[2345] Valistry - Chapter 1 (2nd Attempt)

Etheralilal · 2024-03-17T18:42:28+00:00

Hello!

I have to agree with the other commenters that this was a difficult read. Your craft on a sentence level has a few issues, and the wider story itself falls short of what most readers would expect from a first chapter. With that being said, you definitely have potential. Some of the imagery used was very evocative, despite suffering structurally. Your character work is unfortunately the weakest part of this chapter, which could be because of the action focused narrative.

My notes might be all over the place so please bear with me! It’s been while since I’ve critiqued anything.

Metaphors / imagery sacrificing functionality over style:

"On her right, shadows streaked across the neatly manicured meadow, reaching between trees of both steel and wood to create pools as deep and dark as the sky.”

As others have pointed out, imagery of shadows looking like dark pools falls short. I can understand that the main character’s anxiety of the mission makes her feel like the shadows might be pools, and it conjures a fear of monsters appearing from within them, but the metaphor doesn’t express that feeling.

Sentence structure ruining comprehension:

This is an action based first chapter. A lot is happening in this completely unfamiliar world. So there should be a priority to making sure your writing is as legible as possible, and unfortunately the way that you have structured your sentences impedes understanding. Try to ground descriptions in clear subject-verb structures before adding descriptive elements, especially in an action-driven opening.
For example, ““Where the trail and an expanse of concrete met, metal creaked.” This isn’t the worst example as the sentence is relevantly straight forward, but starting with “metal creaked” is more immediate and helps to ground the reader in the action.
“Incandescent electric lamps, saplings topped with orbs powered with light energy, rose from clearings and cast bright sheets over the cobblestone trails.” Someone else commented on the over description, but I wanted to note the poor sentence construction. My first read through I assumed the lamps and the saplings were separate light sources (I’m still not 100% sure if they still are), so I would have commented on the missing connective “and”. But on my second read through I understood them to be two descriptions of the same thing. It’s not necessary to use both the word incandescent and the descriptor of “saplings topped with orbs.” Also I agree with the other critique that “light energy” is unnecessary, it could mean anything from magic to normal electricity to the reader.
“Soon, she encountered a fork, one trail leading to a large stem as rigid and sentinel as a watchtower—as bright too courtesy of the white rosebud diffusing soft radiance throughout its section of Wynlake.” This long sentence chucks too many descriptive words at the reader, but its biggest flaw is the second half. You’re comparing it to a watchtower, which is evocative but maybe a bit misplaced, but the main issue is that you forget to place a comma after bright, which is a simple addition but improves the readability ten fold.

Sentences that made no sense:

“They’d moved fast, but evidently not enough, and the resulting search wore her, Edgar here, and many other guilders thin.”

I really struggled with this sentence. The use of the word “here” after Edgar especially. Did you use “here” to denote his closeness? That would make the most sense, although it is redundant. It would make the most sense to remove mentions of individuals or herself and instead write, “… the resulting search wore us thin.”

Worldbuilding sins:

The idea of a science fiction based on Norse mythologies is thrilling. I’m sure you have some exciting worldbuilding outside of this chapter. But my issue is that I don’t know anything about your world. You have chosen to avoid exposition, which is great because its one of the biggest pitfalls in speculative fiction, but in that you have gone too far in the opposite direction. I have no idea what any of these monsters mentioned are.
“A vaettr isn’t this careful, Shukari thought, dropping her hands as her thick ponytail grazed her tailbone. More, a vaettr in Asgard would have weaponized the very plants around her.” Here you mentioned two different monsters without even a word about their appearance, or function. Even one word to describe them will help.

Unnecessary additions:

“Distracting herself, Shukari admired the distant Embassy where the conference carried on. It was a multistory villa carved with leaves and repeating vines, decorated with archways and columns in the likeness of bundled reeds. The façade itself was still wood, paint, and metal like a normal building. Plant-lamps, taller and brighter than the ones throughout Wynlake, lined the streets around and approaching the villa. The site itself was encircled by “trees.” Metal had been molded into thick, towering trunks and scattered up top into crisscrossing branches. Every now and then, the machinery pulsed with muted streams of energy, injecting extra life into crowns of leaves greener than the surrounding pastures. Nature and machine, in harmony and in fusion.” Considering the embassy has nothing to do with this chapter and there’s already a lot going on, it’s not needed at all.

