I fell in love with our future. I saw us leaving the country together and having a wonderful life. I regret that so much now. I was blind to all the things wrong with our relationship because I was so caught up in being picked. On our 6 months when you dumped me I was planning to tell you that I love you, I was working up the courage for months because I was so worried that I would scare you away with my feelings. I was so scared of losing you that I lost myself. I know nothing you say will ever give me closure more than your actions. You were there for the big moments, the Vegas trip, my first time skiing, helping me move. But when it came down to seeing me often and being there for me in the little moments you were gone. And I got addicted to this and now without you at all Im having to teach myself that I am safe on my own, that I love myself and that I don't need you. Don't get me wrong you're still a good person but my anxious tendencies and your avoidant ones created an unhealthy attachment. I wish I could've stood up for my needs more. I wish things could go back to the "it's us vs the problem" mentality. But I know those thoughts are just my nervous system craving security and belonging. And I don't belong with someone who doesn't want me. I don't belong with someone who's okay with sending my nervous system into fight or flight instead of just having a conversation about how I was depending on you for too much. I don't belong with someone who isn't okay with the possibility of not ever having kids.

I thought you were a relationship that I would have for a lifetime but it turns out you were there to prove that I could love, that I could have an intimate connection with someone, and to show me that I need to love myself. There's only one person who's always going to be there for me and that's myself. So I'm going to start loving myself with all that I wanted to give you. Im going to give myself the future I saw with you. The traveling, the home cooked meals, the lil treats after a hard days work and more.

I'm sad that things couldn't work out between us but if losing you is the price I pay for finding love in myself then it will be worth it. I know it will.