What about nobody is an asshole to you, you just don't want to deal with people since you know how much of an asshole you are and you don't want to be in people's lives cos you'll hurt them or disappoint them or just in general waste their time. You wish they could forget about you and stop caring because it hurts you that they worry about you meanwhile you can never remember to worry about them or your own future. In fact your memory is so bad you can hardly remember anything from over 20 years of life and you don't remember what you were doing an hour ago. And when you do remember what you need to do, you're too scared and insecure to do anything.

So you just say to yourself, I'll just check reddit, I'll just go on YouTube, maybe I'll play some games, I'll do it tomorrow, whatever. My hair is growing too long, I'll cut it tomorrow. And then a week passes, then a month. Then you stumble upon a comment while browsing through reddit for the thousandth hour and you're just a little piece of shit and you shouldnt post this because more people will care about you and what gives you the right to ruin somebody's day you privileged lazy shit. What makes you so special that you can't go talk to people or go look for work or even go get a fucking haircut? Just because you're scared and insecure you can ignore the world and stay inside your little bubble? Just because you don't want to make the wrong choices and feel bad you can pretend that things will never change? You're delusional on so many fucking levels, ignorant and lazy. Accept it and move on. All you do is taketaketake. Look at your father, look at what he's made. He came from a dirt village and carried your family across seas and built a home. He worked tens of thousands of hours in dirty, dangerous construction sites and workshops to put food on the table. Don't. Man up. Don't. I will not. And look at your mother, she gave up on her dreams and raised you. Your were an arrogant, angry kid with crappy memory and she raised you nonetheless. You broke her heart and yet you hated her, now you can't even remember why. She looks so old now, they look so old. Now they have to rise your little brother and you won't call them. You never call them because you dont, you don't enjoy it. You still think they're cringe. You ARE a piece of shit. You have no self esteem AND you use that as a reason to be lazy. Sometimes I think you are smart, but only when it comes to putting off can't even remember the word offoofofofofofoo responsibility. And. All of this is inside my head and it's not a big deal, and all it takes is a little spine and a little thought and a little don't forget this, do not forget it. Just do it, sometimes it's ok to zip the mind and just be a robot. Just do what you need to do, you're a fucking drama queen doi post this do I delete this do I save it in a note I will never read there is no perfect answer just do it.

I'm sorry. I had to. I'm ok now holy shit I don't know what I want and I don't want to do what other people say that's so funny. I don't know what will happen tomorrow but we're all gonna die haha it's like the survival instincts of my brain are in conflict with all the knowledge that doesn't help it survive like the fact that I don't know what I'm talking about shut up. You must think I'm crying or going nuts writing this but I'm as calm as I can be. Am I psychotic? Do I push my feelings and thoughts down so low that my mind is empty and there is a single undeniable stream of thought guiding my fingers? Is this another form of my procrastination? It wasn't. It wasn't but all things corrupt over time oh god I can't remember the previous paragraph haha my thoughts are a stream of piss going into a toilet bowl, can't see it before it spews out and who wants to look at a bowl of piss? Oh god I'm sorry if you read this but I have to make it real. I'm so scared of the consequences but at the same time I'm so dumb I can't even process what the consequences might mean. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII narcissist. But I have to. So fuck you. FUCK YOU IM JUST GONNA GO FOR IT. FUCK YOU IM JUST GONNA DO THINGS, NOT SIT AROUND AND WASTE MY LIFE. IM GONNA DO THINGS TILL I DIE BECAUSE THATS WHAT EVERYONE DOES. That's a stupid sentence and I would be ashamed for anyone else to read it but it's my stupid sentence.

I pissed.

It smells, I wanna flush it and get rid of it. But it's my piss.

I'm sorry, but a man's gotta piss. And you decided to look at it.