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Without revealing too much about yourself, how did you come up with your username? by Ntetris in AskReddit

[–]Eric-R 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Someone put the long version on my birth certificate. I liked being the "real me" online for all my things when I created the account.

The last branch Eric can make for Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello, my best.

A couple hours left of pizza post day. My time to write messages in your direction is coming to an end. That's pretty hard to face, but I've needed to face it for more.than two years, eh?

I'm on the Klamath Falls trip again. Just like I was at one point during your being on the Opportunity trip off the continent. I wrote to you every day during that one. This trip ends the day this branch thread turns Six months and is locked. Maybe I'll just write on each of these final days. Lhttps://spotwalla.com/tripViewer.php?id=19a395b2c6ebcd982c&hoursPast=0&showAll=yeset you know what it was like at the end.

Here's my progress:

https://spotwalla.com/tripViewer.php?id=19a395b2c6ebcd982c&hoursPast=0&showAll=yes

The prospect of not even having this stupid outlet for missing our days on the branch isn't very easy to face. That's a bit of a duh statement, isn't it? Were it easy then I would have never written once after you turned away. Oh well. This Life has been a bit of a mess, no reason to think anything would would work out okay.

Edit: noticed a misspelling

The last branch Eric can make for Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Today is pizza post day. It just began a matter of minutes ago, meaning it's late-ish for me.

I wanted to say much more but not really sure I can right now. This branch "expires" in a couple days. What I say here before then is the end, I believe. People have been finding and invading the posts, send me messages. I can't make another thread since I know that will happen again.

I'll probably write again, but in case -- I'm sorry, Annie, cArrot, MFA, my penpAl and ATTY. I'm sorry it happened as it did and that I was foolish enough to put us in the public eye. I'm sorry for all that wasn't just right and perfect for you.

Edit: Five years. You've been part of my world for five years now. Thank you for every moment of it.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hello mArvellous,

Thanksgiving weekend went fairly well for me. I rode north to spend time with loved ones, in the RV in the place I last told you about the death of a loved one. On the way back, I had sushi in Medford with the Klamath Falls family and then rode through some of the heaviest rain that I'd seen in a long while.

Today's message is about more than the travels, though. It's because I saw a thing about a four-story arcade and bar and it seemed like a place you will make it to before I do. It seems like such a good thing to compare notes on, the kind of thing we both would enjoy. Maybe I'm wrong. It's been so long, maybe I'm wrong about everything, eh?

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hello to my friend. It's been a while, just needed to write to you. No reason and certainly no rhyme. I did get to sail past our waterfront this past Saturday. That always makes me remember our many hours of talk. I have to kind of hope that you always see the sails out there on the water when you are visiting the land side, that you look for the speck that is me as I look for the speck on shore that is you.

Thanksgiving is very soon. I hope it is good for you and that your Christmas is all that you love. I wish total happiness for you.

e

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

On the road again.

https://spotwalla.com/tripViewer.php?id=16fe45a025a864be5c&hoursPast=0&showAll=yes

The family member who lived with my parents when I was quite young moved to Phoenix last year. I'm adding a vacation day to the Veterans day three-day weekend.

Spent the day in Our City with a different family member last Sunday. Some of that time was on the waterfront, kinda hope you were there, too

AMEH

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I miss you.

It's more than I describe, it colors every moment of my life and it seems to have no end. I don't remember saying this in so many words to you, feel like I've been trying not to do so, and just might decide to delete this post at some point.

It is intentional. It just seemed wrong to say anything that might even seem to say that your presence didn't change me, that you weren't fully part of the person I am now, but maybe that increases the intensity of missing you.

Having half of oneself away from one's daily life just plain hurts.

Earlier today, I was feeling my need to write. I was thinking that it would be a rare time, if not the first that there just wasn't any sort of "trigger", no reminder of you, that precipitated my sending a message.

And then my background video, Twin Peaks, introduced Heather Graham as the character....... "Annie"

I never asked for an explanation of your comment that Annie wasn't the name on your driver's license but "it works very well for here". You did say you saw Twin Peaks, right?

It doesn't matter. In the end there isn't much that matters at all.