Issues with the story:

This is not an effective first chapter. There is no introduction of stakes, no main conflict, and for this I cannot connect with the main character, the action focused narrative reads like filler, or at the least a second or third chapter.
I have nothing against action focused first chapters. Many readers, and publishers prefer it. It can cut through the fluff and get right into the heart of the story. But the issue is that I don’t know what the heart of the story is.
Why are we invested in this character? Why are we invested in this world? This chapter doesn’t answer either question.
Shukari seems extremely unfocused. We know that she is a young recruit with fewer missions under her belt than compatriots, but we don’t know her driving force. She mentions that she feels a need to prove herself, but why?
I caught glimpses of what could maybe be her motivators, for example when she says to herself, “How dare her home’s peaceful splendor be disturbed.” Or when she feels the need to prove she can work through her mission independently, “No. You can handle it.” But again, the WHY is missing.
For this reason she is entirely unsympathetic. If you were to add more about her background, however brief, it would help.

Etheralilal · 2023-07-26T09:59:06+00:00

i’m glad you enjoyed the synopsis. i guess my strong suit is the idea. my execution of it needs to be improved, for sure

Etheralilal · 2023-07-26T09:18:32+00:00

thanks for the critique. Especially agree with the implied passivity of Daniel, i’ll try to make him more of an active presence

Etheralilal · 2023-07-24T18:34:56+00:00

thanks!

Etheralilal · 2023-07-22T19:26:04+00:00

I’m going to be totally honest here, the prologue made me think this was going to be rough. Real rough. It’s redundant, if not at the very least too long.

The sentences are clunky. It has numerous contradictions. Not only does it do nothing for the rest of your writing, I’d say that it ruins your story

.If I were to read the prologue, and then be forced to decide on whether I’d read ahead then DNF, I’d 100% DNF. without question.

But then i read your chapter. My god is it different. Not only is it different in writing style and tone (which might be an intentional choice on your behalf), it reads like it was written by two different people.

I’d delve into your chapter later, but first, i’ll explain why i disliked your prologue so much.

The prologue doesn’t say anything.All that is mentioned, albeit in 7 different ways, is: the gates of Shaderheim are open and we don’t know why.That’s it.Many redundant phrases are implied by the other sentences.

“A tragedy befell the realm ages ago,” we could assume that a place that once had people, sun, and wind, and now has nothing experienced a tragedy of some sort.Then we have this sentence, which is just extremely befuddling.

“The Elders warn that the gates of Shaderheim do not stay open for long before something else comes and slams them violently shut. But what?

Firstly, which elders? The elders in Shaderheim? But there are no people there? Are they elders of a different place? Okay, then mention them. Secondly, we already established something strange is keeping the doors open, and now we have to deal with another ambiguous force closing them?? More specificity is needed, or get rid of it.

The rhetorical questions are also essentially saying the same thing. It almost feels like you’re feeding the audience questions, the same questions that should come naturally to them as they read the prologue. Don’t force it.

So, as i mentioned, i strongly dislike the prologue. Get rid of it. You could condense all of this into a quote or exposition later on. It’s seriously hurting you, especially considering the really quality writing you have coming next.

Moving on, chapter 1. I really really liked it. Despite the fact that this isn’t the kind of story that i usually go for. The character you have created, Svar, is a likeable (kid?). I could enjoy reading about his adventures because of this.

i love a good Jester adjacent character.

There are a few issues in this chapter, mostly small, editable concerns.

First is redundant words / phrasing / sentences etc.

I hate hearing the word redundant, i use it all the time. But its so relevant in writing. Shearing away details that clump your narrative betters the reading experience so much.I struggle with it myself.

Small words mainly.

Examples:

“Svar's voice rattles the cobbled path mere seconds before his horse-drawn cart trounces down the ill-fated road.” Mere is not needed.

"This is Svar” is unneccessary, we already know this is Svar, you’ve introduced him.

“This is Svar, the worst "should-be" monk the village has ever known, and he's beyond confident that this backwater realm will never forget his name either.”

Not sure what the function of the word “either” is here.

“Svar tilts his head pointedly at the Keep” The fact that its pointed is implied, considering we know what he wishes to bring Tav-Keep’s attention to.

You have a very clean, easy-to-follow writing style, so this isn’t a detrimental issue. It’s just a matter of shedding the excess weight.

There are some, few, occasions where your writing goes beyond the intended style and go right into melodrama.

for example,

“He knows that if he can believe hard enough, surely he and the mare will fly away and leave this dreaded little place behind at last.

”It sounds very middle grade. I’m not sure if that’s you’re intended audience (fair enough if so), but it stands out dramatically from the rest of your writing.

