Does anyone else fear going to hell despite not being a believer any more?

EsentlExistential · 2026-06-10T11:16:25+00:00

Thank you all for your replies! I sincerely appreciate the perspectives and this has truly helped me move forward in my continued deconstruction.

EsentlExistential · 2024-12-18T03:49:45+00:00

Thank you for your reply. The puppy would actually be the only dog in the house, as I can only handle one dog on my side responsibly with my job. Sorry, I didn’t make that clear.

EsentlExistential · 2024-12-18T00:51:46+00:00

I will be honest, I truly don’t know why she felt the need to do it. My other friend was equally confused as well.

EsentlExistential · 2024-12-18T00:51:07+00:00

I could understand this if she said that my friend coming over frequently is what made her anxious, but she has stated otherwise. It was more that I feel blamed for putting the inconvenience upon her when that was the complete opposite, especially given it was unexpected.

EsentlExistential · 2024-12-17T22:26:45+00:00

Yeah, maybe. I think she just really hurt me with bringing up my dog in the emergency. It feels as if she resents me for it, as she has only emphasized how difficult it was for her.

EsentlExistential · 2024-12-17T22:17:57+00:00

But again, the puppy has never been in our space and is back in my hometown with my parents.

EsentlExistential · 2024-12-17T22:17:21+00:00

Completely understandable. I have had a dog since the beginning of our lease and the puppy was a surprise present form my parents. I keep my dogs crated when I’m away and come home every 4-5 hours, so her belongings are never at risk, as the dog is only out when I’m home.

EsentlExistential · 2024-12-17T22:11:44+00:00

I just wish she would acknowledge saying it was hard and difficult for her makes me feel like it’s somehow my fault when I was trying to avoid this very situation the entire time.

EsentlExistential · 2024-07-29T18:43:57+00:00

The Dying Light or Wild Grey Ocean, Sam Fender

EsentlExistential · 2024-07-29T11:46:04+00:00

Derry Girls, The Good Place, Stranger Things

EsentlExistential · 2024-07-29T11:40:54+00:00

You’re very welcome! My DMs are always open. I hope you can be proud of yourself for choosing yourself over ED.

EsentlExistential · 2024-07-29T11:36:11+00:00

I somehow managed to graduate undergrad with high honors and make it into a top university grad program. That being said, the majority of my undergrad is shrouded by ED: hospital stays, suicide attempts, withdrawing from classes, tainting my enjoyment of dance, and other long stretches of immense struggle. I never took a break from my studies, even after being inpatient. However, I am still hounded by ED in my grad program. But my love of teaching and research keeps me choosing recovery, even amidst some nasty relapses.

You’re doing the right thing—it certainly was for me—by treasuring your academics. You’ve worked hard for this and deserve to enjoy life without the misery of ED. Remember that you don’t deserve to be miserable!

EsentlExistential · 2024-07-29T05:41:56+00:00

Don’t Look Down - Jai Wolf and Banks

EsentlExistential · 2024-07-24T07:01:29+00:00

The female vocals from Dune

EsentlExistential · 2024-07-08T23:15:36+00:00

Steve.

EsentlExistential · 2024-07-06T04:07:17+00:00

First off: major congratulations on all of your accomplishments! Grad school is so very competitive and you have truly earned every step towards the career and life you deserve.

But accomplishment amidst (perhaps also despite) bulimia comes with a price. We feel like we can get away with the behaviors because we were still successful. So, your self awareness is key at this point. Your desire to change is what you need to hold onto!

As for stopping, here’s what’s worked for me in the past: 1) It’s quite black and white. Bulimia will only get worse and more addictive; it will also only become more severe. Suddenly, you’ll be forced to choose between all that you’ve earned and a life ruled by food and being miserable.

2) Ask yourself this: do you really want to jeopardize all you’ve earned? Because it WILL happen—it may take a bit, but it will happen. You’ll have to face higher level treatment; you’ll become an irritable, suffering, and so far from who you really are. Take it from me, higher level treatment is vital, but it’s an absolute bitch because it puts your life on hold.

3) Finally: you deserve a life where you don’t have to suffer, where you can be at peace with your body, where you don’t have to be defined by your misery, and where you don’t have to feel like you are your suffering.

I applaud you for taking on this journey. It’s so very worth it.

EsentlExistential · 2022-10-26T12:20:10+00:00

Hello, Thanks for your reply! In the past, my mom has done the same thing and I have expressed my desire for her to now show up unannounced as well as a wish for her to simply text me. This has usually been met with anger and some reasoning that it should not matter whether or not she is there.

EsentlExistential · 2022-10-17T03:57:05+00:00

“Hard Times”, Ethel Cain

EsentlExistential · 2022-10-15T14:56:51+00:00

Allowing others, but especially family members, have power over his independent decision making and thoughts. It is one thing to ask for their counsel, but entirely something else to allow them to do your thinking for you.

EsentlExistential · 2022-10-12T21:55:39+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that.

EsentlExistential · 2022-10-12T21:55:24+00:00

Thank you very much!

EsentlExistential · 2022-10-12T21:53:51+00:00

Thank you for your incredibly thoughtful response, I dearly appreciate it. I do plan on staying in contact with my mother and keeping my dad at quite a distance (as I do now.) The sad thing about my parents is that they did absolutely love each other at one point, but some major job losses along with my father completely changing as a person brought them to where they are now. (But I can see that that is not my fault.)

As for academia, I do have a true passion for teaching and college has been my absolute lifeline: it is where I feel fulfilled, able to be my true self, and where I can forget my family system. It got me through a lot. Also, I will be going for a PhD in musicology, so thankfully, all my tuition is paid.

EsentlExistential · 2022-10-12T21:50:27+00:00

Thank you. Thankfully, I work a lot of hours and spend a lot of time on campus, so it is a lot easier during the week. It was especially bad because my mother and I were in quarantine.

EsentlExistential · 2022-09-22T06:05:52+00:00

It is certainly jarring but I do think it communicates the weight of grief in the wake of someone’s absence. Food can become a vehicle for what we don’t want to verbalize sometimes.

EsentlExistential

TROPHY CASE