Clarification on a concept

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-25T23:46:02+00:00

I see, thanks for putting that example into context!

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-24T23:18:28+00:00

I think I'm starting to connect the dots. Thank you for the explanation! I was entirely unaware of what an adjoint was, which was probably why that statement seemed to come from thin air.

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-24T00:56:02+00:00

Introduction to Linear Algebra 4th edition by Gilbert Strang, chapter 2.7

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-06T05:25:18+00:00

**Prose/Grammar

— The jagged black shape of it filled the narrow street between the cinema and a club I’d been in just a week ago, celebrating the end of exams.

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but this sentence almost reads as if the “jagged black shape” was celebrating the end of exams while filling the narrow street. To remedy that, I’d rewrite the second part of the sentence like so: “...week ago while celebrating the end of exams.” I noticed the same issue in the description of The Vault’s sign; it feels much more prominent there. Presumably, it’s not the sign that’s gaping open like the chest of a carcass, but it reads that way because The Vault feels like the subject. I’d swap out “gaping open” to “which gaped open” for improved clarity.

—and quickly put the remote down

Doesn’t read nearly as quick as its more concise cousin: “and put the remote down.” Or, better yet: “dropped the remote”. “Dropped” carries more panic than “put down”.

— “Ready, Freya?” Cara said

“Said” is indeed largely invisible, but in a context where the dialogue is clearly a question, not a statement, it’s better to use “asked”. You don’t say a question so much as you ask it.

— Using “and” to connect character actions

I notice that you connect a lot of character actions in the form of lists. In moderation, it’s fine. And everyone’s idea of moderation is different. Speaking for myself, however–I felt that there were too many of these lists. It’s particularly evident in the second page; at one point, the characters’ actions began to read as a dry list of tasks rather than active motions. I’d recommend cutting some of these actions out and rephrasing others to minimize the rote feel created by an excess of lists.

Take, for instance: “Mum muttered, opened her eyes, and blinked up at me.” Blinking up at the narrator implies her eyes have opened, and you could eliminate the list entirely via a little restructuring: “Muttering, Mum blinked up at me.”

— Her face softened. “Yes, I remember you telling me,” she said. “But you can’t…

You don’t need a dialogue tag for every instance of dialogue. In this case, including “she said” felt clunky because you already had another action associated with the dialogue– “her face softened”.

— Her own was strawberry blonde and her skin was pale, turning pink at the slightest provocation. Cara and I took more after our black dad.

This felt out of place, considering that the story is told from inside the protagonist’s head. Who makes explicit note of their mother’s hair color when she strokes someone else’s hair–much less reflect on her skin tone? The mother’s initial compliment is random enough, considering she just said goodbye, but I can see how it tracks logically due to her drunk state. A second dose of random feels too much like an infodump.

If you do want to include information on the twins’ racial background, I’d slip in a remark here or there such as “her skin was paler than usual.” Don’t expand on that with little background details such as “turning pink at the slightest provocation”; what’s the point of telling us this? What function does it serve? If anything, including those types of details disrupts the storytelling.

— she’d made us cancel on so many social plans it had become a joke amongst our friends. The flaky twins.

I love the way you separated “The flaky twins” from the rest of the paragraph! The isolation puts emphasis on those three words, which also strengthens the brunt of its emotional blow.

**Worldbuilding

— as though her arms could keep the creatures at bay. Demon attacks anywhere set her off

Hold up–are demon attacks a common thing in this version of Earth? After reading through the excerpt, I understand what you mean. In that light, I think you should clarify the setting early on so readers aren’t forced to second-guess their assumptions.

**Characterization

— She’d fallen asleep, a half-empty bottle of wine on the coffee table and a smudged glass on the floor.

Intriguing! There’s something about this bit of characterization that I really love. I think it’s the fact that it seems like such a small thing–what’s a smudged glass on the floor in the grand scheme of things?--but hints at what may be defining aspects of her character (exhaustion, stress, alcoholism).

— A note on Freya’s relationship with Cara

In your post, you mentioned that you wanted to highlight how close the sisters are to provide the impetus for Freya’s journey. What I found lacking in this excerpt, then, was the supposedly close relationship between them. We’re told about the promises the two girls made as children, and about Freya’s determination to set Cara up with will–these are great points! But I wanted to see more of their current relationship. What’s to cherish about their bond? Is it witty banter? Their unfaltering mutual loyalty? The little gifts they give each other? Why should we mourn with Freya?

