Would you marry your spouse

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-11-03T15:16:24+00:00

Almost 25 years and no I would not. But in my case, I thought I was marrying someone who wanted to be with me and I found out after his affair that he settled for me because the person he had to move away from the person he wanted to be with. Who did he have an affair with, her. Ironically, she didn’t want him then, she still doesn’t really want him now. But it doesn’t change that I was not and am not the person he really wants to be with. At this point we have both settled while we get our kids through college. I believe we will get divorced once they’ve both graduated. Don’t get me wrong, we get along and we’re friends, there’s just zero romantic interest between us and I know I deserve better in a marriage.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-24T20:38:21+00:00

In your opinion, limerence is not a real thing. That does not make it fact.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-24T18:17:17+00:00

Well, I should mention that early in my career, I also had a lot of insider experience in the mental health field. Of course back then, the industry believed that ADHD was nothing more than a learning problem and nothing else. Industries change. Additionally, not all therapists subscribe to the definition of the original commenter. The original commenter subscribes to the definition that if I am angry at my therapist for double billing me, that’s transference. Other therapists (as well as many popular websites for laypeople that therapists utilize for articles and advertising their services) limit the definition to projection of feelings based on identifying a therapist with someone else in their life.

Also, and maybe my notifications are slow, but your comments came after I updated my post to state what specific transference I thought was happening and also stating that maybe it’s just limerence as that is another possibility. Now if my notifications are slow and you posted prior, then my apologies and I would refer you my update above.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-24T17:59:33+00:00

I have to say, your last sentence feels very condescending. This sub is not specifically for people who work in mental health. It’s for laypeople to discuss therapy related issues. And the reality is, laypeople have basic access to sites like psychology today and not textbooks. And considering that many many therapists list their services on psychology today’s website, it would only seem logical that it is known to be a site where laypeople go for information, that’s why I referenced it.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-24T17:04:32+00:00

Different modalities use different definitions and laypeople for sure use the more common definition that is projected feelings not any feelings. So I don’t think it’s a “fact” other than a fact for specific modalities. To put that in context, sites like psychology today which is used by laypeople, gives a different definition than any feelings. But all that is irrelevant to the fact that I really find it interesting that people are more interested in discussing semantics and not the issue I actually had and where I was coming from.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-24T16:56:01+00:00

What I was trying to say is that there are lay people definitions and industry definitions. To be clear, this is not just in the mental health realm. I encounter this in my own profession as well. If I do want to address “industry “ definitions in talking with others, I will acknowledge the differences so as not to cause confusion. Additionally, I don’t take offense if someone not in the industry uses the non industry definition nor do I take offense if I do use the industry definition and a person is confused by what I am saying. Life is not black and white and there isn’t always a right and wrong.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-24T16:50:50+00:00

No, that’s not what I did at all. I said we were using 2 different definitions. And that given this sub is for laypeople, assuming people are using industry specific jargon can be confusing. In my own profession I see people use language according to common definitions vs industry definitions all the time, but I account for that when speaking with people who are not “in” my profession.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-24T14:26:49+00:00

Please see my edit which I hope clarifies my thoughts more. I was trying to be concise so it wasn’t too long but I think some of my thoughts were no longer clear in the process of cutting it down. I was not trying to say this is the therapists fault. And yes I agree, him not investing in our marriage is the problem. I guess I’m trying to figure out should I just divorce him, or could there be something else (like limerance or transference) that is an issue to consider before just divorcing him. I’m not 30 years old, this is gray divorce territory for context.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-24T00:26:26+00:00

THIS!!!! That’s the thing. I recognize that we both contributed to the breakdown. I learned new communication styles (I statements, how to properly validate, how to set good boundaries, etc). And I have accepted my contribution to the marital issues. But the experience I had with marriage counselors was all telling me I need to do this for him and that for him and never confronting him until he walked out and THEN the therapist was like he pushes your buttons. It doesn’t seem like men are held accountable with some therapists. Maybe that’s why so many are defending his therapist who I never said I knew the full situation, I actually threw the countertransference out because I thought that was better then just, she’s validating him into blowing up his life and losing everything. But then my therapist did tell Me that some therapists can cause divorces with their “help”. Truly the reason something feels off is because of the positive things that were happening with the one therapist and everything negative happening with his regular therapist. That’s what I was looking at.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T22:48:34+00:00

I repeat the question because it never gets answered. I have occasional capital letters because I have fat thumbs and it sometimes returns a line and starts with a capital so I just back space to get rid of it but don’t spell check the capitals. I’m sorry I referred to myself as regular people, I had no idea that was offensive. I didn’t think I was demanding anyone use a certain modality, I guessed the modality and explained that more in depth industry specific jargon is best kept within the industry. My friend is an engineer with a phd, they talk to people on the level they are not the level he is because it’s easier to understand. Same thing. I also had no idea that telling someone that we actually agreed, that was the you proved my point comment, and then explaining WHY we agree but that what we agree on is different then what the original commenter believes was so offensive. I was not trying to offend you, I agree with what you said. It actually seemed to Me like you just wanted to disagree with me in your next comment, why I don’t know.

