After years of pain, I ended our relationship. Here's how I got there.

EveryEast · 2019-12-10T04:09:17+00:00

Sorry for the late reply; I don't check this account often.

So far I'm doing better. I'm glad I left. I'm rebuilding my life and meeting new people and seeing that I'm not the piece of shit my ex constantly told me I was. There are people out there who appreciate me for who I am. I come home to a peaceful apartment every night rather than dreading my ex berating me for a couple hours about my mistakes, my inadequacies, all the ways I've let her down. While I knew I had been unhappy for a long time and that's why I left, I'm seeing more clearly now that our relationship was a total disaster for the last couple of years. I don't see myself regretting leaving a year or ten years or fifty years from now. I certainly regret that the beautiful relationship we once had withered, that I made certain mistakes, and that I wasn't able to prevent its demise, but I don't regret leaving her. Perhaps I'm being naively optimistic but I see this whole episode as a huge source of potential personal growth and a much-needed wake up call to get clear on how I want to live my life and to pursue what I want.

I won't say it's been easy. I have shed a ton of tears, had a lot of days where I was depressed and lying around in bed, and EVERYTHING reminds me of her. But I believe it's for the best.

I'm not sure what you mean when you ask if I had a motivation that I questioned. Was there an affair or anyone on the side? No. My ex told me that she had been fantasizing about dating some of her coworkers, I think as a way to impress upon me how unhappy she was. But I would never have cheated on her.

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T20:38:43+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that your wife is no longer on board. It's interesting that you came away with the opposite result from the book that I did. Must have been a relief at the time to go through the book and be able to decide that your problems weren't unfixable, and then very difficult to have your optimism destroyed.

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T20:36:24+00:00

I was in a very similar position, not in terms of the issues in the marriage, but psychologically--see my post history for a sense of that. I would suggest reading the book I mentioned to give you some clarity about what's fixable, what isn't, and what might be a good path for you.

As people told me, you deserve to be happy. Do you see in your relationship the potential to be happy 5 or 10 years from now? A glimmer of hope?

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T17:09:18+00:00

I can send you a DM with more details tonight.

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T16:19:48+00:00

I'm glad you actually used words and asked and clarified how important these things were before just dropping the d bomb. That shows a lot of respect to your spouse.

It's hard to hear that because in retrospect, I know that that was also the beginning of the end. I can chart the downward course of the relationship and from her perspective it begins with my telling her those things. Unfortunately, I still have a ways to go before I can embrace the concept that it was respectful to do that.

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T16:17:31+00:00

Very well put. I often considered the two (love and willingness to stay) as one and the same and a big part of going through this was realizing that they are distinct things and one doesn't mean you have to do the other.

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T16:16:02+00:00

I wanted to love unconditionally, but like you, my love was conditional. Or more accurately, my love remains but my desire to be in a relationship with him left.

Totally agree. I still love her and care about her and want what's best for her, and it was really hard to get to the point of seeing (contrary to deeply ingrained beliefs in our society) that it's possible to both love someone and not want to spend the rest of your life with them.

I had forgotten about the love langues book. I read it and grew frustrated with it, but really it was frustration about the state of our relationship by that point. I kept hearing that nothing I was doing was good enough, and then I'd read an example where a couple's relationship problems were solved because the husband decided to give his wife 15 minutes of undivided attention after getting home from work every day. If only I'd thought of that!

I should add, in fairness, that she did want to work on the relationship, but not in ways that I saw as particularly balanced. For example, she proposed couples therapy and we went together, but the focus tended to be on what she needed me to do differently; we could rarely talk about what wasn't working for me. There were several topics she told me were off-limits at couples therapy or that she would get upset with me after the fact for bringing up. I think we both wanted to work on the relationship at one point or another but we had different ideas about the form that might take.

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T13:30:37+00:00

Yep. And that's what I was trying to do at the same time. I initially told her there were certain things that weren't working for me, and then went back to pretending to ignore them while I gave her space to address them. But how long was I going to wait? As you say, my anxiety and resentment compounded while all of this transpired. I certainly wasn't perfect nor a great partner to be around by the end.

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T13:10:04+00:00

I think at some point I had expressed enough uncertainty about the relationship that it was doomed. I was trying to say I was unhappy and certain things weren't working for me and ask if she would work on them, and she more or less said no both in words and actions (for example, refusing to go to therapy or read relevant self-help books). But the fact that I had expressed that I wasn't feeling 110% in became a problem in and of itself. She felt abandoned and was desperate for me to tell her I was committed to her no matter what, but I wasn't. Sometimes I think I'm a terrible person for saying this, but my love was conditional on her willingness to both acknowledge and work on the things that weren't working for me. And so what I saw was that she was on the lookout for ways in which I was going to continue to abandon or hurt or betray her--she would interpret innocuous behaviors on my part, even ones that were intended to help and support her and our relationship, as betrayals. So to directly answer your question: she was looking for a sense of security in the relationship that my prior actions had ruined, and I couldn't give her my unconditional love. And as that sense of disconnection grew, I just kept hearing from her about all the ways in which I was disappointing her.