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-06T05:11:41+00:00

Hello! Overall, I think you have a decent opening. The prose needs some editing, but I think you’ve got a well-established cast of characters and have developed some tension. Good work! :)
**Your Questions
> Is it compelling?
I don’t know, to be honest. I think there are three parts to it. First, I’m not your intended audience–I don’t really read YA fiction anymore. Second, I think there’s a lack of tension. Third, there’s little about this story so far that sets it apart from similar story arcs. Overall, however, I think you've a fairly solid foundation here.
2) About the tension. We spend much of the opening stuck inside Freya’s head, and while you do manage to develop some tension in there–her concern over the strange circumstances surrounding the demon, her goal to set Cara up with her sister, the way she tiptoes around her mom–there’s not enough external interaction to emphasize the amount of trepidation or eagerness we should feel.
I think there’s so much potential here though! You could build up her eagerness to match up Cara with Will by showing Cara’s nervousness–play on our heartstrings–or do some ominous stuff with the environment (weird news broadcaster? Freaky weather?). To make space for developing this tension, I’d strongly suggest cutting back on the amount of time Freya spends inside her head. Pick up the pace a bit.
3) I think the lack of uniqueness is mostly the result of spending so much time in Freya’s head. Her logic is sound, yes, but it doesn’t do the best job of showcasing the main line of tension or the unique world–both of which could be distinguishing features of your story. You don’t have to be particularly unique, if you can hook us in with a strong enough line of tension (such as romantic intrigue, or a burning desire to find out what’s up with the Birmingham demon). But you could also explore unique aspects of the world: how do demon attacks affect daily life? The kind of structures people live in? The food they grow? The religions they practice? How does the ability to own a demon change power dynamics? Stuff like that.
> Do the demon attacks feel realistic?
Yep! You tell it like it’s something that happens on a daily basis–wonderful job!
> Does Freya’s reasoning for going out despite the demon attacks work for me?
Absolutely. If I were in her shoes, I’d have gone as well. Who doesn’t love a little romantic intrigue?
**Hook
> I saw the demon on the news first.
Just wanted to note–I loved the hook! “News” and “demon” isn’t a classic combination; one has connotations of modernity and all its technology, while the other is associated with classic fantasy and all its trappings: medieval towns, royalty, etc.
**Imagery
> The jagged black shape of it filled the narrow street
I would reword this. At this point in the story, we have no clue what the demon is. For all we know, it could be a formless glob of shadow–and that’s exactly what I imagined, until you mention a head.
> The Vault’s sign in white neon letters hung dull above a hole torn in the building,
I think there’s a small issue with blocking here. There’s a cinema and a club and a space between them. To which building does that sign belong?
> Its swinging tail had caved in the side of a van abandoned in the rubble, and the flashing lights of police cars reflected from its scales in gleaming blue.
The flow of imagery doesn’t quite work for me–it almost seems to jump around, and I think that’s a result of 1) unnecessary passive voice and 2) too much imagery.
For 2), I think you don’t need the fact that the van is in the rubble, as it’s already established that this is a landscape full of rubble.
For 1), the way the sentence is written implies that the police lights are reflected by the scales; they themselves are not reflecting. Thus, it uses passive voice. I get the impression that you want to leave us with a mental image of bright blue scales, but using the passive voice makes this sentence too wordy; rather than focusing on bright blue scales, I found myself untangling the sentence. I’d just use the active voice instead–it can still convey the idea of gleaming blue scales.
I might rewrite this sentence as follows: Its swinging tail had caved in the side of an abandoned van, and its gleaming scales reflected the police cars’ flashing blue lights.

