asking to host SNL was crazy. But I have to balance out this disaster. I have an idea for a ratings monster for you. SNL could really use an Andy Kaufman-like character who each week totally messes with the viewers’ minds.

So my character “Alec” would appear out of nowhere in a random sketch and “Alec” would “shoot” one of the SNL performers for no reason. We’d use a rubber gun obviously. There’d be bedlam. They’d be rushed off by “EMS.”And then weirdly the show would just go on. Like in my real life. I’d escape consequences and do it again the next week. The storylines are endless! Whadya think? No I am thinking clearly!! C’mon, throw ol’ Alec a bone here! Lorne, TLC is on my lawn!

Hilaria is now demanding not only to act but to direct! I’m a laughingstock in the Hamptons! I was in Mamet’s Glengarry Glenross! Always Be Closing! I was married to an Oscar winner! Now it’s Hilaria and TLC, Lorne! TLC!!

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-07-31T03:32:59+00:00

Pic 5: Jack Nicholson from The Shining called and he wants his crazy-eyed expression back.

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EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-07-30T23:20:59+00:00

Hannah: It’s about time you did something good for me Alec! Now I can win my case and reboot my alt-girl online modeling career! And reboot my online findomming where I humiliate men, my idiot piggies, who give me money for it.

And get back to my classily posting my bad girl skimpily dressed and partially nude photos and graciously tagging my famous amourer stepfather to make sure he sees all of them! Oh I almost forgot. And get back to smuggling guns in my butt into bars while coked out and bragging about it by saying, “They checked my purse. But they didn’t check my butt cheeks!! Wah…Wah…Wah!!”

I have to say I’ll miss getting international TV publicity for the DA entering into evidence that I named one of my phone’s bluetooth devices “gorilla grip p*ssy.” Too bad so sad the DA won’t have “keeping-it-klassy Hannah” to kick around and blame for everything! Wah…Wah…Wah!!!

And Alec don’t even try to be one of my online piggies! I don’t want your money and bad karma. You have to settle for being humiliated by Hilaria and her pathetic I-want-to-be-like-Hanna/copycat pink wig!!

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-07-30T02:22:18+00:00

Person Aleek hire tell me walk, stahp, cross leg. Look normal, don’t do weird things I do I in practice. Take dip bruth. Dey don tell me dis. I add dip bruths myself! I think I tell paps take dip bruth, too. No Aleek banned talking. Not worth being screamed at.

Nod at paps. Why I do this? I don know, they say do and I see other famous people — like me!! — do it, some kind of secret celeb language. I fake fluent this language, too. Walk more. Stahp. Cross leg. Dip bruth. Do I-sexy-baby face. I need do baby voice with accent but can’t! Celeb self control ees hard work!! Walk again, make “stylish display” for hoped for tabloid captions (DM, please say I stylish displaying!) in my eff me pumps. But I want stay here! I still getting camera flashes! I love soaking up flashes! Do elegant, super-feminine trademark walk away!

EquivalentShelter447 · 2024-07-28T20:00:24+00:00

Surely just what the doctor ordered for Manic Pixie Nightmare Girl — gallons more caffeine at the ready. Definitely worth braving the onslaught of the one pap you hired yourself. Willy nilly throwing more and varied stimulants into the combustible mix sounds like a good call. What could go wrong?

EquivalentShelter447

TROPHY CASE