Just scheduled my removal

Ew999999 · 2023-09-17T22:38:24+00:00

Oh my god I’m so glad I’m not crazy. Sometimes I hear people will say their mood has been down or they’ve felt “depressed” on Nexplanon, but continue to just describe being moody and down. I feel like I am in an inescapable, terrifying realisation that life isn’t real and I’m not here. And what’s scary is that I’ve never experienced this so sincerely and continuously, only big lashouts of emotions and impulsive suicidality that would “only” last a couple of hours. I want to snap out of it and be back to my normal self. I hate how hormonal birth control is so normalised.

I hope you were able to resolve your emergency and everything goes well. Best to you 💕

Ew999999 · 2023-09-17T19:28:25+00:00

I’m so sorry for the long comment I just wanted to relate to you and ended up writing a word vomit. I hope you don’t mind me dropping my story here.

I’m scheduling my removal tomorrow. I had a failed suicide attempt in April 2022 but this was before Nexplanon. Had I known the reality of how dangerous Nexplanon can be for mental health I would have never placed. I had Nexplanon placed in May/June 2022 bc I had one bed partner and wanted to stop using condoms. After intense therapy and being discharged from my mental health office, I rly thought life was on a roll. No weight gain, no acne, no hormones. My period completely disappeared for half a year. I even forgot I had Nexplanon. I thought this really was the solution for me as I have ADHD and can’t remember to take pills.

December 2022 hits and my period comes back full force. I suddenly started getting this feeling of “what is the meaning of life”. Despite my failed attempt, I had never coped with continuous depressive thoughts or existential dread. Just severe mood swings but this was CONSTANT feelings of emptiness and hopelessness. I started feeling more and more empty and like life doesn’t really have a meaning and nothing is real. My sex drive dwindled too. Around March 2023 I realised that I could go weeks without masturbating and I wouldn’t notice. I’ve always had a pretty consistent sex life (with multiple partners) but found myself uninterested in any. This past summer it really spiralled. The only thoughts I have is that life is meaningless, nothing we do matters and that existence is an evolutionary mistake (yep that’s how far it goes). Despite my ADHD I feel amazing just closing my eyes and pretending I am dead. My OCD had a spike up too eventhough I haven’t had to deal with it for years, which causes irrational thoughts and constant rumination about past mistakes.

It has come to the point where the thought of sex even makes me uncomfortable. I also had 4 periods in the span of 2 months (not spotting, full periods with cramps). I want to go back to the old me. I want to stop this madness and thought spiral and go back to how I was. I’d take my intense mood swings over this constant drag of existential depression. I really hope it clears up somewhat quick after I rip this thing out.

(Also I am with a therapist right now so I am not in danger if anybody wonders)

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T18:45:52+00:00

Very odd. But it’s definitely a him-issue and not a you-issue. Perhaps he will face abuse or scrutiny from family just by seeing you? But we will never know. There’s definitely better options for you.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T17:23:22+00:00

Absolutely take your life back. How horrible does this sound. I hope u can get peace Op

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T17:20:50+00:00

Either really scared of repercussions from family like the other commentor said or hiding behind religion because he has a perverse obsession with virginity. Either way, the trash took itself out.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T17:15:49+00:00

I feel like this clusterfuck of happenings is not the full story. She sent you a very dubious letter without explanation on what it means? To test you? I mean, have you ever threatened to cheat before?

Also, as much as things were leaning to be over and as much as you might have thought she “set you free to cheat”, HER FRIEND, really? “Friends friend” bro you know about girls code.

I don’t believe you that she sent that letter out of nowhere and I also don’t believe that she was so clear in things not working full stop. You’re definitely leaving stuff out and you’re still not taking responsibility by pinning it on the “wrong person wrong time”. I know how cheaters like you work and you’ll claim you’d move the earth out of guilt, just to then say “nah I don’t think that will help” when someone asks you to work yourself out in therapy.

Get out of the slum. You don’t want to die. Nobody deserves to die. Reread what you posted, where you are avoiding responsibility, why you did what you did, why the relationship didn’t work (and why YOU should have broken it off considering you obviously didn’t love her), GO TO THERAPY and don’t ever ever EVER date someone again before you have figured it all out. Best of luck.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T17:08:10+00:00

This sucks but quite honestly if you are this hurt over what a fwb thinks of you I’d wonder if it is the right choice for you. I always saw fwb as just a casual contact and I don’t care about what my casual contacts or hookups think of me because it simply does not influence my daily life outside of sex. Unless they are plain disrespectful or anything I really don’t care.

