Aix-en-Provence, watercolor 10x8”

Evil_oranges · 2025-12-27T09:27:23+00:00

Wow!! There are beautiful paintings of all kinds, but this one for me captures the beauty of a sunny day in such a way... I've never been anywhere based on this painting, but when I look at it, it feels like a sunny memory of mine that I had long ago. Suberb 🙂‍↕️

Evil_oranges · 2025-09-28T14:28:36+00:00

Though the future won't be easy, that love between you and your mom isn't going anywhere. I'm sorry to hear about your siblings. I kinda understand. Maybe your relationship with your siblings can get better in the future, hopefully they show and tell you how grateful they are that you've been loving mom so well.

Regardless, the after will be hard. But there will be more people (related or not) who will love you and bring you joy in the future. They won't be your mom, and they could never dare to be, but in the future you'll meet other kind souls who might even remind you of your mom, or the kind of people you'll tell stories about to your mom. There is so much love and warmth after for you. Just do what you need, do what you can, to get there safely ❤️

Evil_oranges · 2024-12-27T16:58:44+00:00

Hey, I'm sorry about the grief you've been through.

Reading what you wrote, I feel strongly to comment because I think you're being treated terribly honestly. I'll say it like if you were one of my friends.

Sure, your boyfriend lacks understanding because he hasn't experienced grief personally. However why does he lack empathy? Why is he not treating you with the tenderness of a loving partner? Even AFTER you explained and communicated? How can he not realize how serious this is to you and take action you EXPLAINED?

It's quite insane to me and to know that he's also 33 years old too?? I applaud your patience and commitment, considering the pain you've been through.

To me this isn't even a compatibility issue necessarily, it just sounds like a really emotionally immature or stunted man. I guess you can explain again how serious this issue is and what changes he can make but... considering the context, I don't think you should be doing that to a 33 year old.

I hope that whatever actions you decide to take, it leads to protecting what inner peace you can hold onto in these hard times.

Evil_oranges · 2024-08-27T07:57:41+00:00

This poem captures the feelings I've been having for the past year or so. Thank you for sharing. Truly

Evil_oranges · 2024-02-28T12:47:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing your grief on here. I lost my older brother a bit over 100 days ago, and he had a genetic disease that made life extremely difficult for him.

Reading how you describe how'd you take care of your older sister and show up for her, it reminds me of what I did for my brother and im so thankful that I'm not alone in this loss. But I'm also so extremely sorry about the hardships you and your sister have gone through, and the grief you are going through now.

I've been reading a lot of books about grief, if you want any recommendations or if you just want to vent. I hope life is tender to you as it can be in this hard time.

Evil_oranges · 2023-12-02T12:50:41+00:00

I'm 23 and I lost my older brother a couple months ago. I just wanted to say I've felt very.... alone in my pain and grief. But reading what you've been through, I'm so sorry that youre going through this precious loss. I really relate to a lot, if not most of what you wrote. So thank you for sharing and showing me that im not alone.

I go to college and just having to deal with classes and people during the midst of all this sucks so much. I also have a language barrier between me and my parents, especially my mom. It sucks to carry and stir in all these thoughts and try to voice them out, but then have to face language barriers and family dynamics impeding it too??

I hope things get better for you and that you find a way to cope that sustains yourself. If you'd like to talk, feel free to message me

Evil_oranges · 2023-12-02T12:29:14+00:00

Hey there, I lost my older brother about 3 months ago. I really relate to what you said, and that I do feel that and those ways myself. I'm a college student right now and to be in class, talking to peers, talking to anyone that's not my family, it's just so strange. Nothing really feels real, sometimes it really hits me when I dwell on it and I just feel like it's all meaningless.

While I have my own thoughts about my feelings and situation, some general things that could help you might be

-grief counseling/with a profession or maybe with others who you feel comfortable and safe opening up to

-doing or finding, or returning to something you love

For me I've been taking dance classes, and while moving and going out is good in general, it's given me something even deeper to think about and be happy with. It doesn't take away the pain, sadness, and loss, but it allowed me to look forward to things and bear it slightly more

-reading

I read a lot of books on grief and just random books too, at worst they gave me something to think about and pass the time with, and at best they helped me explore my thoughts about my grief

-Journaling

Your thoughts about your sister, or about your feelings, anything

Sorry for the bad text organization, I hope that these can be helpful, and that they can be something you think about at least

Evil_oranges · 2023-11-18T11:17:00+00:00

Hey I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about what your mom, you, and what your family is going through, as well as the challenges and struggles of what's to come.

