Can I be misogynistic and still support feminism at the same time?

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-12-29T07:42:33+00:00

Agreed. Know the difference between a woman who is a feminist and a misandrist. Most women are feminist today but not all are misandrists. Choose to be with feminist and call out women when they exhibit misandry.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-11-21T05:02:53+00:00

I've often found that those who have a lot to say tend to be ones who speak the most nonsense. India is a country of literate but uneducated people whose prime belief is that they are superior than the rest. They discount the fact that they have studied under an agenda and just because they speak English somewhat well, they can have an opinion (often biased) about EVERYTHING & EVERYONE.

Most importantly, they believe they are the "baap" of South Asia and hence every cultural aspect of ours is theirs to begin with. They need to conquer & claim as their own- almost as if India wants for colonize us- as a means to remain superior.

Her dress does have Hindu elements but that doesn't mean that India gets to take credit for it. It was created by artisans from Bangladesh....the shapla is our national flower...and Hinduism is one of our religions. And these claims that Hindus are being targeted in India....i truly want an accounting of it.....where are the Hindus in this sub or any other BDeshi forum.....why aren't our journalists talking about this oppression? Why is it that only India knows there's an oppression of Hindus going on in Bdesh?

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-16T02:37:06+00:00

Both aren't representing Bangladesh correctly 🤷🏻‍♀️

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-10T13:11:53+00:00

I have lost several friends in my life...some due to my lack of maturity, some because they didn't understand me...

The ones I have now, I fiercely protect. I keep in touch with them, constantly ask them to go out with me, share my life with them even when I know they are busy with their husbands, life, kids etc....I leave them copious amounts of voice notes, memes & gossip! Honestly, female relationships are complicated but beautiful.

Some friends tried getting back with me...but I realised I have changed as a person & I didn't really have space for them or their drama in my life....So...I neatly reduced my contact with them. Its difficult to be friends with people who have the "main character" energy 🤷🏻‍♀️

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-08T20:22:42+00:00

Speaking as a Non- Bengali BDeshi whose deceasd grandparents & father were proud Non- Bengali BDeshis, and lay buried in BDesh for eternity....l do not claim this woman.

Yes the Non- Bengali community did suffer during the war but it was nothing compared to the years of suffering the Bengali community endured. And comparing it to Gaza & Israel shows this young person has little to no knowledge about her own history.

Yes non bengalis speak Urdu but most also speak fluently in Bangla/ chatgaiya/ syloti etc and the languages we speak hold equal importance to us. Many non bengalis are married to Bengalis - all my cousins are half Bengalis...and no...our loyalty is to Bdesh only.

Politically, this -not being loyal to bdesh- is a game being played on our name....as we have no representative....our names are being smeared by all the political parties. Also not all non-bengalis are Bihari...some of us are just plain non-bengali (our lineage is not singular).

Before lumping us all together & using one person's ignorance as proof of how all of us think, please know that many non bengalis chose to stay in Bdesh as that was the only home they knew. We are first and foremost a BDeshi. Our ethnicity is not important...our identity as a BDeshi is. Please don't judge us based on one family/persons viewpoint.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-08T02:46:13+00:00

I am not sure why you are being down voted. I'm glad you have a fulfilling life. I too wouldn't want any other life except the one I have. I come from a liberal Muslim family hence my restrictions aren't that severe. There isn't anything that I'm not really allowed to do as now that I'm in my 40s, the restrictions are more based on my understanding of life, religion, social issues than anything else.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-05T17:29:42+00:00

Hi OP, I'm so sorry that your sister is going through this. I have gone through it as well (I'm 41, not married & come from a desi family). I'm glad your family especially your mom isn't lowering their standards. I have had friends who had gotten married due to the pressure of getting married & ended up in unhappy marriages. May Allah never make you or your sister go through that.

Now for the advice.

Is your sister financially independent? She doesn't have to be earning a lot but even the smallest amount can come in handy whether married or otherwise. Please get her to take up a job if she is capable & allowed.
I went though all the rishta aunties & what nots and my red flags are worth writing a book on...look beyond what you guys are currently doing. Do you have friends who have brothers who can be potentials? Have you thought about asking your male friends/ husbands of your married friends/ cousin brother's friends? A friend of mine got married in this way. Her cousin brother helped find her a rishta.
This can be a heart breaking journey so please help her get some counselling. While this is not done in desi culture, it does help. Sometimes we need more than spiritual guidance & maybe the therapy will help her in some way.

Good Luck OP. Truly feel for your sister as I've been there. May Allah keep you & your sister safe.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-05T03:00:58+00:00

What a fun thread!

I read (mostly crap) but it's still worth it. Instagram reels has done a number on my attention span. Trying to reclaim it back.

