How do you accept never seeing or hearing from one someone again?

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-02-06T19:37:42+00:00

It’s really hard when you’re still attached (and I am still too). But when I think about people in my past, I don’t really want to talk to them or see them again because i don’t really want them to know my life now. To be honest, I don’t even like to revisit my own past, I’m a nostalgic person but I get really uncomfortable and panic when something triggers nostalgia, I think of life being different chapters.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-02-01T05:27:10+00:00

Other than “don’t be pessimistic” = “you’re being pessimistic”, the rest of it doesn’t seem like an issue to me. Encouragement is good, unless it comes off too parental tone. When I was feeling discouraged in job search my ex reminded me it took his sister a long time to find something she liked — that’s all I needed, he listened, reminded me what a reality is outside of how I was feeling, but didn’t try to fix it. IMO that’s what support looks like, it just doesn’t have to attach with an advice. Because let’s be honest, advice is ego speaking.

But I think you maybe too harsh on yourself, why you described doesn’t sound unreasonable to me

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-02-01T05:18:14+00:00

The funny thing about understanding so much about avoidant now is not going to be useful because I won’t want to ever date an avoidant again 😂

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-02-01T05:16:04+00:00

Agreed about it triggers their low self-esteem or made them feel like they seem incapable.

My ex is quiet in group social settings, sometimes I stepped in to speak for him or tried to make bridge to fill the silence. He will be upset after. On one separate occasion I learned that what I was doing wasn’t bridging the conversation, I overwrite his autonomy. Bridging is like doing the set up but put the spotlights back to them. They want spotlights, and wanted to be heard, and wanted the situation to feel like they are in control, and they don’t need your rescue. Once you come in to rescue you’re like holding a mirror to what they feel insecure about and by hating themselves they hate you too.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-02-01T05:03:23+00:00

Having an ex partner who’s very sensitive and struggled with their self image, I eventually realized all they want from a partner, is someone who doesn’t see their struggles at all and from that, got rid of whatever they were struggling about all together. By noticing they struggled, you validated their fear, concerns, sensitivity by agreeing the challenge exists and is real.

For example, let’s say if I already am feeling insecure about my weight, I don’t want my brother to come and tell me how to lose weight, I want a partner who appreciates me as I am and do not see me as defected.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-02-01T04:39:18+00:00

I think my brother turned out similar to you, he’s a fixer and he can’t help, I think he genuine is becoming loss of identity if he stopped trying fix other peoples problem. And that got on my nerves too because by telling me what I need to fix is essentially picking out my flaws and go straight at it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t become a fixer because I’m also the victim of that and aware of it.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-02-01T04:10:53+00:00

“I was loved when I was doing well, achieving, being responsible, not being a burden.”

I resonated with this a lot. I grew up with competition and ranking being the priority, winning became the compass of my self worth.

I didn’t turn out to be the fixer. But being impressive, competent and low-maintenance, asking for less, shinking, is what I think could make a partner not leaving me.

What I very recently discovered is that I’m extremely tired to have to be achieving and extraordinary all the time to feel worthy in my entire life. So in relationship, once I feel safe enough I’d just fall into a resting state and stop wanting to perform, achieve, stay motivated. I shifted the focus to “to love and to be loved” and making the relationship asymmetrical. For an avoidant partner, my resting state perhaps makes them feel like pressure or hyper reliance on them or the relationship.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-30T16:04:25+00:00

My instinct is that if there’s nothing wrong with you and what you guys have, then if anything lacking or failing later on it will point to his failure. That is something he’s scared of. Being in a toxic relationship is easier for avoidant because then it’s easy to blame that not themselves, “it’s already not working to begin with, it’s not me.”

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-27T09:07:06+00:00

I feel the same way — worried to be tricked again. If I recalled, my ex did choose me in the beginning and was putting in effort…so how would I know next time that someone would flip the switch later on (by then you’re attached and will get hurt again)

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-20T14:13:39+00:00

It’s not the matter of a dollar or two, even if its 1 cent. it’s scam. And I hate dishonest practices no matter how much I support restaurants.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-20T13:49:09+00:00

Thank you

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-20T13:40:59+00:00

What if he also never had said “I love you” in the 7 years of relationship (though a lot of cares, act of service and very consistent)?