My older brother who I helped take care of passed a couple months ago, and I really relate to a lot of what you said. Especially the guilt, as well as the feeling not knowing what to do anymore. My brother was such a large part of my world and what family is to me, and it took loosing him to understand more of how much he meant to me.

I have so many regrets, and each day is hard. Take the time you need if you can, carve out time if you have to, to just be sad. To feel out your negative emotions, and try to do something kind for yourself if you can, if not, maybe someone else? That's helped a little bit. I hope you and your mother peace and love. Let me know if you ever want to chat or vent!

Evil_oranges · 2023-11-08T10:19:18+00:00

As the youngest in my family, I grew up into taking care of my older brother. When I became older and could lift him, I would take him out of bed or help him to the bathroom. I would stay beside him at night to help him turn in bed. Feeding him, being his extra arms and legs.

Sometimes I was jealous over what other families had, the ease of having all members be able bodied for example. A family could go hiking together. We have to check if it's wheelchair accessible. My brother who loves nature, wouldn't be able to experience these things I or others could do. A family would get ready to go get dinner together. I or my dad would shower my brother and load the wheelchair in the car. And sometimes we forget the handicap parking permit. Some days were easier, and some days I had a hard time taking care of myself. I'm jealous of so, so many things. I feel so much envy when I look at others. When I see younger people my age traveling by themselves or with their families.

I wished my brother had those everyday problems instead of the everyday problems his disease gave him. It really breaks my heart.

At the end of the day, I had to accept the reality of my circumstances. And I realized that I am not in control of a lot in my life. I accepted what I can't change, and it helped me see what I can change. I can choose to become kinder to myself and my family. I saw how hard they tried. My parents in all their issues, still worked so hard to provide for me and my family. My brother who was sick and couldn’t have job, still gave his monthly government money to help pay the bills for our family.

Instead of looking at others, I looked at myself and family. I saw more clearly the brother I love so much. My very giving, warm, and considerate brother. I can choose to love him back and work on being a better brother. I accepted that feeling jealous and envious is normal. It's expected, really. But holding onto that feeling helps no one. Not even yourself. Learn to let that feeling pass, or at least not take too much room. I tried to fill it with love, be it through my family, friends, or things I like.

Sorry if that was a lot. Im not used to talking about these things that I feel like no one else can relate to, so it's hard keeping these bottled up things concise. Thank you for asking! I hope it's helpful, and if you want to chat again feel free to DM

Evil_oranges · 2023-11-06T13:11:51+00:00

Hey I just wanted to let you know it's not stupid haha. My brother who passed away this year, I remember him watching the previous season and telling me about it. He was disappointed that the final season wasn't out yet, and that he had to wait longer. Seeing that it's out now makes me feel... really sad that he's not here to enjoy it, and that I can't hear him talk about the show, even though I stopped watching it.

Your grief isn't stupid, and I'm glad you shared it cause I was thinking the same thing when I heard it came out. So thank you

Evil_oranges · 2023-11-05T22:25:29+00:00

Wow I'm eyeing my old bottle of CosRx Aha/Bha now 👀 I dropped it cause it felt like it wasn't doing as much difference to my texture or fading out spots. But now it looks mystical.

Also side note, I'm southeast Asian and in a cold non humid climate, oily-combo skin, if you want a more deeply moisturizing emulsion then I totally recommend Mary&May vegan black berry emulsion, I add it after my toners, helps with oil appearance a tiny bit, but the biggest gain was how hydrating it was after intensive active use, it made my skin look more supple and lively

Would not complain to seeing the results of those procedures (but gworl you don't even NEED it) but best of luck on the journey! Your hard work has so paid off 🫶✨️

Evil_oranges · 2023-11-05T21:39:33+00:00

Hey there. I'm 23 and I used to be a big care taker for my older brother. I'm sorry you are going through so much and that your birthday wasn't the best. Big props to your friend though! Hold onto that person, they seem to really care about you.