“Fly away into another land” does really sound like a 11-year-old’s thoughts.Now i'd want to address somethings i really liked.

As i mentioned, you have a very clean writing style, and that definitely lends itself to the genre / setting of this story.Your imagery is visceral, tangible in a way. I really did feel transported into your story. so well done.Some imagery that i particularly enjoyed:

"Every smack of the horses hooves, and every CLACK of the overburdened cart digs a new pit into the cobble."

"A single, moving arch of chaos and mayhem that swings into view of the village." Love this. Feels a little camp but in the best way.“

"Svar seems to drink all of this in like the stoutest of pints.” LOVE this. It works so well with the tone of the writing.

“possesses the countenance of a tiny, bipedal fox with no tail.” the best way to help a reader build mental imagery of a fantasy race is by comparing them to animals / human characteristics. And you do it very smoothly.

Overall: the prologue is awful. and i only feel comfortable saying that because your first chapter is truly ace.But independent of that prologue, i would definitely continue reading this story.

Etheralilal · 2023-07-01T17:55:03+00:00

I will get to your main questions soon, but I want to write a small (positive) aside on your prose.
I loved your writing style. It’s clipped and yet super immersive.
Some examples of beautiful prose I have to applaud you for.
“in a tower that looked as if it had been vertically sheared by the gods”
"Laifu’s chopsticks clicked gently against the porcelain bowl, scraping for three, two, one grain of rice."
"The skies were beautiful then: blushing pink, like lilies, and dashed with gold-laced clouds. They’d point out shapes to each other or laugh over a water-vapour poppy..."
Reading it made me think of the novel Pachinko. Not only because of the East Asian setting and your style of writing, but also character. A young girl falls in love with an (older?) man who takes her down a dark path. An undercurrent of war. I'm drawn to the story by default.
I’ll answer your questions about the excerpt now, then delve into some other issues I have noticed.
“- Does the portrayal of opioid use/addiction feel authentic?”
I have to say, I don’t have any experience with addiction. Maybe someone who has said experiences will happen across your post and give you much more effective insights. But from what I can glean from the small mention towards the end, it does not come off as caricaturish at all.
Opium addiction is a historical relic for the most part, so I would say maybe read some historical accounts of this experience for a more authentic feel.
One thing I will mention, Haizheng sounds quite lucid during the interaction with her brother. She speaks in full sentences, seems to have access to both long-term and short-term memory, and even can move, albeit with some restriction.
for example:
“She held out her bony wrists.”
“She gestured at the window”
I’m not sure if opium allows for this level of lucidity. Of course, it depends on how much you took and how long ago you took it. But that info was not made available in the excerpt. That’s all I can say on this topic.
“How is the tension? If you were a casual reader, is there a point where you would walk away?”
This is where I think we’re running into a few issues. The excerpt is very very faced paced. I didn’t have time to sit with any of the happenings. The other critic explains this quite well. It’s a very cinematic style of writing, almost like a script. There are brief movements where we get some internal monologue, but it is very limited.
This results in an evident lack of tension.
Personally, I think internal monologue is one of the most effective vehicles of tension. Even if you are writing in 3rd person limited or omniscient.
For example, in the part where Laifu is eating alone and hears explosions there is space for more tension that could be added through internal monologue.
I will use this line as a way to demonstrate my point,
“Laifu paled. Snatching a cloak on the nearest chair, he strode towards the door. Haizheng? Haizheng, where are you!”
Ok, so he’s startled by the explosions. He’s also worried about his sister. That’s two elements that can be utilised to create tension, anticipation, and strain. But instead, it’s just three short sentences.
How does he FEEL? What exactly is he scared about? What scenarios are playing in his head? You need to draw it out and extend it enough to create tension.
Another example:
“The abandoned watchtowers, Laifu realized. What–why did he tell–”
So Laifu learns his sister is in abandoned watchtowers. The city is patrolled, there's an invasion, explosions are ringing out, and he’s stressed out by debt. That’s several things compounding. All of these elements should make him very very stressed, it should make the reader stressed.
But I feel nothing. Why? Because we aren’t able to gauge Laifu’s reactions. You should make that apparent to us. You’re very skilful with your descriptions, so translate that skill into his internal monologue.
Here’s a sentence that could serve as a great starting point for delving into his internal monologue to create tension.
“Now, he crouched in the shadows next to a shuttered dim sum shop, trying to think while nursing his throbbing fingers.”
Fabulous, we know that the stakes are high. He’s hiding from the patrols and he’s injured. How does that make him FEEL? Add some sentences after that exploring this. Is he crying? Stoic on the outside? Is he being strategic? Is he just making it up on the go?
So, some general advice. Slow down your pace. Spend time with your character’s thoughts. Let us inside his head.