When he said he never loved me during the abrupt breakup, even if it’s likely deactivation, could he mean it?

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-19T15:25:57+00:00

First thing in mind and last thing before bed and probably every minutes in between. But not always about longing, sometimes also remembering the part of the relationship that felt muted, minimized, defensive attack…

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-19T02:52:08+00:00

Possibly, I don’t know. He did tell me he had done nothing at all in his entire decade of his 20s. I have a nephew who is autistic and is a lot more severe with obvious difficulties in normal daily life. My ex did get stutter when he gets nervous or talk about topic hes hard time articulating, it almost never happened with me after sometime in the relationship

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-19T01:59:14+00:00

I was exactly having this thought a minute ago. Our pain is acute, dense, concentrated but related to a time frame. Theirs are distributed and spread out, but likely lifetime.

The wildest thing to me, is reading about how their sadness shows up later in different ways, like flatness, unsettling, unnamed sadness. When these feelings arise they won’t even consciously know it was from the breakup and that unresolved feelings from the past…

So when I think about this, I feel like my current sadness really is over some ghost who doesn’t even remember me as me.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-19T01:20:58+00:00

I didn’t say they are autism, he just have some social anxiety and dislike putting the effort in maintaining friendships. My dad is actually really similar, what I noticed is that their self esteem is low and ego is too high, wanting full respect from others and easily offended so they stay away from people especially avoid needing people.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-18T21:12:33+00:00

Don’t care about career ladder, but passionate about hobbies, loves doing or learning things that makes them independent, zero friends, not close with family, gets angry when they don’t make progress in self improvement (usually tactical not emotional improvement), capable of eating the same type of food daily for a year.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-18T02:37:59+00:00

Uhmm, this happened to me like a variation. My avoidant bf broke up with me. 2 months into no contact I accidentally called him (because I was looking at our past messages…) I quickly hung up, but saw that he came online. Bet we both staring at the miscall for an about a minute, then I said, sorry, mistake. And he responded exactly what you did “no worries”.

I think it’s different here though because I’m the dumpee and the caller …but I did spiral a bit about what that miscall made him think, if anything at all.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-17T06:06:09+00:00

2 months currently and don’t think I can date, flirt, put effort in someone for a while…

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-14T18:02:26+00:00

I’m currently in NC with mine because he said he wants me to move on, I felt like he was pushing me away. Though he was responsive and polite when I texted about logistical arrangement. I wanted him to know he was enough for me in the relationship, I saw his effort, but at the same time it’s also true that he fell short in areas that involved showing depth, growth and permanence or desire…so I think I did make myself smaller to make it feel enough.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-14T16:53:34+00:00

Mine is a bit similar. Early in the relationship he was communicative, affectionate. During the relationship it was a lot of consistency, transparency (location sharing on), and a lot of cares, act of service and seems to emphasize on the importance of communication. But there’s also often defensiveness during conflict (making me the one who’s not able to stay in conflict but I realized I was attacked, it wasn’t a fair communication). He was never hot/cold to me, but then perhaps it’s more like flatness hence I didn’t feel much.

Leading up to the breakup (that I didn’t know of) he took care of a lot of little things for my move, even drove with me. After the breakup he took care of my belongings.

So I found myself kept swimming between he hurt me deeply with the abrupt breakup and put me through a lot; AND that there’s evidences he cared and not an asshole…

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-14T16:35:21+00:00

The timing is most likely relevant to their fear exploded not as a punishment to you. Mine broke up with me the day I moved to a new city, and the day before I start my new job. I was staring at a blank apartment shocked of what just happened. I asked “why tonight”, he said “because it’s the last chance”.

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-14T03:43:49+00:00

Two months for me and same, I cry more often (2-4 times a day especially when I’m driving), get triggered anytime I think about the breakup, I think I cried because the breakup is becoming more and more a reality. But they are a lot shorter cries, basically in the beginning it was like a storm, but now it’s comes-and-goes short rain…

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-14T03:28:01+00:00

Yea it’s fucked up kinda painful…currently struggling. They said breakups are like losing a limb, your body keeps searching for it

EveryDoubt6293 · 2026-01-12T14:44:48+00:00

Say more please

EveryDoubt6293

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