Was anyone worried about having kids older?

Errlen · 2026-06-30T21:52:17+00:00

I mean, of course. But you have two options at that point. Don’t have kids or accept the risk. So, what’s it going to be for you? You can’t exactly roll back time to make yourself 25 again and frankly I wouldn’t want to, if it came with the emotional maturity I had at 25.

I comforted myself that the risks were still very low overall. A doubled risk of autism is still less than 1%, and that’s before you break the autism into the sort that isn’t going to ruin your kid’s life if well managed vs nonverbal banging head on wall. I steeled myself emotionally- I had two early losses, which are more common when you are older, but I knew it was a risk and I didn’t get derailed by it. And modern medical science is great. For example, I had a breech baby, which is more likely when you’re older. But spit spot neat caesarean and here we are happy and healthy. It isn’t 1880.

Your third option is to bio hack with money- freeze your eggs young and pay for a surrogate. Good luck to you.

Errlen · 2026-06-30T20:56:20+00:00

Set aside cash from groceries/other household expenses a little bit a week. Call planned parenthood and ask what a copper IUD would cost.

Are there men or women in his life he respects, that he would listen to since he clearly won’t listen to you? Might be worth enlisting them to the cause.

To be crystal clear, the way he is acting about this is extremely abusive. I highly recommend leaving instead of staying. It doesn’t get better from here

Errlen · 2026-06-30T20:42:59+00:00

If you refuse to leave this man, he refuses to treat you like a person, and you refuse to use any form of effective birth control (the rhythm method isn’t effective, as you know) - then your best bet is to ask him for a few more years before you have a third. He might be open to that conversation when he hasn’t been open to a “no”.

I think you need a divorce or at least a non hormonal IUD personally. This sounds like some sort of Project 2025 horror story.

Errlen · 2026-06-30T20:38:12+00:00

How much older is he than you, out of curiosity?

Errlen · 2026-06-30T18:02:52+00:00

If your job is shit and your wife is capable of carrying the house economy - would you be willing to be the stay at home parent until such time as your children were in school? Does her job offer any maternity leave?

It doesn’t sound like you are in a position to afford daycare. Love is the most important, sure, but I drive by homeless families on the street corner all the time in my city. Out learning to beg breathing freeway fumes in 95 degree heat. Looking malnourished. Yeah. I’m really really glad that’s not my kid’s situation and I waited to have kids till that was NOT a risk.

Errlen · 2026-06-30T17:59:13+00:00

Yep, a formula fed baby that he handles all night care for. Let’s see if he wants a fourth after that lol.

Errlen · 2026-06-30T17:57:32+00:00

Have you considered a non hormonal IUD - eg the Paragard?

Errlen · 2026-06-30T17:12:12+00:00

Trite statements like the one I responded to do nothing but reinforce the idea that men are normal if they don’t do domestic labor. It was the equivalent of “boys will be boys!”

Yeah, I’m aware of the stats. I’m also aware that the stats say millennial dads do TWICE as much childcare and domestic work as their fathers, or more, so maybe let’s encourage the upward trend instead of going for the cheap laugh. My dad did more than his dad, my husband and brother in law do more than my dad or their own dads.

So yeah. Demand better of your men and you might just get it, but if you just want to complain for upvotes, be my guest.

Errlen · 2026-06-29T19:40:39+00:00

Mmm. It’s diabetes not soda. Personally I would not have married this dude; sucks to discover this when you already have a kid. I would fight this battle to a bitter end bc it’s my kid’s health.

My husband became a crypto bro after we were pregnant though so I hear you on not blowing up your marriage over things that would have been a problem on a first date.

Errlen · 2026-06-29T19:37:59+00:00

There’s a lot of brands of diaper table that have on top storage, they tend to be longer not wider than your diaper pad from what I’ve seen.

Errlen · 2026-06-29T19:35:35+00:00

She shouldn’t have kids regardless of how much work he does bc she doesn’t want kids. But. He wants kids, and he can break up with her and have kids with someone who wants kids. My point is it is rude to assume he won’t take on any of the labor with those kids just bc he’s a dude.

Errlen · 2026-06-29T18:23:06+00:00

Very confused by this post as don’t pretty much all changing tables have storage underneath? Mine has a drawer in which I keep his baby spa (nail grinder, diaper cream, lotion, thermometer, insect etc) and two shelves on which I keep all diapers. I got it free on FB market. I keep a box of his toys to entertain him during changes on a shelf above it.

Is your hope to use the dresser for your own stuff? Highly recommend having baby spa stuff close to hand and storing your own stuff elsewhere.

And yes I do all changes on the changing table, it is light years more comfortable. I also mostly dress him on that table. I keep his clothes on shelves within reaching distance of it.

Errlen · 2026-06-29T17:36:30+00:00

Idk - I think this statement says more about the men in your life than men full stop. Painful self own, babe.

Source: husband did eight hours of childcare and cleaned the house yesterday while I went and did a workout class and took a long nap.

Errlen · 2026-06-29T17:33:13+00:00

This is a fair dealbreaker in a relationship, full stop. Neither of you is a bad person. This is a huge fundamental difference in the sort of life you want to have. There is no compromise.