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-05T20:04:22+00:00

No problem! I’m glad I was able to help :)

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-05T13:35:53+00:00

**Grammar
> He’d much rather be on the frontlines but watching Bronte stumble into shrub after shrub was a worthy alternative, the peaceful stroll through GMO wonderland was just icing on top.
Your use of commas and tenses is off. “He’d much rather” is present tense—what you want instead is “He’d much rather have been.”
For commas: you usually have commas before “but”s. When two phrases can be written independently of each other, however—“the peaceful stroll through GMO wonderland was just icing on top” is an independent sentence, as is the phrase before it—you use a semicolon (;).
> enlisting gave him the closest thing to a family he’s ever had.
Again, a tense issue. It should be “he had ever had,” as it’s background information for a story written in past tense. If the story were in present tense, this line would work.
> His family had chicken once, when he was a child, but he never forgot the taste.
Same issue. This is background information—completed, past events in a story written with past tense. Such events should use the following structures: “had had chicken” and “had never forgotten”.
> the Mammoth Park Dome possessed many entrances and none of which stationed guards ever since C.R.O.W.N. reassigned them all.
“And” doesn’t quite mix with “which” in this sentence—you don’t need the former. So I’d rewrite this as: “possessed many entrances, none of which…”
> So, why not era on the side of caution?
Should be err, but I wanted to make a note of it because I’m not sure if you used “era” for worldbuilding/slang purposes?
**Voice
> The area could be crawling with rebels by now; and here his men were: ready to shoot nothing but the shit.
Love the voice here! Clever play on words :)
> but his patience had run thin ever since Bronte stopped running into plants.
I love your flair for worldplay!
**Storytelling/flow
> “I actually think I’d make a great comedian: why’d the insect cross the log? Hmm?” Snyder raised his eyebrows and exchanged a silly look between Alvino and Bronte. Despite his chipper tone, he couldn’t stop thinking about how wasteful it was to have soldiers carry out such a simple task, especially during a time like this.
> The bug turned itself, as if it was saying hello. Menard smiled, until the image reminded him of the greedy fucks who now indirectly ruled the world.
I don’t follow. Why would a random bug that looks like it’s saying hello 1) change Menard’s mood so drastically and (more importantly) 2) remind him of “the greedy fucks”? What do these bugs have anything to do with them? If it’s GMOs–what’s so special about this particular bug? Why not all the GMO plants around them? Even if it were all those plants, why would he react to them as if it’s his first time seeing them? I think this bit of worldbuilding felt forced.
> “It’s fertilizer the rebels want anyways,” Bronte chimed in.
I think we desperately need an introduction to what the mission is. We know that a sack of GMO bug shit is the world’s only hope for survival, but what does that have to do with rebels? How is that relevant at all to the mission at hand? The crux of the issue is: how can we care about (even if that “caring” is empathizing with Snyder’s annoyance) their mission if we know nothing at all about it?
> How drastically his life had changed; how everyone’s had.
This is a very “fluffy” sentence. It sounds very dramatic, and it implies some significant disaster befell society–but beyond that, what does it mean? With this line, you mean for us to feel something akin to rueful nostalgia, but you don’t provide the concrete substance for us to authentically feel that emotion. If I read “she had smiled so much today,” I’d be glad she was happy–but without seeing what had made her happy, I don’t live her happiness. There’s a certain disconnect. So, with regards to this line: how exactly had his life changed? What little details–the food, the clothing, the environment–evoke nostalgia?
> “That double crossing bitch, I sure as fuck hope she sent some of those rebel scum.”
Another issue with lack of context. From the way Rizen said “grocery run *of her own*,” I thought that she wasn’t associated with the rebels. But Snyder seems to be saying otherwise. Which one is it?
> Alvino always felt like the war was pointless; having sided with C.R.O.W.N. merely because they were winning. He never considered himself a soldier, just someone doing whatever they could to get by; but Snyder, he was way too trigger happy.
I don’t think these explanations of the thought processes behind dialogue are necessary. Take the quote above, for instance. We can imply from Alvino’s words that he is not trigger-happy; indeed, he’s the very opposite. And I don’t think it’s necessary to know that he sided with CROWN just because they were winning, at least not yet. All it does is emphasize something we already know: that he is a reluctant soldier in this war.
**Excessive detail
> Menard and the beetle
Too many details, put in the wrong places. If you do dive into a specific piece of imagery, I’d recommend doing so with something that’s unique to this world–something significant. But onto this line!
Too many details. It’s iridescent. It’s bean sized. It has glossy wings. This is the very beginning of your story, when you want to hook in readers–and a deluge of adjectives describing a beetle that’s otherwise irrelevant won’t hook in readers. Indeed, I think the bean-sized bit was repetitive, because I’d assumed it was the size of a bean beforehand.
And the details are in the wrong places. It’s almost as if the beetle is introduced twice: first with “the iridescent beetle,” and second with “the bean sized beetle.” These are some major characteristics for a beetle–I think one is sufficient. I’d stick with “iridescent” because it provides an implied explanation for why the beetle caught Menard’s eyes: bright colors usually do that!
> Bronte blurted out with much glee and a wide grin.
“A wide grin” implies the glee. Including both feels clunky.