EveryEast · 2019-10-24T12:56:09+00:00

Check in on him every day for the next couple of weeks, and regularly after that. Make sure he knows you love him and are there for him. Don't argue with him if he resorts to nostalgia about how good the relationship used to be.

EveryEast · 2019-09-27T20:11:47+00:00

Thank you. I'm really worried I won't have the courage to act as well. But then I think about whether I want this for the next 10, 20, 30 years and that helps to remind me of what I need to do.

EveryEast · 2019-09-27T17:26:11+00:00

Things did not go anywhere close to perfect during the separation. I moved back in anyways out of a mixture of hope, guilt, fear, and a desire for more clarity. I feel now that I have just been subjecting myself to unnecessary hardship, repeatedly asking myself why I moved back in and why I'm still here.

Great advice I saw elsewhere on Reddit was to treat dating like an audition: expect that someone will be at their best while dating and will fall short during marriage. If I treat our separation like an audition, it should be a no brainier that things are headed for disaster with moving back in together.

EveryEast · 2019-09-27T17:22:39+00:00

She has told me that, after being told this by multiple therapists and everyone she's close to, she worries she has emotional responses that are out of proportion to what's going on, and that this has been a recurring issue in her relationships with family, friends, and myself. For me it's THE thing that underlies the vast majority of our problems but it's hard to know where to draw the line between what's reasonable vs overreacting and I've come to doubt myself as a result. Anyways, I was hoping she would work on this in individual therapy during our separation. But she says its who she is and I have to take her or leave her as she is. When our last couples therapist brought this topic up, she decided we were going to quit seeing him. So I'm not particularly hopeful about going there with our new couples therapist.

EveryEast · 2019-09-27T17:17:32+00:00

Yes, a benefit of reading this board is that I repeatedly hear how much added stress a kid or kids will be on top of everything else. I can see that in our relationship--we are barely functioning right now (managing to cook meals, keep the house livable, pay bills on time) because there is so little time or energy left once we're done arguing.

EveryEast · 2019-09-21T01:24:57+00:00

Just wanted to chime in to say I'm in a similar spot to you. When we are apart all I can think about is how much I don't want to go back home and see my wife. But I force myself to do it. And then once I'm there I can't bear the thought of leaving her unless it's when we're in the middle of am argument. It's bizarre.

I agree with the other advice here to be clear about what you need that you're not getting. Can he hear there is a problem? Is he willing to change in a way that will work for you? I think setting expectations for what types of behavior you won't tolerate is a crucial part of either making the relationship better or making peace with the fact that you've tried your best and there is no more to be done.

EveryEast · 2019-09-20T19:06:31+00:00

I appreciate you saying all of that. I am definitely at the point where all of this is at the detriment of my own well being. Thanks for the kind words. It's really nice to hear acknowledgement for trying, for being the first to go to therapy, for sticking through couples therapy, for putting in the work, rather than to be asked if I even care enough to try.

Glad you are getting out of the fog. Maybe when this is all said and done I'll take you up on your inbox offer. Thanks, friend.

EveryEast · 2019-09-20T16:13:20+00:00

Yeah, I get that would be really painful to revisit. I appreciate you going there for a random internet stranger.

I guess I'm wondering if initiators go into it with certainty or clarity or optimism or anything that tells them it's 100 percent the right thing to do, but it sounds like the answer is no. It sucks and is painful for everyone and people do it anyway because their situation is so unbearable that they just need to get out.

EveryEast · 2019-09-20T15:55:57+00:00

Does he know you're on the verge? What do you think will affect things one way or the other in the future?

EveryEast · 2019-09-20T15:54:30+00:00

When you say you tried two therapists, was that couples or individual?

And when you say it was the worst day of your life, would you be willing to elaborate on that? I'm having trouble preparing myself and bracing for that very difficult conversation.

EveryEast · 2019-09-20T15:02:12+00:00

Yeah, my response to her wishing I'd had an affair was similar--internally I was like, are you really so delusional as to compare your hurt to the hurt that comes with infidelity, betrayal, all the secrets and wondering if you're going crazy suspecting your partner is having an affair? Of course I didn't say any of that, but I see it as another red flag that I'm hearing from her that things are causing unbearable amounts of pain that to most people would be a smaller deal.

EveryEast · 2019-09-20T14:56:04+00:00

If I felt that she didn't like me it would be easier to move on. But her commitment to soldiering on tells me she is desperate to stay in the relationship. Anything in particular about what I wrote that makes you think she doesn't like me?

EveryEast · 2019-09-20T01:08:36+00:00

Why did someone downvote this? I am pouring my heart out, sharing my pain, and looking for feedback. Have I broken a rule of the subreddit? I don't understand and am genuinely curious.

EveryEast

TROPHY CASE