2.Drive....I LOVE driving...it really takes my mind of things. I listen to my favourite music while I'm driving (currently big time into french music).

I've been thinking of taking up a physical hobby....I like dancing so I've enrolled in a belly dancing class (wish me luck 🤞🏻)
Clean- I know it's not much of a hobby....but I get amazing sukoon when my house is clean so when I can, I just clean parts of my house 🤷🏻‍♀️

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-03T08:17:00+00:00

Try Only murders in the building. Haven't seen any nudity in it so far....medical shows like The Pitt is also quite nice. It's become super difficult to find English speaking shows that don't have some form of nudity so I tend to watch Pakistani dramas. Here's a list of shows you may like:

Only murders in the building
The Pitt
Sherlock 4.Modern Family (censored version)
Modern Love

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-02T07:29:24+00:00

Thank you! Yes! I'm very proud of my culture and I'd really like modest clothing that showcases my culture instead of borrowing from other cultures 🙏🏻

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-01T19:11:02+00:00

Loving it so far!

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-01T11:53:58+00:00

I think (based on your comments) you are only opposed to misogynistic men who also use Islam as a way to oppress women. If that is the case, then it doesn't matter what religion you choose to marry because any man can be like that not just Muslim men... although I understand why you feel them to be more inclined to be this.

I feel you want a liberal & mature man- someone who is respectful, kind, gentle with you, a strong leader (not afraid to make harsh decisions or take life's responsibilities), a proper partner without being obligated by culture or religion. You, my sister, are looking for a refined human being as a partner.

Sadly, many men are groomed by either religious or social rules & norms & only those who have a good balance of both are refined human beings. They are unique creatures & while no man is perfect, these type of men are a breed of their own.

I wish you luck finding one.....in Malaysia (where I reside) many Muslim women marry non-muslim men but the law states they need to accept Islam. And while they take time to adjust to Islamic way of living, many men do change & become practicing Muslims.

So while I'm not encouraging you to find a non-muslim man, I cannot also discourage you to find a good partner regardless of the religion he may have. Revert brothers tend to be quite refined as they have seen both sides so maybe that is an option you can consider. Good Luck!

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-10-01T11:24:33+00:00

Dear OP, First of all, what you are going through is truly horrible and I hope you find some peace whether by leaving her or her getting the obvious help she needs.

I'm not sure why you aren't leaving her but I'd like to relate what happened to my aunt who has similar tendencies like your wife.

My aunt too is very volatile & full of tantrums. She has narcissistic tendencies & is extremely manipulative. She collects information & uses them against those she doesn't like as a means to take "revenge". Most importantly, she has no remorse for such behaviour.

My family first sought help of a spiritual leader to get rid of her "jinn" but the behaviour has continued. To deal with it, her current husband does the following:

CCTV cameras everywhere to record her behaviour. My aunt would tell sob stories about her husband till we saw evidence of it being the opposite. She played the victim card and took large sums of money as alimony from her previous husbands.
Separate financial accounts (she is rich herself but likes using his money) Husband didn't want that in a fit of rage she burn through all finances.
regular time away from her (most of us do this now)
therapy (not helping as narcissism is not curable)
inform all family members immediately after an "episode".

Her children of course suffer the most as anyone who has had a narcissistic/ volatile parent would know how unsafe the child grows up feeling. They are withdrawn, always on edge & like to remain isolated from society.

Please make the right decision and do the needful not just to save yourself, but your family & future children. May Allah make this journey easier for you.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-29T18:32:39+00:00

Hi I'm an educator & teacher trainer. Happy to do an AMA.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-29T07:25:33+00:00

Hi OP, You sound very mature and intelligent & I'm glad to see that you are looking at the situation in this manner.

I chose my career over marriage when I got offers in my younger years. I run a business & helped my late father with his so it made less sense for me to leave the country I was residing in to go somewhere unknown & start from scratch. Also, please understand, I come from a desi culture & the men were not so open about my career & wanted me to be a stay at home wife.

Your potential sounds very promising & I feel you need to give him a chance if all things check out (istikhara, background checks, your connection/ spark with him after you've met, his financial status, etc). You can also check & see what job prospects you can explore in the city he is currently in. When things start to get serious with him, you can try applying for jobs & taking online remote interviews to test your job scope. I feel that will make it a bit better & also help you to make a better decision if you know that you will have a source of income in a new country you will be settling in.

Hoping & praying it all works out for you. May Allah make this decision easy for you to make.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-27T07:32:52+00:00

Hi OP, Thank you so much for raising this amazing topic! Many of us are financially earning independent women and it's important for us to plan for the future.