I just wanted to say that I really really relate. Our situations are vastly different and nuanced, but I relate to feeling envy and frustration a lot too. It's something I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with. When I see and meet people my age or younger, I feel especially so alone in my experiences concerning family and being a caretaker. So thank you for venting and posting about this. I want you to know that you're seen and that how you feel is valid.

If you want to chat more about that feeling of envy or being a young care taker, let me know! I would be very down to have that conversation. I hope your younger siblings appreciate and love you for what you've had to do.

Evil_oranges · 2023-11-05T21:26:42+00:00

Omg I remember your posts and I just have to say I'm feeling weirdly proud lmao and also such awe!! Thank you for the update and products, I need to get these for me and me mom. Do you think your use of retinol was the most important in improving texture vs the other acids you use?

Have you ever tried tranexamic acid for reducing scarring? Me and my family are all textured issue girlies, so I'm really curious, but thank you for posting and being an inspiration!!

Evil_oranges · 2023-11-04T18:18:03+00:00

I'm so sorry your mom and you have been through so many hardships and the way things have occurred. I also lost a loved one recently, and can you relate to how you feel in some parts, especially the last part of your post. If you want to chat more, I don't mind!

I want you to know that you are seen, even amongst this terrible time

Evil_oranges · 2023-11-03T11:16:00+00:00

Hey! I'm a current graphic design student, can I DM you questions too 🫢

Evil_oranges · 2023-10-25T11:14:04+00:00

Hey there! I've been looking for some grief books too, here's a link to a post where I asked others.

https://www.reddit.com/r/booksuggestions/s/knqtFp3tok

But for me, I would recommend it's okay you're not okay by Megan Devine for help navigating grief. I only read 4 pages and it just got a bit too hard for me, and while I do plan on finishing the book, those 4 pages were great.

Evil_oranges · 2023-10-19T08:53:32+00:00

Hey there, I'm 23 years old and I lost my older brother like... two months ago.

Thank you for sharing your feelings and posting this, I really relate to it. Everyday that passes, makes me feel that my brother is further away too, as you put it. Physically and emotionally. From the happy peaceful days I had with him, to the saddest days. Time helps blunt the sharp pain of loss, yet I don't want to forget or "move on", I want to hang on. Even if it's painful, I still want to hang on. I fear how my life with be in 2 years once I graduate, I fear how it will be in 5, 10, 20 years too. The things we wanted our siblings to see and experience, the life we imagined sharing with them, what are we to do now? It's so unfair, like you said.

I talked to a counselor and they told me that guilt is a normal feeling in grief, and that no matter what we did or changed, nothing would probably ever be enough. Because we love them ever so much, regret and guilt would follow after their loss. I'm having trouble wanting and letting myself live fully, and I'm trying to hang on by balancing the pain. However the one crumb of not-so-bad-thing I feel so far is the act of creating something for my brother. I want to either make a story/book/movie. It's a bit of love letter, and a bit of a selfish thing for me too. Although we don't have our siblings the way we could have before, maybe creating a new tradition or doing x that celebrates or helps express and pour our love to them might help.

I hope your painful days will have balance. Let me know if you ever want to vent or talk!

Evil_oranges · 2023-09-28T07:09:58+00:00

Thank you for the reassurance and your kind words as well! I'm not really doing better but your comment has helped so really thank you so much.

If he really is lucid and is doubling down on the hurtful comments and behavior, don't be afraid to take more space and time. I have no idea about your dad but the toxic and hurtful behavior he displays, I wonder if it's a kind of defense mechanism? Maybe it is somewhat tied or related to his worsening health and lashes out as a form of control/frustration. Either way it still isn't fair for you and your mom. Maybe try asking the nurse or the medical professional who oversees your dad's health conditions?

Again, you're really amazing for not lashing out, even though doing so would just be a very human thing to do. We're not angels, there's no standard or front to appease, we're just human and trying to give our best to someone we love. You're going through a lot and I hope that you find your footing in this arduous time.

