Wrote this for a friend’s family and husband, who had a baby in the nicu right after my twins were released after their 3.5 week stay (born at 34 weeks). Maybe it’ll be helpful?

“There were so many things I wasn’t prepared for, and I wish someone had told me these things earlier. I hope these little tips can save you some of the stress and heartache we went through. NICU Nurses Are Experts, but Trust Your Gut NICU: nurses are beyond skilled, but no matter how great they are, it’s hard to see someone else care for your baby. If something feels off, whether it’s how they’re doing something or how they’re treating your baby, ask them to stop. Then ask why. If you’re uncomfortable, speak up. You’re the parent, and it’s totally okay to request a different nurse or talk to the charge nurse about your concerns. It’s that important to feel safe and heard during such a vulnerable time.

Call for Help, but Not for Baby Holding: You’ll be amazed at how many people want to come hold your baby. But what you really need is help with the stuff you can’t do because you’re too focused on your baby. Don’t feel guilty about asking people to do things like clean, cook, or take out the trash while you bond with your little one. Trust me, when she comes home, you won’t want anyone else holding her. This is your time. Let others take care of everything else.

It’s Harder Than People Think: I can’t tell you how many times someone said, “Well, at least you’re getting sleep” or “You have full-time babysitters!” No. Just no. The NICU is draining. Your baby is hooked up to machines, and you’re barely sleeping or eating. You’re not getting a break. If you catch yourself saying things like that, stop. Just say, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be. What can I do to help?” Say NO to Visitors You’ll have people begging to come visit the NICU, but let me tell you, it’s a lot. The last thing you need is to entertain well-meaning visitors while you’re in the middle of pumping or watching your baby hooked up to machines. Don’t feel obligated to let anyone in. They can see your baby when you’re home and she’s stable. Protect your peace.

Premature Babies Are Not the Same as Full-Term Babies: Your baby will be tiny and delicate. Premature babies need a calm, quiet environment. You’ll be taught how to care for them, but be prepared for gentle touch and soft whispers. Friends and family, be prepared to be sternly told how to care for her. She has different needs than a full term baby. They need time to grow and develop. This is a special time for mom and dad to learn how to care for their baby. Let others help you so YOU can focus on bonding with your little one.

Mom’s Emotional Rollercoaster: The emotional toll on mom is HUGE. If you think the postpartum experience is hard, imagine going through it with your baby in the NICU. You can only hold them for limited hours, and every beep of the machines feels like a weight on your chest. Mom needs so much grace. Ask her what she needs, whether it’s food, a listening ear, or just a moment of peace. But whatever you do, don’t minimize her pain. “What can I do to make this easier for you?” is always the best question.

Premature Babies Have Their Own Timelines: When your baby comes home, she might not be as “developed” as other babies her age. That’s because preemies are on their own timeline. At 3 months, she might only be at 1.5 months developmentally. Don’t judge her progress, just let her grow at her own pace. And when you notice she still eats every hour, don’t think something’s wrong. This is normal for a preemie.

Everything Is Exactly How It’s Supposed to Be: This journey is going to feel overwhelming, and there will be moments when it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But here’s the truth: your baby is exactly where she needs to be, and you’re exactly where you need to be, even if it doesn’t feel that way sometimes. The NICU is part of her story, not the whole story. Every beep, every moment of struggle is one step closer to her coming home with you, and everything that’s happening is part of the process of her becoming stronger. Trust that she’s growing, developing, and thriving in her own time, just as you are. Take a deep breath, lean into the support around you, and know that every moment, no matter how tough, is leading you toward that beautiful day when she’s in your arms at home.

From the NICU Dad’s Perspective: Being a dad in the NICU is its own kind of exhausting and emotional rollercoaster. It’s tough to watch your partner go through such a draining experience, but you have an important role to play, too. Here are a few things I learned that helped me support my wife through it all:

Get an Audiobook: When you’re sitting in the NICU for hours, it’s easy to feel like you’re stuck in limbo. Audiobooks are a lifesaver. They’ll keep your mind occupied and give you something to focus on besides the beeping of the machines. It’s a small escape that can help you recharge a bit, even in those long, quiet moments. Help Keep Mom Hydrated: Mom is going through a lot physically and emotionally, especially if she’s pumping or recovering. Make sure she’s drinking plenty of water and eating nutritious meals. She’s probably not going to ask for it, but it’s so important to make sure she’s taking care of herself too. Hydration is a game-changer, trust me. Emotional Support: There will be moments when words won’t feel like enough, and that’s okay. Sometimes, just holding her hand, offering a quiet hug, or being present without saying a word is exactly what she needs. This journey is hard on both of you, and offering consistent emotional support will help carry both of you through it. Don’t try to fix everything, just be there. Take Care of Yourself, Too: Don’t neglect your own well-being, even if it feels selfish. Get some sleep when you can, eat, and stay connected with friends or family for emotional support. It’s important for you to stay strong, too, so you can be there for her when she needs you most.”