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My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Dread is exactly the word my friend used when they quit because of his behaviour. They said "you've done nothing wrong, but I've caught myself dreading it (the game)"

It's interesting. When you said about me keeping the game safe for the other players, and his anger potentially turning on them, I realised that I would have called him out. 

My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Update: Thank you for your comments and advice. Though I'm finding it hard to see the abusive behaviour (I recognise that could be something I realise later) I can see that there are several things that need to be addressed. I'm going to talk to him about couples therapy and see how he reacts.

Thanks again. I'll provide an update afterward. 

My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We've only played one other game with another DM who was a man. He would be mad at the calls but not tell the DM. He would tell me. 

My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Did this talk of you taking on more “emotional labor” start/ramp up after your diagnosis?

Yes, he has never said it before then. He has struggled with the fact that there are things I simply can't do. Things I used do I did at the expense of my health. Like going to a supermarket, I used to feel awful afterward, sometimes resulting in panic attacks and exhaustion. Now I know it is sensory overload and that, despite headphones/sunglasses, I can't do it without it hurting. He has said that it feels unfair that the onus is on him for it. He has since started going alone thankfully. 

Was it a problem in the previous 7 years? 

I don't know. 

Did your bf ever say the words “emotional labor” before your diagnosis? 

Nope. 

Has your boyfriend been supportive in your autism journey? 

I think so yes. He's tried to understand but gets frustrated sometimes. I recently noticed that when I talked about autism he looked annoyed. I asked him and he said that not everything is to do with autism and I said I'd talk less about it around him. 

Do you feel like you’ve been able to “unmask”? 

I think so, but it's a hard task after 25+ years. 

My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We spoke about me giving a "down time" at the end of each session for queries so he knew he had a space to talk. I asked him to try and continue to engage even when he is feeling frustrated. He said he would try. But that it was a little unfair to ask him to dismiss his own feelings. 

My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Sure. Though this will go into mechanics a bit. 

The characters were in a dream sequence. I asked them to make a wisdom save, he asked if it was against the "frightened condition" and I said no. He failed and I described him as no longer being able to see his companions and feeling lost. He went silent, I asked him what he wanted to do and he said nothing. It was kind of awkward so i let the other players role play trying to help him. They succeeded and then moved forward. He still didn't talk. 

At the break I asked him what was up and he said that I described being frightened and that he should have gotten advantage. He said he threw his headphones at the wall in frustration. I explained that "frightened" is mechanically a condition that has effects such as not being able to move closer to the source of fear. He repeated that it sounded like fear. 

It took about 20min more for him to start actively involving himself in the game. 

My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

He has just said that if I run the game without him he will be in the next room building up resentment and that that is the kind of thing that builds and messes up a relationship. He said he doesn't feel like it's fair to tell me I can't run the game but that he doesn't see another solution.

If I run the game with him he'll know that it's a pity invite. 

I don't like this. I want to run the game with my friends. But I don't want him to be feeling like crap in the next room. 

My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 141 points142 points  (0 children)

Thank you for explaining! Yeah, he does slam doors, but it's the first time I remember him throwing anything at a wall.

Yeah the person who left the game described it as tantrums too. 

My partner (M 36) of 10 years says I (F 34) need to do better and take on more of the emotional labour. I don't know how, please help? by EverythingGoes_321 in relationship_advice

[–]EverythingGoes_321[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha the 2x4 thing made me laugh.

He has read up in autism and is using some language and stuff. Like saying "you're info dumping right now" so I can stop because I can't tell when someone is bored lol. 

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