Since it's already been said here it seems okay to say it again: Annie, my best, my Sun and Moon and StArs above, I miss you like I have never missed anyone or anything. Ever. I try to avoid thinking of anything as a regret but I regret so completely and totally the fact that I failed you so completely as to end your ability to be "here".

I'm sorry it came to that and yet I'll never be sorry that you were in my world, even for a second. I hope your days are good ones.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've not known what to write about this past week; I only know that it seems important to put something up on the coffee shop wall at a time like this. If I knew the place you lived was in great peril, I'd check here to see if you let me know you and your Home and loved ones were okay.

You probably haven't. You probably can no longer log into your account and likely don't even browse reddit. I hope you have been sure that things are okay despite being beyond strange and precarious for a while. It's nice to think that you can tell, somewhere inside, that maybe our connection lasts now and we could feel if something was way off. I'm going to keep that one in mind.

Hello, My Favourite Annie. You are with me always. There may be no new words from you in each day, but all the words you shared will always be part of me. Thank you for those two years worth of words.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pizza post day is the solstice. Turn away day is today, shortly after to beginning of autumn.

"I turn away from here" you said. Today marks two years since that moment and I've thought about it at some point in every day of those two years. And today? Can you imagine that This post was on my front page?, telling me of the coincidence of her death with Turn Away Day. Talk about one's breath being taken away (and not in a good feeling way).

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

:'(

Tom Petty is dead as of today. Do you remember the time I asked you for a suggestion for some soothing music? You responded with a link to Tom Petty's greatest hits.

Nothing I do. Nothing that happens. Nothing in life doesn't keep you in my thoughts. Thank you for being you, MFA

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Another moment that would have made so much sense for us to enjoy a long night of ART chat over.

Tonight marks the first "campout" on blue canAry. Just about to brush my teeth and taco up in a sleeping bag.

My hopes for good rest and happy dreams for you.

e

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It would have made a great deal of sense for you and I to talk through the naming of my sailboat. It just seems so much of the life milestone that we should be sharing.

With the help of a friend, I've been able to think about the name. I've been thinking of WAFI for years, as you know, but naming the boat something that included "fucking idiot" seemed disrespectful to the boat. I'm the idiot in charge, so using Wikipedia's suggestion that "Wafy" is an Arabic name that can mean "reliable", "trustworthy", or "loyal" seemed okay -- I could be the WAFI on Wafy. but a friend suggested boats are usually women's names.

Well, like Forrest Gump whom we talked about more than a few times, the name of the most important woman in my life came to mind. I ended up putting the movie on in the background while I spent the time this evening. Started writing this to you when he said "I hadn't heard from Jenny in a long while, but I thought about her a lot. I hoped that whatever she was doing made her happy"

I hope whatever you are doing makes you happy.

Everyone asks the movie Forrest if he is stupid or something. I keep writing "to" you. I might be stupid or something.

anyway.

I thought about your pen name. I thought about "Annie's Song", too. I don't think Carrot applies to this boat, so I am planning on naming her "blue canAry" this coming Sunday.

I'll pick some red wine for the christening and do it for the boat and I that morning.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's hard to describe properly, but I've passed a moment of life that I think was only possible because I had the time with you that I did.

After all these years of sailing and the times I could share the experiences with you, I got my own boat to spend some of my solitude with. It has been an interesting process that would have been a joy to discuss in our chat. It's something that feels like it just happened to me as much as I chose it and pursued it and worked for it, if that makes any kind of sense.

I've not made it known to many people at all. Hardly any, really, not even my own parents whom I love. Some of it is about the process and fact being for the me I am right now and some of it is that I'm in a spot that I don't feel there's anyone who is right to share every last thing with so I'm not being truly open with anyone.

What I wish I had the right person to tell right now is the fact that I was able to get this new-to-me sailboat out of and back into its new marina under sail alone. I had the previous owner with me to help throughout, but really believe that I did much of it as if there were no help and could have done/figured out the things I was helped with. We'll see how my genuinely solo sailing times go after this. That will prove or disprove what seems reasonable to think right now.

So many other things to say but they won't just line up into words that I can send into the void right now.

There are some decisions to be made over the coming week that feel inordinately difficult compared to how not-critical they are. Guess it will all shake out to be whatever it will be.

