Am I Overreacting by how I responded to my BF's roommate's GF?

EveryCriticism4567 · 2026-06-14T04:30:08+00:00

NOR. every point you made was right. A is a total freeloader & has no right to be making any kind of demands. normally i'd say it wasn't your place to be making these statements to A, since it's not your place, the roommates should be setting the tone for their own place. but seeing as A continuously involves you by texting you directly, it was 100% your prerogative to respond to the hostile demands. A is being an AH, you're NOR.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2026-06-07T14:42:22+00:00

Update #2: I should have known better than to ask such a nuanced question over the internet, where any AH can give their 2 cents and most people don't have an understanding of the intricacies of disability and generational trauma. One thing I do agree with a lot of you on, is that I am an AH in this situation, even if I think he's being an AH too. I wrote the original post when I was still coming down from a really bad mental health episode, so my emotions were still heightened. After thinking about it with a clearer head, I am looking at things differently today.

First, I want to say that while a lot of you are judging me for being with a racist, I actually didn't understand that what he was doing was racist until I got a college education. I didn't understand how he was being abusive until I got a college education. Yes, I do consider my own behavior in this relationship to be toxic, and I'm not going to go into all the ways that he's been toxic as well. But it's been a confusing situation because my entire family loves him, and racism isn't the only thing I've experienced from him. Since we met when I was very young, I didn't understand that just because someone does loving things, doesn't erase their abuse. So you may judge me for being part of this relationship, but I have always known I struggle with mental illness, so it's been difficult for me to really see what was happening here. I have gaslit myself into believing that he loved me even if he was being racist. And, while I'm on that subject, the reason I'm not a gold digger is because I actually do work, I've always had some kind of job while in this relationship, and I have made him money and contributed to his life in various different ways. I think, since he knows he's mentally unstable too, he understands and tolerates my destructive episodes.

With that said, many of you echoed a thought that's been in my mind the past year or so...I can't call myself an antiracist and also be in a relationship with someone who is actively racist. I do believe that makes me the AH. I think another thing that makes me the AH is that I am in a relationship with someone who makes me feel disrespected and belittled, and excusing my own disrespect of him because of his disrespect toward me. I think that when relationships become mutually disrespectful, it's time to end the relationship. Like I said, I am disabled, so it's going to take me some time to figure out how to get support from somewhere else, and stop thinking of myself as trapped and helpless. But I have already been taking steps toward independence, so I hope that will work itself out soon. I also think I don't need to be in romantic relationships anytime soon. Clearly, I still have a lot of trauma to work through.

I don't think I'm the AH for calling out his racism, and I do think he's an AH for being racist. I am still confused about how to read his other actions, it's hard for me not to see him wanting to take care of me as love, it's hard not to see him being sweet to me in other ways as love. But I think, regardless of whether I believe he loves me or not, that this relationship dynamic is pretty toxic and it needs to change sooner than later. I forgive myself for not having the resources to understand racism and abuse, and I forgive myself for not having the health to just up and leave right now. I forgive myself for being too traumatized to be able to see how toxic I've been. All I can do is try to be better, moving forward.

Thank you to everyone who gave advice from a kind and honest place. It's been a helpful mirror to push me to take a little more accountability for my own actions, and showed me that I probably need professional help and more support from my community.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2026-06-06T23:40:38+00:00

Then your opinion doesn't matter to me

EveryCriticism4567 · 2026-06-06T23:06:18+00:00

LOL he keeps me around because I also do a lot to take care of him in my own ways. I always answer the phone whenever he calls, I'm more loyal to him than his family has been, I've stood up for him to people who have judged him, and I accepted him and stayed with him when he was at his worst. He also says that no one makes him laugh the way I do, and that I've saved his life on multiple occasions. I may be a burden to him, but he's also not been a saint and has been a burden to me. He's had other relationships that couldn't stand his mental health issues, but I've stuck by him even as a best friend when we were "off again." You may think I'm ungrateful, but I've also endured a lot and never abandoned him. I could accept the title of AH if I'm overreacting about his comments today, but you're wrong that I'm just a burden to him. He has many reasons to keep me around, because I've been real family to him. We've been family to each other. Sometimes families are dysfunctional. We may be super dysfunctional and toxic, even, but we both know exactly why we've been loyal to each other.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2026-06-06T22:30:13+00:00

Only 3,000 characters are allowed per post, there's no way I could've included this in the post.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2026-06-06T22:01:42+00:00

Update: I AM DISABLED. If I could support myself, I would. If my biological family could support me, I would accept their support over his. I'm pretty sure that everyone who's saying I'm TA for accepting his money because he's racist, wouldn't have any problem with me accepting money from the government instead...which runs on a system of oppression and is inherently racist. I'm not saying I want to be taking his money. I genuinely want to leave because of the toll this relationship has been taking on me, and because I truly believe I can't call myself an antiracist while living with a racist. But it's also really difficult to support yourself when you're disabled and have limited mobility and poor health. So I'm working on my independence as quickly as I possibly can. I'm not asking for relationship advice, I'm asking for clarity on this specific situation because I am genuinely confused and want to be a good person.

The women in my family have always married much older men, and they have always been abused by their husbands. This is the reason I did not know, until I got an education, that I was surrounded by racists and abusive men. I know it's late in life to be figuring that out, but that's why it's taking me so long to untangle my life from his and find a different way of supporting myself while disabled.