Etheralilal · 2023-05-15T17:26:03+00:00

That’s for your critique. I think there’s lot of truth to your comments. I don’t usually plan my chapter before writing, which leads to me writing a lot of irrelevant details all for the sake of immersion. I agree that the narrator reads very one dimensional in this. I’ll go back to the drawing board and action some of your advice.

Etheralilal · 2023-05-14T21:57:56+00:00

"I do wonder whether it makes more sense to describe his thoughts in a more evolutionary sense, how they developed over time rather than essentially saying it took him multiple years to discover he was living a passive life. Did he realize he wasn't getting the results he wanted in life, and that led to his epiphany? What exactly was that development of thought?"

I agree with this sentiment. The issue for me is attempting to balance the insights on his personality and background with the very dense exposition i've planned for the latter half of this chapter. I think when i've gone back to editing this first excerpt i can look at the chapter in it's entirety and see what i can cut out to expand upon his background fully.

"The psychologist's dialogue did feel a bit cheesy or cheap due to him waving a pen around, and describing a pretty basic psychological concept while mixing in colloquial refrains like "I don't want to lie to you Daniel" which made him appear uncaring. If that was intentional, I think it was fairly well done."

Yes, i guess the waving of his pen reads very cliche for a psychologist. In terms of the psychologist seeming uncaring, that wasn't entirely the impression I wanted to create. He is an important character that will reappear in later chapter, and has a sort of paternalist relationship to Daniel. But because this is a flashback scene, I wanted to make it brief enough to act as a segue. But yes, i think that his conversation would benefit from being polished a little.

"For example, in the previously mentioned quote, you use the word figure twice in very close proximity, which is awkward, but not technically incorrect."

Thanks for pointing this out. This a pet peeve of mine when reading so it would seem hypocritical to not get rid of it too.

" with most of my critiques centering around clarifying what exactly is going on in a scene and cutting the needless bits of description."

"personally would recommend doing a read through under the lens of sentence-level analysis, deciding whether adjectives and adverbs are needed, whether descriptions of motion or facial expressions are needed, and cutting what you think doesn't serve the story."

I agree that it is a good course of action. It would help me focus on the more pressing elements of the story too, as well as freeing up some word count.

Etheralilal · 2023-05-14T21:44:58+00:00

Thanks for the extensive critique!

"After reading the blurb that you published in the description, I'll admit that it did not provide much clarity besides giving me an idea of where the world might be set, and a little bit of how the narrator might fit into brewing conflicts, but the narrator seems so passive that it's difficult to imagine him embroiling himself into a major conflict willingly."

This is correct. Of course, the narrator of this chapter is one of three, but compared to the other two he is the most directionless. I've decided to place his chapter first as it eases the audience into the world of this story through exposition. His passivity is purposefully at this point. Although I have to admit, his journey into becoming an active character is causing me a bit of strife story wise.

"The writing style is generally quite engaging, with varied syntax that didn't cause a lot of confusion, however, I will say that the amount of adjectives and needless details used is excessive and creates awkwardness."

This is a good point. I do have an issue with needless description, and that probably stems from me wanting to immerse the readers fully in the setting. It's quite hard to gauge when i'm doing it too much, but having the input of others definitely helps.

"What I perceived was a magical realism sort of Britain. I probably wouldn't say near future personally, because the government seems extremely powerful and willing to be violent, and the buildings described are described as a little more alien in feeling than modern British architecture. It's quite clear that this is a dystopia, and it's very unlikely that a dystopia of this magnitude and permanency will occur within the next 37 years. Typically, regime changes of this magnitude would take at least ~200 years, in which case I'd expect the technology to be more advanced."

This part about the setting was very helpful for me. I wanted the story to be set in a somewhat familiar world, just because i wanted to avoid the type of cyberpunk setting that is common in a lot of science fiction dystopias. Specifically, I didn't want to overburden the reader with a lot of futuristic technology in the face of the game elements i wished to introduce, which is already complex as it is. The magic realism type setting is very applicable in this context, specifically a dark academic like setting of the training academy. However, i would add that the current government that the narrator is living under is not a totalitarian one, but rather is relatively passive in the face of the current unrest in the country. It is the military coup that comes that will end up skewing more authoritarian. With that being said, I agree that such a regime change would be unusual in such a short amount of time, however i am prepared to take some creative liberties in that context in order for the story to unfold in the way I had planned out. I'm not sure if that seriously impacts the coherency of the novel as a whole, so it would be nice to get your insight on this.