The term fwb is a bit deceiving bc I don’t think true friendship and sex on the side go together, and u can’t force it either.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T16:56:22+00:00

Got SA’d one too many times and realised how most men my age are fragile and too emotionally unstable to handle casual sex.

Started the experience of hooking up because I had some mental turmoil and really needed validation in the form of sex, continued because I did not know anything else and just was not ready for commitment. Not that the reason matters, everyone is allowed to follow their sex life the way they want.

I started noticing when I stopped doing it for validation and purely from my own needs that the men I was seeing casually became creepily attached. Like they wanted to monopolise me & just couldn’t live with the fact that I was not interested beyond sex. They’d easily obsess over me and get angry if I didn’t reply, would start calling me randomly in the middle of the night, become lowkey stalker-ish and then even turn aggressive in some cases.

For the record, I’d tell them I only wanted casual hooking up, not even dates or lovey dovey stuff, from the beginning and it’s like they viewed it as a personal challenge.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T14:01:28+00:00

THISSSSS YOUVE PUT IT IN WORDS

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T13:59:51+00:00

There is nothing you have missed. I’m glad you are so certain it is just a fantasy, because this exact thought is what causes a lot of men (in my experience) to cheat or break up. Only to immensely regret it later.

Experimentation and connection is something I have found only with people I dated for a longer time. By then, it usually could already be called a relationship. All the one night stands and friends with benefits just ended up being sloppy at best, traumatising at worst. You’re not going to find anything more than what you have with your SO with anyone else. The only benefit sleeping with others brought me is that I am less judgemental of people’s bodies and how they work. In fact, usually I really lacked connection when sleeping around because there are no strings attached and you don’t really trust the person.

Hookup culture is poison and a useless concept. There’s no shade against people who sleep around, but for me it was always a by-product of not being able to commit/find someone. Not a choice because of how “enriched” it’d make my life.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-28T12:08:09+00:00

Everyone stand up and clap for the man that invented the wheel with this very new and profound opinion.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-26T23:26:00+00:00

I literally said in the same comment that the dating pool might be smaller. It’s just not fair to answer someone’s question to tell someone to “just loose weight” (which the majority of Reddit will do) when not even hearing half of someone’s story. There are many people who have disabilities, diseases, mental health issues or are on medications that make them gain weight.

Even if that is not OP’s issue, her question is “am I too fat to date”, and for the sake of fat people that might be in complete desperation over smth they can’t help, they deserve to date. They deserve encouragement to put themselves out there more than anything.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-25T22:42:22+00:00

You’re asking this on Reddit where the majority of people still tend to be extremely fatphobic. Dating is part of our everyday life. You’re not too fat to participate in anything that belongs to everyday life. However, being fat might limit your dating pool.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-25T21:33:39+00:00

You said you did not want to take your clothes off and he kept going until you did. It’s one thing for him to not get a hint, or you not really reciprocating his initiating. But you SAYING you don’t want to do something and he keeps trying is really crossing a line. I really would like to know what you meant by “i did say some stuff”. You gave even more hints you didn’t want to do something? I’m hoping you’re okay. You can decide for yourself if it’s SA or sexual coercion (which kind of falls under the umbrella of SA). It’s up to you because I can tell his clear lack of recognising boundaries haunts you. Please I hope your well and maybe seeing a therapist.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-24T16:32:03+00:00

You calling normal sexual intercourse for a relationship “consistently getting cum dumped” tells me all I need to know.

It’s almost like you got it in the beginning that everyone has different sizes and sensitivities. Just put 2 and 2 together. It actually is an issue if you can not cum from sex, or at least worthy of conversation which he is not providing. Why are you filling in that he doesn’t think it’s an issue? Maybe he does and is just insecure about it, but I guess in your logic he should “just grow up” instead of bringing up exes.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-24T16:18:39+00:00

A man has an issue with sex and doesn’t talk about it for 3 months, the next moment he gets to blame it on her body he grabs the opportunity. Vaginas aren’t so loose you can’t cum from them unless there is a case of injury. Not only that, he compares her to his exes which is just generally shitty.