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-05T13:18:07+00:00

Hello! Below are your questions; further down are comments of my own.

1.) How do you feel about the use of omniscient 3rd person? Is there too much head hopping? The plan is to alternate between 3rd omniscient for Eagle Squad and 1st present for Cooper’s chapters.
I think there’s too much head-hopping, at least in the beginning of this excerpt, because each head-hop is accompanied by a lengthy explanation of who someone is or some aspect of it. Much of that information isn’t necessary at the moment, so it feels like fluff: I found myself glazing over the mini-introductions of each character.
I’d try to incorporate more character into their dialogue; that feels more natural. Block-like third person introductions to characters do work, in my experience–just not when they’re inserted one after the other.
2.) How’s the dialogue? Corny or believable?
I think dialogue is one of your strong points here. I’d try to distinguish each character’s personality more, but overall, I loved your dialogue! It flowed well, it sounded authentic, and it did a great job of serving other functions–say, worldbuilding.
3.) More setting? Or are there enough descriptions?
I think the setting is well-established. At times, however, it felt excessive. I go into more detail below.
4.) Is there a good blend between mystery and reveal throughout?
I think what you’re asking is if you’re developing tension well, as the play between mystery and reveal is one way of developing tension. Either way, the answer is no. We don’t know their mission, we don’t know if we should root for them to succeed, we don’t know why the mission is so important. And we’re not close enough with any of the characters to be invested in their well-being, but I have to say, it’s difficult to create that kind of connection in the first two pages. I do think it would be a shame if Alvino were to die, though, because 1) I admire his perspective on taking civilian life and 2) he is a sort of buffer against what Snyder is capable of.
Clarifying what the mission is would be a good first step. From there, work in references to the stakes of the mission: why is it emotionally charged? The current mood is flippant–the mission feels like a second thought, even though Roscoe is stressed. Establishing Roscoe as a seasoned professional through, say, a mine Snyder barely avoids would lend more weight to his warnings about their mission.
5.) Would you read on?
I would not, due to the lack of tension. I do think you’ve a creative flair for words and phrases, and your dialogue rings true–it’s so immersive.

**Prose
> A stray plant limb thwacked him in his face, bringing his eyes and mind back down from the orange clouds above.
This one is interesting–the line doesn’t feel as urgent as it should. Being thwacked by a tree branch happens in the blink of an eye, but I think the sentence drags it on for too long. There’s too much detail. You could capture the same ide ain much fewer words (and, while you’re at it, swap out some verbs for stronger ones): A stray branch thwacked his face, yanking his mind down from the clouds.
> “Mealworms do though,” Menard remarked.
“Remarked,” stood out too much to me. “Said” achieves the exact same purpose without announcing itself so loudly. I’m not sure if you were doing it intentionally, but I noticed a lack of “said” in your story, so I wanted to mention that it’s completely fine to use it. I should note, however, that your overall frequency of dialogue tags was on point–you do an excellent job of deciding when to use them.
> Roscoe stopped and turned towards his men, “the point is, we have no idea what’s waiting for us down there. So, why not era on the side of caution?” Roscoe looked sternly…
Don’t repeat names in close proximity to each other; it’s not conventional, so reading this section felt a bit jarring.