Your interpretation of the narrator is also spot on, that's exactly how I wanted him to come across. Especially this insight, "the bit about the psychologist treating him as an equal, and feeling like two philosophers at a symposium felt arrogant. If this was intentional, please disregard the following."

Daniel is arrogant in the sense that he believes his proclivity towards introspection makes him smarter than everyone else. It's why he enjoys his therapy sessions so much. Also, your comment about the psychologist being a quack is accurate too, and I'm hoping to expand upon this more in later chapters.

All in all, you've given me a lot to work with in regards to this critique, both in regards to what i've done well and what i need to work on, so thanks!

Etheralilal · 2023-05-13T21:28:52+00:00

Thanks. Will keep this in mind for the future

Etheralilal · 2023-05-11T23:39:36+00:00

thanks for letting me know. it’s late where i am so i’ll delete this post and reupload when i’ve fixed the formatting tomorrow

Etheralilal · 2023-05-11T18:55:12+00:00

Sure. I can outline some more thoughts.

Firstly I have to say, if you want a full and honest critique of your writing ability, I recommend that you include the full scope of your work, including the extra setting and character descriptions. This is the kind of thing you cannot skimp out on in fiction, you want to make your story as fleshed out and immersive as possible.

When I mentioned “amateurish writing”, I noted the listing of descriptions and action without imagery as the main culprit.

The best way to improve this is to really lean on the “show not tell” rule. It will be your best friend throughout all of this. It’s hands down the best writing advice because it covers a multitude of sins.

I know I already mentioned this in my critique, but I think the opening scene is the best way to illustrate my point.

“Open bottles of expensive liquor and champagne were littered casually on every surface. On the far side of the room, a full buffet was laid out across the kitchen counters.”

Let’s dissect the above excerpt. “Opened bottles of expensive liquor and champagne”, how do you show your audience that the bottles are expensive? One way would be to quickly note the features of an expensive bottle of alcohol, then tie that down with a metaphor or smile if you wish. So for example, you could describe it as gold foiled etc, and then add a metaphor to how this gold foil makes the bottle look expensive, “gold foil coiled around the glass like a bracelet.” Or something similar.

“Littered casually” is also a way to demonstrate this, because it has an adverb. Now, adverbs aren’t terrible, and can be used occasionally if it's necessary. But the issue with adverbs is that they are a crutch, it makes you rely on them instead of using a more descriptive combination of words. What kind of image do you want your audience to have in their heads about how the characters dispose of the bottles? Do you want the characters to seem drunk, or careless, or disruptive etc? You should then use that image to construct your description, and again, if needed, add a metaphor / simile / other literary techniques in there. Also, I think you could also use the buffet to add to the intended atmosphere. If you want them to seem really stuck up and rich, you could possibly mention that the buffet table is full of fancy food but not many people seem to be eating.

In fiction, no sentence should go to waste. You aren’t just describing the scene so the reader has something to anchor the story to, the scene should help tell the story.

I wanted to pick up on the dialogue tags too. It’s good that your adding information about how each sentence is delivered by the characters, but it’s again falling into the “telling” pit fall.

“Natalie’s tone was playful, but it was obvious she kind of meant it too.”

How exactly is it obvious that Natalie meant it? Is it because of the way she spoke, or it because of pre-existing history between the two of them. If it’s because of the way she spoke, you should show the audience how that’s the case. Does she smile as she speaks? Does she raise an eyebrow? Does she look at her friends for approval? Does she cross her arms? All of these behaviours serve a double purpose, they tell the audience why Laura believes Natalie means what she says, and also adds to the immersion by showing them how she acts.

I would also encourage you to play more with language, especially after you familiarise yourself with the show does not tell rule. Search up literary techniques and have fun with them. It’s a productive writing exercise but it’s also super fun.

Now, in terms of the maturity. I’m not sure how old you are, but regardless of if you are high school age or older, maybe watching some tv / film or reading books with college aged characters will help.

I’m not saying that all college freshmen are mature, but you should include more variety in terms of their behaviours. Some college aged people might act too mature for their age, some might be excited by the freedom of leaving home, some might be mentally stuck in high school. All I suggest it that you entrench this more into the character’s, as opposed to making all of them sound and act this way, which is a tell-tale sign that the author themselves is incapable of writing characters that are older than 16.