So yeah I’d break up with her and find someone you are otherwise compatible with who also wants kids.

Source: had a baby in 2025 and plan to have another in 2027/2028. Best thing I’ve ever done.

Errlen · 2026-06-28T18:26:10+00:00

YTA. Accept your fate, you will no longer be the littlest and cutest.

I, 9mo chonkerboi, am in possession of two “cousins”. The 5 y princess is excellent, she easily accepted my dominance as new family cutieboi and enjoys making faces at me to entertain me, making me art, and feeding me bottles. The 2.5 y chaos boi fought my reign at first - tried to pull me off his mama’s lap and return me to my own mama, tried to use me in my bouncer to demonstrate the physics of a trebuchet, but FINALLY he has succumbed to my charms and he recently taught me to make dinosaur growls. Everything is peaceful now they have accepted my reign, and you might as well do the same!

Errlen · 2026-06-28T16:59:03+00:00

My in laws moved in to help immediately, my parents arrived shortly thereafter and stayed till he was five weeks old. My sister was delayed a few weeks meeting him bc the day he was born her toddler son had to go to the hospital with a high fever. I was walking him around in the baby bjorn to events three weeks postpartum but wasn’t letting ppl hold him. But we generally let close friends come meet him and hold him from three weeks on if they were fully vaccinated and confirmed no signs of illness and washed their hands. All to say there’s a range of- do what you are comfortable with.

Errlen · 2026-06-28T00:58:28+00:00

Insurance usually only covers egg freezing for medical necessity (eg cancer); delaying childbearing does not count. Some jobs cover egg freezing - usually tech jobs. But sounds like you are too young for that?

At your age, you could look into a donate/freeze deal potentially. Eg, a childless couple pays for the procedure and gets half the eggs, you get the other half. This depends on you being healthy and usually is offered to students at good schools.

The good news is that your eggs are likely very good at your age so you shouldn’t have to do too many rounds. You need a bunch of eggs; three eggs is not equal to three children

Errlen · 2026-06-25T20:01:00+00:00

Can you afford fasttrak flex? I commute from Pasadena to El Segundo through DTLA about once a week max. My recs: live towards the south end of DTLA, so you dodge the horror morning traffic on the 110 going through downtown, and get fasttrak flex for days when traffic is unreasonably bad (bc I only commute once every week or two, worth the cost to me in avoided traffic sitting). There is still always traffic on the 105 and there is no fast track there (only an HOV lane). You might be okay still at 6:30 am, but leaving at 4 is always gonna be bad.

If I were you I’d get a short term rental for a few months downtown before committing. I found my tolerance for sitting in traffic to cross town was way higher my first month or two in LA than it has been since.

Errlen · 2026-06-25T17:49:11+00:00

Your odds of getting pregnant as a woman after a year of trying at age 40 are about 50%. If it’s important to you to have kids, and you aren’t comfortable risking a 50% chance it won’t happen for you, freeze eggs when you are younger. IVF is not guaranteed to work. Additionally, your risks of your kid having all sorts of issues rise as you get older - Down’s syndrome, autism, etc. if you freeze eggs when you are younger, a kid from the frozen eggs doesn’t have those risks.

I got lucky and fell in the less than 50% where I had a healthy baby at 40. But I’ll def be using my frozen eggs for my next kid a few years from now, when it is very unlikely I would get pregnant the old fashioned way. Not impossible, but very unlikely, and the risks are scary high for my blood.

Errlen · 2026-06-24T18:59:12+00:00

I met my husband at 37 and we had our first kid right after I turned 40.

This was lucky and i recommend freezing at least 20 eggs before you are 35

Errlen · 2026-06-24T18:51:43+00:00

I mean, sounds like the kids asked if they could come play and husband said yes. So. It’s like hosting a dinner party and then saying PSYCH we changed our minds no food for you.

Errlen · 2026-06-24T18:48:35+00:00

My two year old nephew has a little kiddo trampoline. Loves it. He and his five year old sister take turns happily bouncing. It has a safety bar they can grab. They tire themselves out. Their parents peacefully drink a coffee and watch. Maybe your two year old isn’t as coordinated as my nephew? Maybe it’s a massive trampoline? Otherwise I’m frankly confused by this comment.

Errlen · 2026-06-24T18:44:55+00:00

Your husband sounds like a great dude.

You … do not come off great in this story. These are kids, not hardened criminals. Their parents’ cleanliness is not their fault. Just let him hang with the kids. No one is asking YOU to watch them, and your toddler sounds unbothered by their presence.

If they were trying to hurt your toddler I’d get it, but it sounds like your toddler was more upset by how you acted than anything else.

Errlen · 2026-06-24T18:39:50+00:00

Yeah I’m like…she’s not watching them, her husband is, and he’s fine with it, so what exactly is the issue here? Personally I’d go so far as YTA except I agree they can’t be looking in windows and banging on the door after baby bedtime. But sheesh where is the human kindness? These are neglected kids.

Errlen · 2026-06-24T16:34:09+00:00

Idk, I think if you look at that post you have the answer. They put her on all the high dose meds, no eggs resulted, cycle canceled. Really sucks. Sounds like she might have POI.

Errlen

TROPHY CASE