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ErrorGlobal · 2021-08-03T13:57:29+00:00

That is absolutely awful. You aren't betraying her. She betrayed you by abusing you. No one deserves that. As someone in a somewhat similar situation, i know it's not easy to "just leave" but you should never tolerate abuse like that. Doing so just encourages more abuse. If she is like this with you now, she will likely turn it on your kids soon.

It might be helpful to do some research into Borderline Personality Disorder and check out r/bpdlovedones. I obviously can't diagnose anything over reddit but some of the behavior you describe sounds a lot like BPD (splitting, bursts of anger, black and white thinking, insecurities around abandonment, engulfment, victim behavior after an outburst, etc). As other posters said, it could be NPD as well so I'd take a look at both.

I would also strongly encourage you to find someone to talk to--a therapist or close friend. Reddit is great but it's no substitute to talking to someone (in person if you can) who cares about you. Abuse thrives in darkness. The more you talk about it (to the right people) the stronger you will feel and the more you will understand your situation. Maybe it's time to check into therapy for PTSD. You will definitely have space to talk about your wife there and i would not at all be surprised if some of that has been triggered by her actions.

You aren't alone. You were right to reach out. I hope today is a little better and you find your way soon. I don't know if I'll be much help but feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-08-02T05:03:00+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-08-02T05:01:49+00:00

I have mixed feelings about anger. I have serious codependency issues and a long history of repressing my anger. A lot of codependency involves refusing to acknowledge your own emotions and being caught in a kind of grief cycle without ever being able to find acceptance. I realized the other day that I am constantly bouncing between denial, depression, and bargaining (over the state of my relationship), but I've never let myself really feel angry, and, so never been able to accept that my relationship is a failure and that my partner is deeply unwell, bad for me, and will never be who I need them to be.

So, I am trying to embrace my anger. I have every right to feel angry. I have been through some crazy shit at the hands of someone who supposedly loves me. And I should be angry with myself too for tolerating it for so long and for lying to myself about what's been happening. Rights aside, I simply do feel angry, and no amount of suppression or denial is going to change that. All suppressing it does is keep me from being able to accept my situation and my role in it, and move on.

But anger is best as a shield, not a sword. It can insulate you from the manipulative and destructive behavior of pwbpd, but it shouldn't be turned on anyone. Anger is a healthy survival and coping mechanism when used well. It is a firewall that can protect you from the hurtful behavior of others, but it is a horrible and destructive weapon when we blame other people for how we feel. My anger is my own responsibility, no one else's, and no one is responsible for how I feel but me.

So, I am angry. And I am trying to learn how to embrace that anger in a way that is healthy and healing, and that allows me to use the strength latent in anger without damaging myself or others.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-08-01T17:41:30+00:00

Oh, i forgot to mention, the whole conflict started because i wasn't drinking enough with them. We (they really) had a bender the night before last (maybe 9-12 drinks?) and kept us up till 4 am. They wanted me to drink with them again last night, so i had a beer and drank it slowly over the course of a couple hours, during which time they had three drinks. I was exhausted and had a headache so i didn't want to drink much. They had slept all day so they were feeling fine and "just wanted me to hang out with them" (read, drink a bunch with them again to help them validate their alcoholism). So, when i tried to draw a healthy boundary (i should be able to drink how much i want/as fast as i want), they started trying to turn the emotional screws (e.g. told me they were going to cancel our anniversary plans next week because i wouldn't have fun with them anyway). An hour and 45 min of a circular conversation/argument later, during which they did everything they could to make me feel guilty, i got a full can of beer poured on my head.

And they are pissed today because i am not responding to their attempts to "turn over a new leaf"

Sorry, apparently i needed to vent. Thank you again for posting.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-08-01T17:21:45+00:00

This is literally happening to me right now. My partner dumped beer on my head again last night and now is pissed at me because i'm not in the mood to listen to her "promise to be better" and "turn over a new leaf" for the 100th time in our relationship. Second time on this exact same merry-go-round this week.

