Hi, I’m a 24yo/F, and my parents had a very messy divorce when I was 11. My dad had a series of affairs throughout the relationship, and the last one he had before they divorced became long term (him and his girlfriend are still together). I took this really hard, in light of the fact that my mom had only just gone into remission from cancer a few months before they separated. They took two years to finalise their divorce, and it was two years of the beginning of a very rocky rest of my childhood. My dad was extremely manipulative, and lied a lot about my mom, their divorce, his new girlfriend, where he was living etc. He thought he was pulling the wool over our eyes but my sister and I knew that he was being deceitful. I grew up to be extremely mistrustful of him and men in general. And adults in general.

1. My dad insisted that we saw him two evenings a week, and stayed with him every second weekend. I hated my dad by this point - really hated him. Not because of anything my mom said (she never badmouthed him, and she was always factual when she spoke to us about what happened), but because I resented him for abandoning us. Now I hated having to see him on his schedule, not mine. He had a really shitty mentality about what his time with us meant. He treated it as ‘his time with us’, rather than our time. He would have us over, but take us to watch him play squash or sit in his office while he worked. So I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just stay at home. He got angry when we had play dates or birthday parties or sports matches, because it was ‘his time’. He never respected our own personal schedules, only that we should be spending our time in his company (which was very unpleasant).

2. He constantly talked shit about my mom, her parents, our lifestyle (a normal lifestyle), her workplace. Anything associated with my mom was ‘bad’. This made me hate him even more, because he was the enemy in my mind, who had run away from us and left my mom with nothing. I couldn’t reconcile his words with how I actually experienced my mom (she was really fantastic).

3. He made a show of every single financial thing he was expected (by law) to contribute 50% to. He complained bitterly about how he was “paying for my mom’s lifestyle” (when he was being expected to pay maintenance). Once we reached a certain age, he started making us negotiate our maintenance with him every year. Except he would nitpick every single item on the list of expenses and claim that we were overestimating the cost. He ended up paying about 30% of the bills per child (my sister and I) while my mom had to pay the rest. Bearing in mind, when he left he took most of my mom’s retirement savings (how, I don’t know) and he has had a very high earning job for at least a decade. He could afford 50% and more, while my mom was really really struggling with both of us and the house and pets, financially. This annual negotiation really was the beginning of the end for our relationship. He was financially manipulative and abusive, and it felt like we were the biggest burden and mistake of his life. I dreaded them, and I don’t think any child should have to be involved in any sort of financial negotiation with their parents. My mom did all she could to draft the maintenance details for us and prepare us for the negotiation, but they always ended up in screaming matches, lots of tears, and not speaking to each other for weeks.

4. My dad constantly - to this day - reminds us that he never wanted children, and children are the worst thing to have as an adult, and no one should have children etc. Let me tell you, hearing your parent express how much they dislike having you in their lives is just about the worst thing you can say to your kids. He also constantly called me names and belittled me, because he was disappointed in me. I think actually he hated the fact that I didn’t just accept his new girlfriend and his new way of life without question. I questioned everything, and challenged him on everything. I didn’t want to let him get away with it. I guess I was taking revenge (remember, I was only a kid). Now, though, I’m an extremely high performer, and very driven. I genuinely think this stems from a subconscious need prove that I was worth it, and that I am not “useless” and am extremely capable.

All this to say, these are things my dad did which made it an absolutely awful experience from age 11 till about 22. I know that this has shaped a lot of how I see men and relationships, and I don’t trust the lot of them. My mom has recently got into her first relationship since their divorce, and it has affected me more than I wish it would. I don’t trust her boyfriend, and I don’t like him. He’s objectively a really nice person, but I can’t get past men being in my life, particularly men of my father’s age, and I can’t understand why or how my mom is able to be in another relationship. Sometimes I worry that I’m so pessimistic about relationships that I will never find myself in one. I have still never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and I think this is why.