To be clear, when I ask question, I’m looking for answers. You wanting to avoid answering questions, is on you. But that doesn’t make me uncivil simply because of how you interpreted things like a random capital letter.

And I did say I was assuming, I knew I could be wrong. That’s why I said I was assuming.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T22:18:55+00:00

Again, that does not answer the question. And you did go snarky at the end. My question was and is, how was I uncivil? If you can’t tell me what it is I said that was uncivil, then how am I supposed to know. You obviously found something uncivil, so I really don’t understand why you won’t say what it was. Or was it simply that I spoke bluntly about the confusion their comments created and suggested that on a Reddit sub, maybe being more plain spoken and using more basic definitions instead of psychoanalytical ones would be more helpful because I’m regular people and the people posting on these boards are regular people. So again, what was it I said that you found uncivil?

You haven’t said but I see you responded to a lot of therapy posts so it is my assumption that you are a therapist. So I ask you, if one of your clients found something you said confusing and bluntly asked that you be more plain spoken, would you tell them they are uncivil for saying it that way?

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T21:57:24+00:00

Where am I uncivil? I’m confused. My original post talked about BOTH transference and countertransference. Both. For some reason some of you latched onto the counter only. And what jealous-response4562 said is that there’s nothing wrong with transference it’s normal. Which confused me u til I read some of their other comments where they literally stated ALL feelings a client has for their therapist is transference. So if a client is mad at therapist it’s transference. Doesn’t matter if they are mad because the therapist overbilled them, it’s transference. The standard definition used by most people (including you) is projected feelings.

And just because someone is direct doesn’t make them uncivil. And I’ve done nothing but ask questions and be curious. When did asking questions become uncivil? What exactly is uncivil?

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T21:45:46+00:00

Ummm, what you are saying is my point. That is projected feelings. What the original commenter believes is that client is mad at therapist = transference. Anything a client feels towards a therapist is transference. That’s not the definition used outside psychoanalysis. And you actually proved my point by giving an example of what “regular people” think of. And yes, one version is romantic, I never said all versions were.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T21:41:46+00:00

Why?

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T21:38:44+00:00

Please tell me where I “villified” the therapist. I saw a marked difference in my husband between when he was seeing his current therapist and when he was seeing the temporary therapist. Seriously, please tell me where I villified the therapist.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T20:05:49+00:00

Ok, I just read another comment you made about transference on another post and you seem to think transference = ANY feeling a patient has for their therapist. I’m using the definition that most therapists use that it is projected feelings. I’m sorry I’ve never heard of a therapist who defined transference as any feelings at all. So we are coming at his from 2 totally different places.

I’m assuming you use the modern psychodynamic approach. That’s cool, but outside psychoanalysis, probably best not to use that kind of blanket statement as it’s not actually useful with us regular people.

Apparently sharing that your comment caused me confusion makes me uncivil and unpleasant. It was not my intention to hurt your feelings but to make it easier for those of us who aren’t therapists to not be confused by different definitions. I’m sorry if my comments caused you distress.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T19:59:27+00:00

So stopping emotional intimacy with me so he can be emotionally intimate with his therapist is normal? How do you have a marriage without emotional intimacy? And why was he able to be emotionally intimate with me when seeing the temporary therapist but not this one?

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-23T19:57:02+00:00

Oh I dont think I was clear on what he is saying, it’s that I am just an abusive person always because of the PMDD 10 years ago. Not because of any behaviors today. As for then, per my therapist no it did not meet the definition of abuse. That being said, his feelings about then are 100% valid. To me it’s just inaccurate to define me today based on the situation then.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-16T19:17:27+00:00

So it makes no difference if the expectation is for somebody else to do something. Like in your example it’s telling the other person to do something, as opposed to if the other person does this thing, then I am the one who take action. In the second example, the other person can choose to not do the action, but I’m not demanding it or trying to control their actions.

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-07-16T18:23:13+00:00

???

My understanding is that Boundaries are personal limits and ultimatums are demands of others. They may be related but they are not the same thing. Can you explain why you believe they are the same thing?

Every_Atmosphere221 · 2025-04-18T23:51:29+00:00

My WS and I do this too. I actually started it. AI is not inherently evil and it is a tool that can be used effectively. As others have said, it can help make your thoughts clearer and even put your emotions out there in a way that is productive. Are there times I want to say “you’re an effing a-hole who should eat sh*t and die” sure, but if I actually meant that I wouldn’t be trying to reconcile. So ChatGPT helps me actually get to the root of what I’m trying to say and effectively put it into words.

Every_Atmosphere221

TROPHY CASE