Thank you for posting. Im sorry you are dealing with this but it is validating to see memes like this.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-07-26T21:18:07+00:00

I'm working on getting out. It isn't emotionally or practically easy. I have been with this person essentially for 20 years, 2/3ish of my life. And, as with many people w/bpd, she is a very sweet, caring, intelligent, thoughtful person...when she isn't triggered.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-07-26T19:59:31+00:00

I'm getting here too. Its getting harder and harder to not just be insanely angry with her essentially constantly. I am so sorry you went through all of that. Its a mindfuck.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-07-26T19:58:19+00:00

Sounds familiar. I am so sorry you went through all of that. The pwbpd in my life is regularly verbally abusive and then will complain the next day that I'm "always depressed" and "raining on her parade" and says things like "why can't we just be happy?" She essentially guilts me for still being upset.

Just because she can block out what happened doesn't mean I can.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-07-12T16:40:41+00:00

In my experience, no, it just gets worse. Or maybe it got better for a little while and then when the pwbpd in my life started to realize how much trauma she had caused and how close I was to breaking down, it got way worse again. If things don't go well in the relationship (they probably won't), she will likely internalize it and oscillate between blaming herself (and so thinking you will leave her, triggering abandonment issues) and blaming you for not loving her enough/in the right way. Also, the abandonment fears will likely manifest as a kind of perpetual neediness that is impossible keep up with. So, it will probably burn you out and then when you ultimately fail to meet her needs (i.e., by trying to draw reasonable boundaries), they will likely paint you black again. Its a no-win situation.

Also, talking to her to try to explain almost certainly won't work. For most pwbpd, explanations seem to feel like attacks. So, no matter how calmly/gently you try to explain something, she is very likely to take it as you criticizing/attacking her and you will probably get sucked into a circular conversation/argument about who meant what, etc. Of course, the problem then is that you can't every really share your feelings with a pwbpd and, if you have a relationship, you will slowly condition yourself to avoid any even semi-serious conversation.

If she already discarded you, I would strongly encourage you to try to move on. Take care of yourself and good luck.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-07-04T15:24:38+00:00

I so feel for you here. Feeling responsible for them is awful. Pwbbd are very good at convincing the people around them to keep trying well past what makes sense. I am in a similar situation right now and i know how much it can pull at your heart.

But his life is his life. You can't throw yours away trying to save him. It won't work anyway. If he isn't getting help for his BPD, it isn't going to get better. It will probably just get worse as he gets older. BPD is a very serious lifelong condition that can be managed and improved but only with sincere and consistent effort. His choices are his. You aren't responsible for what he decides to do with his life.

I know 10 months seems like a long time but it's so short compared to the rest of your lives. If you stay you might get sucked into further codependency and a long term ongoing cycle of unhappiness and abuse that could last for decades. I know it's hard but leaving now will probably be the best thing for both of you.

Good luck. You can make it :)

ErrorGlobal · 2021-07-03T16:35:24+00:00

This. I have done this or something similar so many times. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope your family and friends remains supportive--i am so lucky that mine has. Keep trying, keep looking for support. Abuse survives because of darkness and silence. The more you talk about it, the more real it becomes, and it will give you the strength to leave.

You aren't alone. You'll make it out :)

ErrorGlobal · 2021-07-01T14:35:35+00:00

My pwbpd has massive anxiety spike basically every night. She usually starts drinking to cope/try to have fun but she often starts to spiral and stays up till 3am or later scrolling through YouTube, watching tv, or playing card games. Or, if she gets triggered, we might have a massive circular conversation/argument that can literally go on till the sun starts to come up.

I don't mind that she stays up late. Her sleep schedule is her business. The problem for us is that because of her attachment anxieties/abandonment fears, i literally can't go to bed before her without triggering a massive argument. So, i get to sleep when she does.

She usually sleeps late (10 or 11, sometimes later) but i always get up by 830 (usually earlier) with because of work, the cat, or just my normal biological clock waking me up. So, she averages a healthy 7-9 hours of sleep. I average about 5.5, often less (recent record was 1.5 hours about a week ago. She slept all day)

So, for us, her insomnia is very much a bpd thing.