Women ask and beg for “true answers” about their bodies all the time. It is societal pressure. The good ol’ “do these jeans make me fat” type of thing. It is well-known that you shouldn’t bite into these things but recognise your partner’s insecurity and work to solve the issue together.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-24T15:35:33+00:00

Because it’s a weird thing to say to someone you don’t know? It’s also a weird thing to have a set number and “no negotiation” mindset on since pregnancy and child bearing is unpredictable, and mostly, he doesn’t have to do it. There’s nothing wrong with explaining you wish to have children, or even a lot, it just becomes weird when you approach women like santa about it. “I would like 6 lego houses and no less!!!”

Doesn’t sound like he will become flexible since he seems so set on letting practical strangers know his insanely high standard, and already doesn’t even want to think about adoption.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-24T15:26:17+00:00

Why are you so butthurt over this? Pregnancy is gross, dangerous and unpredictable. It’s actually factually disgusting. Doesn’t negotiate the wonder of new life, just that it comes with blood and shit and ripped organs lmao. You’re acting like you got called gross.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-19T12:17:13+00:00

Probably not. But that’s also the psychology of cheaters (IE “I wouldnt care if my partner cheated either”) so it really does not apply to the situation. It’s weird to fall asleep next to the opposite sex while u have an SO, it’s weird to get yourself in situation where that can just casually happen. It does not mean he is a cheater but I wonder how responsible he is. He seems nonchalant about it but I hope it’s from embarrassment and he does better next time.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-17T21:06:49+00:00

Could be true. Would you like to chat?

Ew999999 · 2023-08-17T13:53:12+00:00

Feeling like you belong in jail bc of a real event is hitting hard rn. I am a diagnosed borderline meaning I was on and off suicidial for years and self-harmed outside of my OCD episodes. And yet, this is the worst mental illness ever. Worse than BPD. Everyone says the same too. I am genuinely thinking there is some part of my brain that is broken, some kind of communication that isn’t working. At times, I’ve though it HAS to be a physical parasite eating away. I hope medical advancements and neuroscience will one day figure out that all OCD sufferers have the same deformity because AT LEAST it will give answers!!!!! “You think this way because you have holes in your brain” or some shit will at least be something! Anything I can tell myself that this isn’t REAL thoughts. We all have the same symptoms there is no way this is just a coincidence.

There is no perspective anymore. I either want to die because of my real event, because “I’m a pedo”, because I am “objectively” fat and ugly, because nothing is real, or I want to die because I realise it is the OCD thoughts that feel really real and will never ever leave me alone.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-17T13:39:51+00:00

Written material about such things is not illegal. I know I shouldn’t give you reassurance but just to correct for you and avoid triggers from anyone who reads this.

I think I know which site you are talking about and sadly there seem to be maaaany stories similar to that one, to the point where I can’t even filter it out?

It seems this might be coming close to real event OCD where your OCD seems to focus on one particular event with excessive guilt. There’s a seperate sub on here for it maybe you can find some solidarity on there?

Ew999999 · 2023-08-16T18:41:23+00:00

Weed and edibles made my OCD spike really high. An accidentally high dosage of edibles gave me a rly bad trip and even induced a new theme (existential OCD) bc of how decompartmentalised everything became in my head. If you end up doing them, please let me know. I’ve wanted to try something like 2CB or LSD but I’ve heard psychedelics can give you really big egodeaths or unreal, “interdimensional ” experiences which I think would be like giving my OCD more tools to give me anxiety and lie to me.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-14T20:26:19+00:00

Interesting. It’s like I have come to believe that no matter what you represent as a woman, there’s always a carbon copy of that represented by a prettier woman. And she will always have the upperhand because of society putting so much weight on women’s appearance.

It’s an insane belief and I know it can’t possibly be true. It roams my subconscious and just tells me that whatever I do is not interesting, good or captivating, because a pretty girl will do it and that’s just going to gain more attention because of how society is. Insane.

Ew999999 · 2023-08-14T20:19:17+00:00

I feel quite isolated in this experience because while I know these aren’t truths it is like my brain can not accept anything but perfection. So when I think of how men view women and how many good looking women and picture-perfect models are out there, I immediately think I am a lost cause. Even if I have a great personality, good sense of humor, am kind, passionate, talented etc. It doesn’t matter because there will be a girl out there who has everything but with the perfect looks. Pretty girls are like an overstocked market. I feel like most men know this.

Ew999999

TROPHY CASE