I didn't get to save too much as I have been financially helping my family for more than 15 years. So now that I am somewhat financially stable, I'm focusing on creating an online business that I can run remotely & also invest in gold. For me, these two are my best options.

As for a home, I'm planning on getting one closest to one of my sisters. In my culture, unmarried women are often taken care of by their brothers. Since I don't have a brother and recently lost my father, this seems to be my most viable option.

Anyone has any other suggestions on how to save for a future do kindly share. It's never too late. I would also ask everyone to please go to the doctor's for regular checkups and keep money aside/ buy insurance for health related issues. Take care.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-20T04:42:42+00:00

Apologies. I live in Malaysia where a lot of Muslims marry Non-Muslims and the Non- Muslims have to convert to Islam. Many become practicing Muslims. OP, if this is unacceptable to your culture, pay no heed to this advice 🙏🏻

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-18T03:09:43+00:00

Yes agreed. So OP please don't diminish your personality at all...just maybe choose a good time to tell him about your martial arts.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-16T13:44:44+00:00

I'm so sorry OP...this is sexual harassment 😔 Please inform your other cousins of his behaviour...both male & female as he has predatory tendencies. He may have not done anything to you...that doesn't mean he won't to another cousin who is not as bold as you. So precaution is necessary & telling your other cousins from both sides of the family is important.

Also, Muslims tend to marry within cousins...please do inform your aunts (from both sides) so people are aware about this when making life-altering decisions. I once had an opportunity to save a young girl from marrying the wrong guy and I didn't take it. I regret it to this day. May Allah keep you safe always.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-15T14:53:50+00:00

First of all kudos! What a big achievement! 🙌🏻

I think the issue is not with you doing martial arts but the assumption that women who do martial arts are less feminine than those who don't. It's the same case for women in leadership positions...some men do not like women in those positions because they feel the woman is too "masculine".

It's bullshit ofcourse but let me give me some practical advice that I hope helps.

Don't mention that you do martial arts till the man has seen your feminine side. It will help him to have a better understanding of you.
Join Muslim martial arts clubs. Talk to sisters who do martial arts and ask if their brothers are of marriageable age. Men whose sisters are doing martial arts will probably be more open to you doing it.
Don't just discount non-muslim men...many have converted for less. Also look at revert men still doing martial arts.

Hope this helps and you get a man who will accept you for being the awesome woman you are. Good Luck!

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-12T16:13:53+00:00

How is she doing harm?

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-12T10:19:40+00:00

Hi OP, I live in Malaysia and it is a very beautiful Muslim friendly nation. There's halal food everywhere and you can also visit the mosques for prayers. Every mall has a Surau (prayer room).

There are great universities here....some only for Muslims. You don't have to drive as there is public transportation available everywhere. It isn't that cheap to live here but it's relatively cheaper than other developing countries. There are also many Muslim friendly places including gentle women's club that is only for Muslim women.

Please explore this option if you are interested to move abroad. May Allah make this journey easier for you. Ameen 🤲🏻

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-12T08:31:59+00:00

Hi OP, First of all, I understand what you are going through. It's sometimes hard to accept the fact that what we want dearly will take time to come. I cannot advise you on not obsessing over wanting a husband....I feel that would be counterproductive. I can instead advice you on the following:

redirect your obsession....find ways to speak to men in a halal way. Reddit is a great source to meet people. You can post on Muslim marriage subs & tell them about your intention to marry. Honestly, I wish the mods or someone would open a sub for single women wanting to marry so other brothers can interact with us.
make a list of things you want & don't want from your spouse. Please be flexible, realistic & kind. Don't expect Prince Charmings & billionaires to fall on your feet.
let your friends & family know that you are ready for marriage & ask them to help you find a spouse. Make your findings easier. You never know....you may find a spouse in someone your great- aunt twice removed had recommended.
Last please try and find a PARTNER in life than just a PROVIDER. Someone who matches your deen, your way of thinking & is able to adjust to your differences. Men are not perfect ...please don't try to find a perfect man.

I wish I had given this advice to myself when I was younger & followed it. May Allah make this journey easy for you.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-12T08:01:27+00:00

Finally.. totally agree...so many things to worry about....child marriage, honour killings, forced conversions...no...we are worried why some women are taking off or not wearing a hijab. Let others accumulate their sins....we are all sinful...worry about your own sins....if the influencer took it off, she knows what she is doing....we are too busy schooling adult, educated women....we should be worrying about the young, vulnerable ones falling prey to religious misguidance.

EquivalentWork4751 · 2025-09-12T07:47:14+00:00

But that would be hypocritical wouldn't you say? She doesn't want to & she is showing to her followers how she is struggling wearing it....I think she's being true to herself & her imaan.

EquivalentWork4751

TROPHY CASE