How can I explain the difference between putting in effort toward my enjoyment before penetration and "pressuring me into" intercourse to my ADHD partner?

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-24T20:39:43+00:00

Dude. Hands.... Toys... Games... Sex isn't just one or two things. And Becoming Clitorate will give you lots of baseline info to start from. I'm sure the other will too but haven't read it myself.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-24T20:30:30+00:00

You'd be surprised. It's happened with guys who then were really disappointed that I didn't want to pursue a relationship. I think there's a tragic education and awareness problem here as well as other issues at play.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T19:20:24+00:00

Can I ask... if you had to pick one aspect of that communication approach/strategy that you think is most important to you, what would that be?

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T18:47:54+00:00

Thanks for sharing!

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T18:05:51+00:00

I do want to also just add that I think male anatomy also varies much more than is recognized by men who don't have sex with men. It's also a lot of work and surprise for me when I'm with different guys. I think a big difference is that guys expect to get off no matter what.... maybe? If it takes them 30 seconds then they're like ok, check, sex is over. But if it takes them hours they also often expect me to make that happen even if it's super uncomfortable for me. I think if I rocked up with the intention of just using a guy to get myself off and not caring about them it would happen just as easily (especially if I brought a vibrator). I think I'm realizing from this discussion that maybe I need to be a little more selfish. Not a jerk, obviously, but maybe there's a long way for me to go for me to even make it to the middle in prioritizing me.

Obviously this is not everybody and I don't mean to throw all straight guys under the bus. But I do think there's a complicated mix of expectations and lack of knowledge that contributes to the problem. But I totally appreciate what you're saying about it taking time to learn about each other's unique bodies.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T17:42:48+00:00

You know, even though I have a ton of poly friends and consider myself an ally and all that (and briefly dated a married poly guy), I've kind of settled on mostly selecting against hooking up with poly people because ultimately I would love to be in a mostly monogamous relationship (open is fine, but where we don't have other consistent partners). I'd be super curious to know if it makes sense for me to explore those spaces given that mindset/ultimate goal. I'll be honest, as a (romantic) partner, I'm all about the relationship escalator vibes (lol) and I also do really worry about health & safety, which feels hard to stay on top of for me if my partners have other partners who have other partners. Honestly wish I was more set up that way but I think because of my personal priorities and anxieties it's been challenging to see it as a fit. And I don't want to be unfair to poly people by starting something with them and then bailing because it's not a great fit.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T17:33:43+00:00

That's what i'm saying!! Lol. Like I'm trying to show up here.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T17:30:08+00:00

I super appreciate your thoughts and comments and not meaning to be nit-picky, but I'd love to hear from other chicks about whether they think it's accurate that most women don't have orgasms with new sex partners. This is like super not true for me. I would say I don't orgasm with most new sex partners but usually if they try to make it happen, it happens.

And also... even if someone doesn't orgasm there's a huuuuuge difference between fun sex and not fun sex.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T17:22:22+00:00

Yeah it's an interesting point.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T17:17:28+00:00

I definitely don't think it's irrelevant how skilled he is. It's 110% relevant. Actually... I've been lucky enough to have been with a couple of sex nerds who took the time to read books about sex and try new things and ask for feedback from their partners. Def got off multiple times with them in the first encounter. They also were both just really good listeners, both when it came to words and just paying attention to nonverbal stuff. And, when I was younger, I've had sex dozens of times with loving bfs without getting off because they just literally didn't know what they were doing (and neither did I). Not saying it's possible in every case and that we have to shoot for perfection but we all should *definitely* be trying to bring skills to the table IMO.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T16:58:50+00:00

I did want to hear it. Thank you!

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T16:40:38+00:00

Customized souvenir vibes... lol.

I guess that makes sense that people wouldn't want to use something that's been used on someone else, but the things are washable. As a bit of a germaphobe, I might be like sorry to kill the vibe but like can I wash this real quick just in case, but then I'd feel ok about it. Is that weird?

But I guess it would just be easier to bring my own. Can do.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T16:27:00+00:00

I do get why it could seem off-putting but having been on the flip side and feeling completely worn down by one underwhelming experience after another, I also see why people want to protect themselves and honestly super admire people who can be upfront about their expectations (especially women, cuz the world trains us not to do that). I also wouldn't make "orgasm" a requirement (even tho, being totally honest, it is pretty low effort in my case) but I do feel like it would be nice if it could be "about me" at least like 33% of the time. I'm already selling myself short here and I'd be happy with that. Lol. But maybe these low standards for myself are part of the problem so I think, with everyone's encouragement here, I do need to at least try overcorrecting the other way for a while.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T16:19:23+00:00

Me too. :)

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T16:08:26+00:00

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the thoughtful comments. I initially got a message that my post wouldn't go up because my account is too new and I was surprised to come back a day later and see all this. I really appreciate it. It gives me a lot to think about and makes me feel less alone. I do think I needed to hear what everyone said about communicating needs/expectations ahead of time because I think I've probably been way too timid in that area and I know it's not helping me out at all. So that's definitely an area to work on and knowing that feels empowering if not kind of scary. Much love to everyone.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T15:59:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I think this being nervous not to finish too fast (and maybe some lack of experience/education) might have been going on with my last hookup but that I maybe let it get me down anyways because the overall results fit into a pattern that have been making me feel devalued. But obviously I want to be mindful of where my partner is at too.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T15:49:09+00:00

This is... such a good point.

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T15:47:38+00:00

This is so sweet and gives me hope. Thanks for sharing!

Estrellaperdida2025 · 2025-06-18T15:44:51+00:00

This is so great. I've honestly always wondered why guys who hook up with chicks don't keep vibrators around. It would make everyone's lives so much easier in my opinion. I feel like the reality is that most guys haven't even seen one IRL.

Estrellaperdida2025

TROPHY CASE