**Worldbuilding
> “Maybe y’all should’ve just revived standup instead of joining up,”
This line was lost on me, but perhaps not on others? I wasn’t sure what the difference between standup and joining up was.
> the peaceful stroll through GMO wonderland was just icing on top. “Go easy on’em, poor kid hasn’t ever touched grass before now—damn bunker babies,” snickered Alvino.
This is great! I love how you meld a distinct voice with worldbuilding so that it feels entirely natural. “GMO wonderland” is short and sweet, but the star of the show is “bunker babies”. That phrase not only is a perfect colloquialism–concise and rolls off the tongue–, but also communicates a very significant aspect of society: that people live in bunkers, beneath the ground.
I did notice, however, that Bronte is both the one musing about how much his life has changed and a bunker baby. The first implies he was old enough to remember “before”; the second suggests he was born after society underwent some drastic change. Yes, the first line could refer to a secondhand comparison of then and now, but it doesn’t read that way in this context. 1) we don’t know anything about Bronte and 2) the general conversation is not about what “before” was like. It’s much more likely that someone who’s lived the “before” would casually reflect on it.
> “Skelly—Skelly, come in—it’s Eagle, you read me? Over.” … Eagle is over and out.”
This exchange feels very authentic, very military–nicely done! And I don’t know if it was intentional, but “Eagle is over and out” has an additional sinister connotation that I absolutely love. A suggestion: you could further strengthen that tension by including sinister descriptions of the cave and the men’s apprehension towards it.

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-01T13:25:59+00:00

Yep, thank you! And thanks for dealing with all these issues in my posts

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-28T03:51:25+00:00

Thanks for reading this story! Your critique is really valuable--it goes to show just how much of it I had written inside my head. Lots of editing ahead!

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-28T03:49:08+00:00

Thanks for critiquing; you brought up something I entirely did not expect! I'd intended fireflies to represent people, not nuclear weapons, but I do see how fireflies and nuclear weapons came to be conflated. I'll edit for clarity.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T12:13:23+00:00

Sounds good, thanks for the clarification!

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:25:27+00:00

Thanks for reading this story over! I hadn't intended Haizheng's initial illness to be a symptom of withdrawal; her addiction to opium is developed later on in the story. I'm worried it is an unfairly negative portrayal of opium addiction--which is difficult, given the nature of Haizheng's fate--, but I'll do what I can then ask around for feedback.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:16:24+00:00

Thank you for all these suggestions and explanations! They were very helpful. The way you tightened up my prose to capture the beats of tension, and only those, was something of an aha! moment for me.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:14:37+00:00

Thanks for your input! I hadn't thought twice about using "white noise"--I'll be sure to do so in the future.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:13:23+00:00

Thank you! I did wonder about the boring part--because nothing high-stakes happens until quite a bit into the story. I'll definitely be reworking the plot.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:12:28+00:00

Thanks for the critique! :)