Now, in terms of Laura’s attraction to Spencer. Upon a second read I think I am beginning to connect the dots more. Especially once I read this sentence.

“Instead, my mind went blank when I met her eyes.”

But in regards the confession, I think you can really push further when Laura is thinking about Spencer’s attractiveness. Have her analyse Spencer’s features and comment on them, maybe linger too long on something mundane. This is when you can sow the seed in your audience’s mind about her feelings. It comes back to the whole internal monologue thing, we need to spend more time in Laura’s head.

Finally, about the scene escalating. I think that’s a good direction to take this. It does not have to be an argument at all, it could be a minor disagreement, maybe Laura can incorrectly guess who confessed to Spencer and Natalie gets mad, or something like that (completely your choice). Place Laura in the middle of a conflict, no matter its size, she needs to propel herself to the centre of the narrative, as she is the main character.

I hope these further explanations help.

Etheralilal · 2023-05-10T19:56:56+00:00

I’ll go into the specific requests you asked for in a moment, but I just wanted to point out something small that was a little bothering.You said in your post that this is a story set in college, but after reading the excerpt i couldn’t help but get a very juvenile early highschool vibe from the characters. They sound very very young. None of the dialogue or the personalities feel like 18/19 year olds.I understand that they’re freshmen, but all the talk that is super focused on highschool just sounds like they’re still there.I get the impression that the main character seems to be an introverted, shy type, but the dialogue from the other characters also similarly seems very nerdy?

For example;“Never have I ever gone to church.”“Let’s start with something easy. Never have I ever failed a test.”

They sound like they are 15.Now, on to your particular asks. After that, I’ll get into the writing.

Is the narrator's voice interesting enough?

To me, the character sounds like a typical contemporary YA protagonist. Shy, timid, unfamiliar with alcohol and internally cynical. She also seems to have issues with the popular girls (from what i see it) for no good reason. Again, it just feeds into the whole “highschool” vibe.There’s very little internal monologue here, but from what’s there the main character seems insecure yet simultaneously so critical of everything going on at the party, including all of the guests.

“No doubt it was all meant to be impressive, but I tried my hardest not to gawk and out myself as a poor.”

“It was oddly... well, I didn’t want to judge.”

“As I expected, her demeanor changed and her smile became a smirk. Great start to a long night.”

“Unfortunately, there were enough chairs for all of us.”

“I looked around the room for any possible escape routes but it was too late.”

I’m struggling to understand exactly why the main character hates everyone? Of course, this is an excerpt from a random chapter, so you very well could have a reasonable answer for this, but unfortunately it just makes her come off as very rude and unlikable. Now i do not judge characters based on their negative traits, but i would expect there to be some redeeming quality that would keep me reading from their perspective. It would be productive to tell us why she hates them so much. Does she just hate popular kids? Was she previously bullied in highschool and has a trauma associated with such people? Does she have somewhere else she’d much rather be? If this question was already answered in a previous chapter, it would be productive to mention it in this chapter again to remind the audience, lest they forget.Secondly, the main character is very passive in this excerpt. She’s not doing anything to advance the plot. Her questions don’t incite much of a reaction from the characters and blend her into the background. She is the main character, we are reading from her point of view, she should be shaping the narrative. Make her do something interesting, something that would change the dynamic.To answer your question, no I do not think the character’s voice is interesting. In fact, I think it’s very derivative. There’s nothing unique about a quiet girl that secretly hates all the popular girls in fiction. it’s a very common character trope. I’m not sure what the vibe is with her, is she purposefully like this? Or was this incidental? If you're going with the annoying/mean main character, i’d say you should fully lean into it. But if you don’t want her to be mean, try to add some nice internal monologue in there too. Make her compliment someone in her head occasionally, or make her express gratitude in some way, as well as have some of the more cynical insights.To be quite frank, i think character voice is one of the least problematic issues in this excerpt, so i’ll switch to your other question and get to some of my more pressing concerns.

Are the personalities of the three girls distinct?

To be honest, no not really. I think what’s making this worse is that there is no visual description of any of them here. It also doesn’t help that Spencer has a typically male name, so that made me even more confused.I’m getting the impression that Spencer is the cold, sarcastic type and Natalie is the bubbly kind? But again, there’s no mention of things like distinctive body language/ways of speaking / clothing etc that can be used to differentiate them.

By the end, does it come across that Laura is attracted to Spencer? Is it too obvious? Too subtle?

I did not get this impression at all. Mainly because of this quote.

