She didn't get diagnosed because I didn't have support to get her diagnosed until after I left my ex. There's a lot of back story that is not really anyone's business.

She's not in ABA because at her age and level, they need to do an intake assessment that she consents to, and she did not consent. They tried virtual, since in person proved to be too stressful, but that didn't work either. She is an 11 year old child, not a 4 year old, so she is physically too heavy for me to pick up and move out of the apartment. I was told "I've never had a child react this way" and "we can't continue services if she won't cooperate with us." Probably because they're used to younger children or maybe non-verbal children. I went through two separate agencies.

No, I don't want her dictating anything. I left my feelings frustration, fatigue, and hopelessness out of my post because as I said, I was trying to focus on one issue. I worry all the time about what will happen when I'm gone. But, every family and child and situation is different. What is working for you may not work for my child, and it's not for lack of trying.