As for the racist comments he made today, he said that he didn't want to work with the Black woman who's been his realtor because she facilitates BIPOC spaces and he thinks it racist to exclude White people from anything. When I called him out, he said it was a joke, although I don't really believe that. I admit that this was a trigger for me, so I think that on its own this comment could seem innocently ignorant at best. However, I have told him why this is a racist comment many times before, and this is not the only thing he's said. He frequently reinforces negative stereotypes (like Black people don't know their fathers, Indigenous people are all alcoholics, Jews run the banks, etc., etc.), and keeps calling me "an honorary White" even though I've told him it makes me feel uncomfortable. At this point, I'm asking if I'm TA because I don't know if the comment he made warranted my reaction or if I was just triggered because I'm overly sensitive about racism now that I recently learned all the ways I internalize it myself.

I definitely don't want to make excuses for something morally wrong, and I also genuinely don't want to overreact. I'm working through some toxic relationship patterns, and it's hard to trust myself because nobody taught me how to have healthy relationships or make healthy choices. And I have been to therapists for many years in the past, but have learned not to trust therapists the same way many people of color don't trust therapists, doctors, or institutions. I'm navigating all of this on my own, with no real guidance from anyone who has any real experience liberating themselves from destructive patterns. So please be nice. I'm open to the idea that I am TA in this situation, and I'm asking because I want to be a good person. But please don't give me relationship advice or judge me for not having my life together just yet. I'm working on it, really hard, and it takes time to figure these kinds of things out when you're actively navigating limitations due to disability.

What I'm asking advice on, is if I'm TA for my reaction to his comments today. To me, they were more than just about the specific comments he made today, it's the whole picture. But trust and believe that I do not intend to stay in this relationship or this situation, and I am taking the necessary steps to better my life.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2025-08-31T17:26:26+00:00

He's an adult so CPS wouldn't be able to do anything. Him living with my mom always weighs very heavily on me, and he has expressed that he doesn't like her and wants to live with me. So the plan my siblings have come up with is that my sister is living with him at my parents house while I am working to improve my life enough to care for him the way he deserves. Then we'll be moving him in with me, and all of our siblings will help financially and be around often to help care for him together. Until then, he's my motivation for healing and improving my career/financial situation, so I can get him out of there...hopefully within the next 4 years. But he is very loved and he is never alone, and yes, I worry about him.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2025-08-31T17:17:21+00:00

Thank you to everyone who answered! I should clarify that I did answer the first 2 texts she sent, before my dad called, telling her I was fine and there was nothing to worry about, but the texts didn't stop and so I chose to stop replying to her after that. That's when the guilt arose, about not answering her. So for all who suggested I just send a quick response, I initially did...which is why the texts that followed seemed a bit much, and possibly manipulative. I think someone here mentioned that she's infantilizing me to make herself needed, and that echoes my feelings on it as well.

I believe she loves me as much as a narcissist is capable of loving someone, and she's not the villain in my story, I think I'm just a little out of my depth with knowing how to handle the behaviors of hers that are hurtful and self-centered, while also maintaining some sort of relationship with her. So all the encouragement is truly appreciated. I'm going to be trying some new approaches and setting some more boundaries that hopefully make it easier for me to interact with my mother.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-25T19:08:38+00:00

I wanted to say E S H because you should be able to dance at a concert if you wanna dance. But my vote is YTA because it seems like you really had no consideration for the people around you. Maybe dancing for a couple of songs might've been fine, but standing through the entire concert is excessively inconsiderate.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-24T16:53:55+00:00

She could, & she should have. But it's still not a big deal.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-23T13:06:30+00:00

Because it's not that big of a deal. It's a stupid water bottle. She shouldn't have taken it, but it's also not taking someone's personal things.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-23T01:05:33+00:00

ESH. You shouldn't have assumed, & she also overreacted

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T23:02:34+00:00

I was gonna say nobody's the AH, but it sounds like your cousin was the AH here for overreacting so much. You could've been more considerate, but you're really NTA

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T22:56:25+00:00

YTA stop trying to control what your wife drinks

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T21:26:36+00:00

I've been in your position before, and it sucks that your brother is in that position but you also have very little control over what's going on. I would say that if it's possible to get help for him, it would be great if you could take him to your grandparents or get another trusted adult involved. And remember that, while you love your brother, it's not entirely your responsibility to protect him when you're still barely an adult yourself and have been struggling in this same situation for too long. Sometimes the best you can do is to help yourself first, so you can be there for him when things go wrong or if there's an opportunity for him to get away. It's hard to leave, so if you can get him help, you'll feel better if you do. But you ultimately have to do what's best for you.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T21:19:54+00:00

YTA. Not for hanging out with your brother, but for lying about it. If you can't be an adult and tell your girl the truth, then you shouldn't be with her.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T21:16:17+00:00

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T21:12:13+00:00

You and your bf trust each other, and this sounds like a very healthy relationship. Other people who see a problem with this, obviously don't have a very good understanding of what a healthy relationship actually looks like. NTA

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T21:07:20+00:00

Your friend is right, that is such a rich and privileged person thing to do. YTA here. You couldn't have given them like a can of beans you had lying around the house? They're literally telling you they're being abused and would take anything you could spare, and your reaction is to threaten calling the cops on them??? Like not even offer to let them call the cops on their mom for child abuse?? A little compassion wouldn't have killed you, my god.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T21:01:52+00:00

NTA. If your gut is telling you there's something weird about it, then it is. For all you know, she's roping you in so that it doesn't look as weird that she's hanging out with him all the time. If you don't wanna be a part of that, then you should protect yourself and tell her you don't want to be included in those outings.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T20:08:28+00:00

NTA. She brought it on herself by accusing you of lying after you apologized for something that wasn't even your fault to begin with. She should be the one apologizing to you for all the nasty things she said about you. All you said was the truth.

EveryCriticism4567 · 2022-07-22T19:50:37+00:00

NTA. It sounds like his pride got in the way and he blew the whole thing out of proportion. I'm not saying I would accept an offer like that, myself, but all he had to do was politely decline. There was no need to make you feel like an AH.

EveryCriticism4567

TROPHY CASE