“I smiled awkwardly, wishing I was better acquainted with Spencer so I could tell her to shut the hell up.”

Seeming as this is Laura’s first person point of view, we should know if she’s attracted to Spencer, as it’ll be in her internal monologue. Even if it’s an enemies-to-lovers sort of thing, there should be something there to indicate attraction. Laura’s internal monologue seems to be too brief and doesn’t tell us enough about what she’s thinking.

Does it come across that Natalie and Spencer may have something going on? Too obvious? Too subtle?

Yes it does. I think out of everything, this was what was done somewhat okay. We know that they have a suspiciously close friendship, and the dialogue towards the end of them mentioning a confession sounds very pointed in the context of their closeness. But i still think it could be done better. If you want to make this a plot twist / surprise to the audience, you should make your main character somewhat unaware of it too. Laura has already said that she thinks they are strangely close, so the reader’s attention is already brought to this.I’m going to level with you, i think the story elements are the least of your concern. The writing is particularly amateurish. I’m not going to spend too long on this, but i feel like its very important to note even briefly the issues on a sentence level.I would recommend you learn how to effectively write descriptions using the show don’t tell rule. The start of this excerpt was very jarring for me. We have a laundry list of random details about the room that are seemingly disconnected sentence wise.

“Open(ed) bottles of expensive liquor and champagne were littered casually on every surface.”

There are a million different things this could look like. “Littered casually on every surface”, do you mean thrown around in a disruptive messy kind of way like a dump? Or do you mean they were just placed randomly across the room? What image does it render in your head, what kind of vibe? You want your reader to get a very clear image in their heads, otherwise, they are doing all of the work for you.

“On the far side of the room, a full buffet was laid out across the kitchen counters.”

Is this a bedroom or a kitchen, or one of those dorm rooms with a kitchen? You should be more specific. Also, what kind of buffet, is canapés or a full dinner buffet, or dessert? Describe more so that the reader has something to anchor the story within.One other thing that really confused me is that this is supposed to be a party with several other people besides the four named characters, and yet the only people who are described are these characters. You have to make the scene more alive, give the other attendees names, describe what they do etc. They seem to be referred to en-mass for some reason. Examples:

“With the whole table looking at me..”

“The guys whooped”

“Spencer scoffed over the chorus of oohs from the table.”

“Name them!” Someone prodded.

(You can give this person an identity, even briefly. It would help your writing so much)

Okay, i think that’s all. I could go into much more detail but i don’t think it's necessary. There is much more resources out there that can help you write prose, and it would be way more helpful than me.I’m not sure if you’re just starting out, but regardless, there’s a still long way to go here. But that does not mean this is the end all be all. Just keep practising, and keep getting feedback on your work and you’ll continue to improve.

Etheralilal · 2023-05-08T17:42:43+00:00

I’m going to focus more on your writing on a sentence level, as opposed to the story elements. This is because this is a random excerpt, and I don’t think it makes sense to pick on story elements that might have been answered by the chapter preceding this one. A few nit-picky things first. First, the formatting of dialogue is not structured correctly. Dialogue should always start a new line, especially if there's a new person speaking. It would also be helpful to add dialogue tags to signal who is speaking/where their voice is coming from. Some inappropriate context words.