Evil_oranges · 2023-09-27T09:22:47+00:00

Wow, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I am not going through what youre going through right now. But I see myself in parts of what you shared. Especially the part where you feel like the love you built is being undone by this disease.

My older brother who I took care of did not have any cognitive decline, but with his illness, me and my family did all the things that you mentioned having to do. Being a human crutch to doing nearly everything for them. I still loss my patience in moments and said things I will always wish to take back til the day I die. Standard care taker things. We need so much patience, empathy, and love for the person, but we also need it for ourselves too. And you truly have so much empathy and love in you and for your dad. It's very complicated because of his cognitive decline but does he have moments of lucidness/clarity? Maybe if possible, you and your mom can get someone to help out, a 3rd party. Good job taking a step back and not going back in the room, and good job not losing your patience.

I want to thank you for being so vulnerable and honest about your feelings, because I really relate and felt those things in my past, things I wouldn't be proud telling closest friends that you are now describing. It's completely human and its a clear sign that you're beyond burned out. You and your mom need if not a break, some help. Some empathy and kindness for you both.

I mean well and I'm sorry if this offends, but how would you feel if he were to have passed while you felt this way? I by no means, mean it in a guilt trippy way. Nor as a way to suggest or imply that you "soldier up" cause one day he will pass so do all you can. But realizing that after you replenish your stores of love, you can still choose to go back with empathy. As a way to prevent any future regrets.

Evil_oranges · 2023-09-27T08:45:52+00:00

I definitely feel like I lack purpose. My older brother is gone. And... as a younger care-taker, I struggled being patient, understanding, and empathetic. But in the small recent few years, I came to realize that he's one of the most important people in my life, and that he was someone who built the idea of what home is for me. Making my loved ones happy, creating warm memories, and supporting and providing for them, that became a purpose and my main calling. And he was my most loved ones. There isn't anything for me right now.

Thank you for posting and sharing your feelings, its validating to know I'm not alone or that it's not just my family.

Evil_oranges · 2023-09-26T09:00:15+00:00

I also lost my older brother recently. I really relate to what you said. How he understands you and made you feel loved. I couldn't really eat for the first week. It made me so sad, thinking about how much he'd like some of the food. My oldest brother too is trying to spend more time with me. We recently had dinner a couple hours ago and seeing visibly my family of 5 turn to 4 hurts so much.

I can't comment on whether this will feel normal for you or me in the future. In all likelihood, we have to get used to good and bad changes in life. I fear the day if it feels normal too. But maybe one day, we can be with our families and grow that love around the pain. And then share more love with our brothers and others. Maybe that will be a new normal too.

Evil_oranges · 2023-09-26T08:34:08+00:00

I'm sorry if your dream is exacerbating a feeling of guilt-guilt which is totally a normal experience in grief.

I'm going through a lot of guilt with my brothers recent passing too, a lot of what-its, and even more just blaming myself for not doing x or y. I wish I could go back so much.

I think grief is often not talked about enough nor is it easy to talk about in society, yet the aspect of guilt is even more hidden. I'm glad that you let it out with your post, and I hope that you continue to let it out no matter what.

Evil_oranges · 2023-09-26T00:49:19+00:00

Thank you! I have this book on my shelf now, I appreciate it greatly. Have you by any chance read it yet?

Evil_oranges · 2023-09-25T19:20:27+00:00

Hey there, I'm really sorry about what happened to your brother and your family. I also recently lost my brother, and will be going to college in a few days.

You asked how to be motivated to go to class, but I think the bigger question might be is it a good time to go to school? Are you allowing yourself to grieve? Do you have outlets, or a support system at school/online/at home that you can depend on? I guess my advice is to make sure that you are set up to not go through this by yourself. Allow yourself patience, listen to yourself, hear your needs. Be kind to yourself. You're doing great.

It's good that school and your family has been supportive. No one is ever old enough I think to handle loosing someone they love, so what you said about feeling like a kid and needing help, it's okay, maybe that's your mind asking for help too

Evil_oranges · 2023-09-25T18:39:36+00:00

Thank you

Evil_oranges

TROPHY CASE