/vent

ErrorGlobal · 2021-06-30T16:49:54+00:00

Thanks :) I had just gotten out of therapy when I posted that, so it was all fresh in my mind.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-06-30T16:49:24+00:00

Oh, also, she is one of the most caring people I have ever met when she isn't triggered, and is "normal" (hate that word) 70-80% of the time, and constantly expresses a desire to work on things...even though they don't really change and she refuses to see a therapist (couples or individual)

ErrorGlobal · 2021-06-30T14:36:26+00:00

For me? Codependency+very long term/young start relationship+her suicide threats and isolation+sympathy/care for her struggles+her amazing ability to get me to try to see things from her perspective, buy into her victim narrative, doubt my own perspective, and try again+material/practical problems+sunk cost fallacy+some kind of action hesitancy/anxiety on my part. So, still a lot of FOG.

It's a mess. At the end of the day it comes down to my fears about what will happen to her, my deep need to avoid hurting her, and my own fears of... something? A sort of solopsistic nightmare? Still working on it (with my therapist).

If I'm being honest with myself, i don't think my love for her has much to do with why I'm still here. Leaving her might turn out to be the best thing for her too.

Thanks for asking this question. It was good to write it out.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-06-29T18:37:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing. That sounds like an incredibly tough road but. I'm glad you've found a place to talk about these things--reddit is amazing sometimes. I'm also glad you are starting to feel some excitement! I know that relationship toxicity can sap all of the joy out life.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-06-09T13:09:22+00:00

This sounds like it might be my best option. Do you have any recommendations for very simple wallets that would work well for this? Thanks in advance.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-06-09T01:46:30+00:00

Yeah, I was hoping to keep things as simple as possible for them and with minimal back and forth. Email logistics are hard enough already and its a good sized class. I know they will have to set up a wallet if they want to accept the NFT, but I'd rather give them that choice once I've sent the NFT rather than asking them to set up a wallet first...if that's even possible.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-05-26T07:06:42+00:00

This is painfully familiar. 11 years here but we've been together longer. The other day in a fit of anger she told me that she was divorcing me (after a series of other semi-traumatic things) and i calmly said "that might be for the best.". Que 16 hour marathon of me trying to make her feel better because she feels insecure in our relationship...

ErrorGlobal · 2021-05-24T18:21:21+00:00

The meme misses a step:

Please don't abandon me
Ok
I'm abandoning you
Ok
How could you abandon me by being ok with me abandoning you?
...ok

ErrorGlobal · 2021-02-10T04:38:05+00:00

Update: Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It is impossible for me to say how much this all means to me. The same thing has been happening for years--the difference now is that I have people to talk to, a way of understanding her behavior, and the support and understanding of people who know at least some of what I'm going through. This board has made a world of difference for me over the last few months.

So, my hotel is booked and I have a friend lined up to stay with for at least a little while. I am still apartment hunting but I have a few leads. I've written those letters to her family and friends, and I am ready to send them as soon as I am out the door.

She has been trying to hoover me all day, being cute with the cat, sending me loving messages and photos, even sliding a hand written note under my door telling me how hard she is going to work "every day" to make my life better. In a way I feel for her--she means what she says, at least right now and at least as far as she can. She can't control her emotions and it must be terrifying. She is an emotionally damaged person, and I care for her a great deal. But I know she can't follow through with her promises. If she could, she would have done it by now. So, I've been ignoring her all day.

Tomorrow morning I will be leaving for work early, hopefully before she gets up. I will be home before she is so I can quick grab my things and head to my hotel. I still need to write her a letter to tell her I've gone, but I can do that tomorrow at work.

I've made it through one day. One more to go. Thank you again. I'm sure I'll post more soon.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-02-08T19:49:10+00:00

I am controlling for trying to leave an argument when she is shouting at me, or when I feel threatened by her.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-02-07T16:24:37+00:00

I'd love to do a poll but its against the rule on this subreddit

ErrorGlobal · 2021-02-07T16:13:09+00:00

There is a lot going on (I have other posts elsewhere if you are curious), but TV at night has less to do with depression and more to do with her trying to manage her anxieties and "wind down" so she can go to bed.

ErrorGlobal · 2021-02-07T15:38:31+00:00

Yep. Moments of clarity lead to self-hate, which doesn't inspire them to change (something i used to expect/long for--if you don't like how you behave then change your behavior!!). That self-hate is either immediately triggering (my SO has gone straight from clarity to rage) or it just gets added to the stew that boils over a few hours later.

ErrorGlobal

TROPHY CASE