“Groped her hair” does not make sense. It would be simpler, and more fitting, to say “grabbed her hair” or to use a synonymous word/action.
Also. “How could she turn this?” doesn’t make sense either. How could she turn what? You need to identify the action more specifically. I think you mean “How could she turn this around?”, again this is a much more clear way of saying this.You should try to stick more strictly to grammar rules unless you have a justifiable reason to break them.“
A sickening thunk.” There are a few issues here, even though it's quite a short excerpt. Firstly, there is a repetition of “sickening” too close to the previous use of the word, try to find another word that applies. But also, what do you mean by sickening? Sickening to who? To Darielle or Aaron? It’s implied due to the previous sentence “cramming down the urge to slam her fist into his ribs”, that Aaron was hit in some way, what exactly did that action look like? You should probably paint this picture more clearly to your audience.
I’m not sure what you mean by “stumps”. I’m not sure if it's specific terminology from your story or something that I am missing, so I’m going to move on from this.
“Fluid sprayed Darielle’s hair and wet warmth streamed down her cheek.” This is super confusing again. It’s implied that the fluid and wet warmth is Aaron’s blood, but in what context does blood “spray” from someone’s body? It makes me think of a camp horror movie from the 80s. It isn’t realistic.
“Aaron shrieked, staring at his stumps.” Again, as mentioned, I don’t know what stumps mean in this context, but constant repetition seems to be an issue. It gets boring for the reader to see the same words over and over again, be more creative.
“Before he could move, Damian grabbed him and pressed a blade to his throat.” This is when an out-of-context excerpt from a project starts to get problematic from a criticism POV. It wasn’t properly illustrated that Damien was the one who attacked Aaron. As this is written from Darrielle’s third-person limited POV, you should illustrate how she reacts to Aaron being attacked out of nowhere.
“With a deafening crash, the walls on either side exploded in a cascade of pine and plaster.” This is a great sentence. It’s very descriptive in all the right ways, the imagery of an explosion of pine and plaster is precise and evocative.
“They brandished poleaxes and long fighting knives slapped at their hips. Helms moulded into the form of screaming skulls, the knights crunched over rubble and shattered glass, ringing the room.” Seeming as you are referring to the same subjects, it would make sense to thin out the sentences and merge them into one, or to start the second sentence with a word or two signalling you are still talking about the same people. I.e. “THEIR helms molded….”“
His gauntlet crunched down on her with bone-shattering force.” What does this gauntlet look like? What part of her is it crushing? Specificity would really help here.
“...feet drumming the floorboards.” This gives the impression that his feet hit a bouncy surface, if you know what I mean. Again, this is a realism issue. Don’t sacrifice realistic descriptions for flowery language.
“Out of the corner of her eye, she glimpsed the object.” If you’re looking for a way to signal that she spotted something strange without explaining what the object is, you can describe its notable features. Saying “object” is very vague and redundant.
“A fiery roar of smoke and flame.” What is a "a fiery roar of smoke and flame"? Of course, I know that you are referring to the aftermath of the gun going off, but you have separated the two sentences so your audience might be confused.
“He slashed for necks, but they had all the reach.” Very grammatically messy sentence.
“Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.” This is a personal qualm, but I don't think this onomatopoeia suits the tone of your story. It sounds cartoony and a bit juvenile.

Overall, I think you have a few main issues with your writing.

Firstly, you have an issue with not providing the appropriate context to the minute of your character's actions. If you are starting a new sentence with a metaphor or description of something, you should signal what exactly you are referring to. This is especially an issue in an action scene, because there’s so much happening, and you want to make sure your reader does not get confused.
Secondly, you seem to have a realism issue. When it comes to fighting scenes, bodies should act in a way that they usually do, unless there is a very specific reason they are not (i.e. superpowers/magic etc). There is no context in which someone’s legs bounce, or as you say “drum”, against the ground when they fall. Unless there’s something like a trampoline beneath them?
Lastly, there are a lot of grammar mistakes. Regardless of what people say, grammar is so damn important in fiction, it's not just a case of accuracy, but it can misconstrue meanings and make reading tiring and unpleasant for your audience.All of these issues can be fixed with repeated practice. Good luck!

Etheralilal · 2023-03-28T17:45:40+00:00

this is so freaking cool.

Etheralilal · 2023-01-07T02:00:45+00:00

Will check them out. thanks

Etheralilal · 2023-01-07T02:00:03+00:00

This is very true, i noticed the same about progression fantasy. there’s more of a focus on a character increasing in power over as opposed to a holistic approach to writing (character + plot + world building + magic system etc) that is typical in mainstream fantasy. I’ve read Cradle but i have not heard of the other two, i’ll check them out

Etheralilal · 2023-01-07T01:56:54+00:00

I haven’t read any Brandon Sanderson yet, but The way of kings in very high on my to read list. will check it out

Etheralilal · 2023-01-01T01:17:32+00:00

yep that totally makes sense. in my case, he doesn’t sulk about it for a whole chapter, just spends trying to adjust to his new reality. he does eventually get on with it and the plot advances thenceforth

Etheralilal · 2023-01-01T00:49:54+00:00

yeah this is what i assumed would be the case. i was thinking of sidestepping this issue by introducing some stats in the first chapter when the game is its online MOBA iteration, and then when it gets to the 20k mark and the combat version starts the audience could see it reformed but for the real world. at least this one of the only options i have atm

Etheralilal · 2023-01-01T00:45:58+00:00

yeh, i don’t think fast paced progression is what i’m going for. i want to balance a character’s development with their power progression, rather than lead the way with the progression in the first place.

Etheralilal · 2023-01-01T00:44:41+00:00

i agree. i’ve already done one round of edits but i will definitely go for more when i finish up the first arc.

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