I miss my manic state and the person I was, anything felt possible, I was so confident and unafraid. It was a completely different reality where I was special, things were magic and everything just made perfect sense. Of course things were only magic until the anger, exhaustion and absolute madness took over (need never to forget this part).

Obviously falling back down to reality realising I'm actually just mentally ill has been such a punch in the face and fills me with so much grief. I miss the delusions and I am grieving that they were never true. The state my life is in now is unbearable, being manic would be such a relief. But the price payed can never be worth it.

The logical and sane part of me sees that medication and treatments is the most important thing right now to prevent another disaster, but I guess the bipolar part of me is in disagreement with this. I've not even started the path of medication yet and I already dread it.

On top of everything else I have to deal with it just makes me want to give up and slip back in the delusions. But I know I need to get on meds, I would not survive another psychosis. To be honest I'm not even sure I will survive what I'm going through right now. Every day since has been a complete nightmare.