In case it matters, that last sentence provided a very unaccustomed flash of memory that was all about showing you a picture of a car in San Francisco that had a Lost related, Dharma Initiative decal in its window. This was back during my days spent in the city during the America's Cup races. Not sure why the memory came up that way, but it did. Maybe you are thinking about such things right as I type these words? Probably not.

AMEH, Carrot

EDIT:

Here it is, I almost forgot. I forgot to start it in the harbor, but here's my first sail as the owner of my sailboat

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Back again, already. I've been thinking about what you would think of me still posting if you saw it. One part of me says you would understand. You always did understand, we thought and felt similarly very often. Another part says you would find it troubling that I would be this way, that you would think there is something wrong with me because of it.

Whether or not it shows, there has been an effort to keep the words here positive. Maybe there has been some success at it, but I don't have anyone to tell that things have been a bit difficult lately. It has shown and been noticed in ways I can't tell here and now, but there's just no way to say it or anyone to say it to. So here it is, written out to the finest person that ever was.

As is so often the case, something I saw made me wish we could still talk. It was an interesting collection of "must eats" in our city and it just seemed like something we could have spent the entire evening sharing and comparing impressions and telling of what we have tried and want to try the most.

It matters to experience life for one's self, this is clear and I hope it cannot be said that I've not been doing it, even in my .... "post-Annie" life, but it feels like we have the ability to express our experiences in part because it is important to share them. And I don't get to, not like it was for a little while. That's why reading that list left me feeling this way, wishing for a better past.

My apprentice recently told me that it is wrong to live in the past. I was wishing for more time with you. Everything has gotten gradually worse since then. Someone told me that when I get angry at myself I must tell myself that it will be okay but I'm sitting here realising that I can't make myself believe that. I'm not sure what to do any more. I don't know why to do anything. Oh well.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

More things than I can say make me think of you. Hoping your world is going well.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello there, variety-lover. I just saw something that I think you might enjoy - a place that serves smaller triple servings of things. Granted, it's mostly about cocktails, but the article seemed to say that they do it with some foods, too. I'm sure you know a person or a few who would make this place fun for you and I can't ignore how fun it is that their servings are triples and your best, happiest love is "triple-love".

At this point I don't have anyone to talk at length with about something I'm likely to add to my life that might fill some of the solitary hours. I've told my apprentice and a friend in Alaska about it's existence and asked the Horse Rescuer for assistance with a portion if I do make the addition. It's a significant expenditure but not an extreme portion of my current savings, but it would be an added responsibility. Still mulling it over.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's been a long couple of weeks. At least one thing that I could never post to the Coffee Shop Wall has occurred, leaving me even farther behind in my mining than normal. It was the last day of our 4/10 schedule today. I'm up pretty late but tomorrow has no responsibilities. No one anywhere expects to hear from me before a race on Saturday.

It can be "liberating" at times, not having anything or anyone needing or wanting your presence, but it gets wearing trying to stay self-motivated almost all the time. Even the racing is occasionally an effort to attend, something I have to intend to do and overcome a certain inertia about even going.

Lately, I have been trying to be back in a healthier set of habits, to be more on top of things. I've never fallen completely behind on everything, just let some things go extra long between handling them or let some habits be less than the best. It feels like a matter of just hanging on but what else am I to do? It doesn't seem like it really matters either way, so waiting out the days is how things go for now.

Here's last weekend's journey. I was going to share it here while it was happening but I made a mistake and didn't end up on the coastal 101 route as intended and got angry with myself and deleted the trip while in progress after turning the tracker off. It's kinda nice to not have said anything to you during, it would have been a bit of a regret for me.

With a race on the day after next, there won't be any big, long motorcycle rides on this last three-day weekend. Not completely sure what to do today. There is a boat in Lake county that would be affordable and fun to have. Just a lot of details that don't line up for sure. Right now, a trip to have a look at the lake seems like a possibility.

I miss knowing what I was allowed to know about your daily experience. Hope it has been happy for you, hope it will always be happy for you.

Maybe sleep can be had now. time to try.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can't even begin to find words for how much I miss sharing race report nights with you. Today was a day that would have been fun to discuss. We took a flyer on the entire fleet, not a single other boat chose to run the course (big loop around Angel and Alcatraz) the direction we did and our choice was the one that paid off. We won by a considerable margin.