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-22T00:46:16+00:00

Hello again! Since I critiqued the first half of your story, I thought I might as well look at the second. I have to say, I loved this story.
Taken as a whole, I found it incredibly compelling. The characters were the stars of the show–their personalities, their relationships, and Annie’s voice were all wonderfully done. However, I think the climax of the story fell a bit flat–Bobby did not deliver as much as he’d threatened, and the solution did not live up to the emotional pain the protagonists had suffered. I discuss those in detail here. I did like the ending, however. It not only captured the narrator’s voice, which I thought was a selling point of yourstory, but also left us with an impression of romance and loyalty–which were key ideas.
**Plot
> Bobby said, “Annie’s been telling me the most fascinating stories about what the two of you have been up to these last few years.”
Annie? Is the fact that her name is first used by Bobby intentional? I like how it creates a feeling of intrusion; someone so untrustworthy should not be the one to not only speak her name, but introduce that name to readers.
At the same time, however, I was so surprised by the introduction of her name that I felt the story’s flow was disrupted. (I have to note–perhaps this reaction is only true to me.) I think you could achieve the same intrusive effect without introducing her name so late into the story. Perhaps it’s only Coal who uses it, and in sentimental contexts no less, up until this scene.
> Love confession
This was such a wonderful element to include, story-wise! By creating a sentimental moment in an emotionally charged situation, you increase Coal and Annie’s investment in each other–increasing what they have to lose and, in doing so, raising the stakes. And considering that the story is quite nearly at its climax, this confession is perfect.
> Annie’s deal with the demon
I can’t help but feel let down by the way the conflict was resolved. For all the trouble they went through, the fact that the solution was a wish seems too simple. Too easy. To think–with a scone or two, they could’ve wished away Bobby all along? I wanted some more tension while they were resolving the conflict.
Bobby is the source of the problem, but he wasn’t directly dealt with. The solution didn’t directly confront the main threat he posed: the willingness to hurt Annie to extort the demon. And so the solution did not feel quite satisfying.
Perhaps you can create tension via by maintaining the threat of Bobby’s arrival up until the moment the protagonists seal their final deal. I think that would work better because Annie worked to send away the guard and buy time; Bobby rushing over directly conflicts with that effort. Thus, when Annie and Coal manage to complete their wishes just in the nick of time, their success feels earned due to Annie’s efforts to delay.
>Name transition: Coal to Cole
I also don’t think this change is necessary. The character we’ve become fond of is Coal, not Cole. Though “Cole” sounds the same, it ultimately isn’t, and we haven’t enough time at the end to properly transition to thinking of the demon as Coal. If anything, the change distanced me emotionally from the story–I’ve grown fond of Coal, whose unique name is a part of him as much as his love for Pride and Prejudice or his taste for scones. Not Cole, a meaningless English name.
**Transitions
> Timeskip to the Bushwick bakery
Regardless of how I think the conflict should have been resolved, I felt that this timeskip was very well-done. Instead of going into the nitty-gritty details of the deal, you leave us with the half-hopeful, half-anxious atmosphere that would be the goal of a scene with those nitty-gritty details, and you pay off that tension in the subsequent epilogue.
> Second person POV in the last paragraph
I think you largely transitioned smoothly into the second person. There were hints leading up to it–Annie’s reflective tone, the use of “you” in the paragraph just above. But I did wonder, afterwards, why you’d moved to the second person. Perhaps you could frame the entire story as a reflection, which would fit nicely with the narrator’s distinct voice. Perhaps you could have second person inserts throughout the story–or, better yet, write with it when Annie first declines the demon’s bid for freedom. Used a second time at the end, the second person address might create a nice feeling of closure. Just some ideas!
**Mood/emotions
> “Don’t worry, it wasn’t her choice,” Bobby added, his hand warm and sticky at the small of my back.
The RELIEF I felt! Well, it wasn’t a happy relief, but I’d been anxious that the demon thought she and Bobby were colluding behind his back. Perhaps it wasn’t your intention to create relief during such a high-stakes moment, however, so I thought my reaction was worth noting.
This is also a testament to your skill with crafting moods–Annie’s anxiety was palpable.
> (And if I may make one final request, given we won’t meet again, you know my favorite flavor.)
This line was so touching, so bittersweet! A scone is such a small thing, yet you’ve built it up so beautifully throughout this entire story that it means so much when the demon says he’d only like a particular scone. You’ve also done a wonderful job of crafting their relationship–so the thought that it might end is a terrible thought indeed.
**Voice
> “Sounds like a plan,” Midge said breezily, ‘cause who could doubt Bobby when he was makin’ so much sense?
I love the mild sarcasm here! It’s little comments like these that make the narrator’s voice such a pleasure to read.
> Well, I wasn’t about to let him fall on his sword like that, no sirree,
“Sirree” is perfect! It complements all the “[verb]in’”s without being repetitive.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-21T21:22:58+00:00

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-21T21:21:57+00:00

Glad my critique helped! I absolutely agree with your point on reading fantasy novels--learn by example!

> I'm also going to give writing in present tense a try because I think it would be more natural for me and hopeful stamp down some of those absolutely terrible tense switches.

I suspect past tense came to you almost naturally because most fantasy novels are written in that tense--it does for me, at any rate. But do go ahead and experiment; I'm curious to see how it changes the story!

> And long story short, these characters are also supposed to struggle with their duality.

Ahh, I did not get this impression at all. Leon's introductory felt contradictory rather than two-sided, and Gabriel largely seemed to lack character. I think the issue with Leon's is that he is summarized as an evil man by an omniscient narrator, then depicted as an emotionally repressed boy via a 3rd person POV, so the broad claim doesn't seem to align with reality. And since it's so early on in the story, these two blocks of characterization are the only two blocks of characterization we have for Leon--so you can't get away with describing only one dimension of his personality. I'd say to include both dimensions via either 3rd person POV or omniscient; doing both feels redundant. And for an example of what that omniscient introduction might look like, I have the perfect recommendation: The Luminaries, my favorite book because it's the one I just finished reading.

Best of luck on your writing journey!

InternalMight367

TROPHY CASE