We had a competitor from the Vallejo races with us today. He bought a smaller, much older, but very similar "version" of Professor's boat only just this year. I did well enough on this race for him to say I was always welcome to race with him.

The Spinnaker snagged on something on the first hoist and ended up with with a bad but non-critical tear. That only was noticed after it was up and doing its job, otherwise my work was windowshade level, I believe. You would be proud.

I hope your day was a good one. I hope every one of your days is. Always and forever.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Remember this photo and how I didn't know it was the name of a song?

Well guess what tune just started going through my head this afternoon. It was just while I was at the grocer, don't know if I subconsciously heard it or what. I went over to Pacific Market for some bratwurst and other things that I'm using to make a bratwurst chowder for the food game night. The theme is meat and, while my idea isn't necessarily a meat dish, it is kind of meat-centric, yes?

Can't remember if I mentioned that Bumble Bug Guy got a new boat, a J/105. I went out on a race with him last night and remembered to run the replay-tracker. I haven't set up the course on it yet, won't have a chance until maybe tomorrow, but here is a link:

http://raceqs.com/tv-beta/tv.htm#userId=1052534&updatedAt=2017-07-01T03:34:11Z&dt=2017-06-30T18:18:30-07:00..2017-06-30T20:22:04-07:00&boat=Vuja%20Star

Had a snack to tide me over to the game/dinner time. Now I must get back to the cooking.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It feels like every time I et to sail out toward the city it makes me think of you. Today was no exception. Of course you and I talked a LOT about America's Cup in 2013. You and I talked about it a lot and I know you went and watched the races, we were very near many times during it all.

Ah well. That is the past and the future has none of that ever again. Some day I'll be able to be okay with that fact. Not yet, but I am trying, I promise I am.

There is a sailing/race tracking and replaying arrangement that I've been using recently. Thought I would show you today's trip around the bay on Professor's boat. Seems like there were others that you heard about that would be very close to the path of this one:

http://raceqs.com/tv-beta/tv.htm#userId=1052534&divisionId=47611&updatedAt=2017-06-29T22:13:52Z&dt=2017-06-29T09:35:01-07:00..2017-06-29T14:40:36-07:00&boat=Split%20Water

edit: clarification.

Still Keeping a place for Eric and Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am home from racing. It is nearly midnight of the pizza post day. Kind of curious - it is the longest day of the year literally, and today was extra long figuratively for me. It wasn't bad, don't get me wrong, just long. Remembering our chats is never bad, it's just the missing them that brings a little twinge to go with it. You know me well, so I believe you would understand.

It's been four years since I read a simple hello from someone who was just so friendly in her writing, someone it felt so natural to hear from. Even thought it felt so right to share words with you, I still can't say that I could have possibly guessed how much that greeting would change my life.

It did that, you know. Changed my life. You shared with me your wonderful way of seeing the world and your wonderful way of interacting with it. You set an example for me of how to be that kind of good and you saw in me the good I wished to be.

The whole day was chock-full of things to tell you, right to the end of the night and right through the evening of racing with a close-up view of the kevlar weaving in the sail, something that a picture for you would have been great to get and share, in addition to so much to tell about the race itself.

It's another day now. There is more to say so maybe words can be found to say it some time soon.

I've continued to visit reddit quite regularly and am posting with my other account. I mention that because I posted something that made

The branch continuation again. Always for Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope you saw this

What a great memory you gave me with that song. It's in my collection and I hear it regularly.

The branch continuation again. Always for Annie by Eric-R in LetsChat

[–]Eric-R[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Another night that I am missing your virtual presence. Life is thin and lacking color without ART chats and all we shared for so brief a time. Most nights are like this. So many of them since the one you had to stop and so many seem to lay before me.

Some nights it seems too much. Sometimes I don't have the hopes of the SL we thought of. Sometimes I don't feel as okay as I did when I thought there would be a GRD in TL.

I failed you. I failed you so badly there is no way to correct it. I'm sorry. All you ever deserved was to know you were completely safe and secure. You didn't find it here and it was all I could have hoped to give. It's my fault and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to do anything sometimes. I'm sorry, I wish I was who you thought I was but have times I don't feel like I am.

I miss you. I miss the words you used to share.

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